May 29, 2014

The S.A.M. Story: EPILOGUE


Being awaken from her deep, anesthetized sleep she heard a subdued, distant voice, "Good Morning Beautiful.  Open your eyes."  Feeling groggy and some pain, smiling, she put out her hand and opened her eyes wanting to touch and see him, hoping he would be there, knowing he had come, someone she had waited for and sooo needed to see.  But it was not him.  It was the doctor. 

Saddened and disconcerted, this caused her to recall her final S.A.M she had sent to the publisher-" He was always just a fantasy I dreamed of and made into whom I wanted him to be.  He never was "real"."

Pain reeled through her, not from the surgery but from her heart, and tears ran down her cheeks into her ears, as she tightly closed hers eyes trying to push out reality.  Grieving the loss she had created.  She drifted off into a deep sleep, knowing that in this space in her life, she was physically alone and wouldn't ever be receiving the sweet texts she had yearned for and had written about.  

It had been her fingers, that had typed the words, that the story had come through, and yet she still acted perplexed and disappointed with the unfavorable ending.  Where was that magic wand?  Where were her messages?  Where was he?!

Her friend quietly helped her get into the car, placing her hospital belongings in the back seat and assisting her with the seat belt.  No words were spoken then, because good friends "just know" as did hers.  Getting behind the wheel, her friend reached over and squeezed her hand, looking with empathetic eyes directly at her and succinctly said, "It will all be o.k."  

Turning on the car, the radio filled the silent, dead space between them with music.  As she both longingly and blankly stared out the window, she braced herself for her new life that would now be filled with loneliness and immeasurable sadness.  Although he had just been a fantasy delusion, in an eccentric way, he had sufficed for companionship.  She now knew that once again her existence would be one lived in solitude with no "cyber" anything to fill the "space" in her life.

The words of the song playing in the background, typed their way into her head, making her listen more intently as she heard what was was the song she had written in her manuscript.....and it was his voice over the air her.....

Priceless and beautiful beyond compare,
With the rest of my life I want you to share.

I will stay no matter what, always by your side,
As we will now become groom and bride.
I will stay no matter what, baby will you stay with me
Not just for today but for eternity?.............

                                    THE END 
Note:  Although inspired by real people and events, (and real clothing I own) in my life, this story is fundamentally, fictional.

The S.A.M. Story has been "spread out" over a months time, so maybe it would be a different read, now that you are able to go back to the beginning, reading straight through, without the "cyber breaks".  Some pieces may also now "fit together" and make more "sense".  Enjoy!

 I said in the beginning (here) that I was trying my hand for the first time at a short story and I asked for your input.  

I want to thank all who offered words of advise and encouragement (sounds like my own little academy awards speech doesn't it?) and to the  faithful readers throughout this process!

As it really was an unpredictable process, formulating a full blown story, evolving as each day arrived!

May 28, 2014

The S.A.M. Story Part XX


He wanted his pre-proposal to "bait" her, as was their unofficial but usual way of "playing"-an enchanted 'high' of sorts for them.  It was all part of what had made their relationship so addictive.  Like an enslaving, habit-forming drug, it always left them wanting and needing more, making "space" so hard to accept, and deal with.  Never quite being enough, yet momentarily exhilarating, thus heightening the dependency and the ecstatic joy.  It was the "fun" they so loved about their relationship and each other.

His plan was to propose, by serenading her, only this time it would be with HIS words in his song, expressing all the feelings he had kept hidden; safe from exposure, rejection, and pain.  From her.  It was his most revealing and vulnerable, sheltered S.A.M. yet....awaiting disclosure.  One that would leave him hoping for approval, and acceptance.

He set the plan in motion.  Knowing she would be astonished and bewildered not expecting it, he elatedly typed in 'And they lived Happily-Ever-After', pushing SEND to her at the same time she, crossing cyber paths, typed in, 'And they lived Happily-Ever-After' and SEND......

Only his was going to her, while hers were the closing words of her manuscript she had been working on for close to a year, sent to her publisher (wanting to get it to him before her hospital stay).  She not knowing he was drawing closer to her, him, not knowing she was done.

Tomorrow will be the epilogue and final entry.

May 27, 2014

The S.A.M. Story Part XIX


As the relationship had been full of unexpected fun and surprises he wanted his proposal to be nothing less than unique and exceptional and something she didn't see coming. He wanted to keep it edgy and lively. Something beyond belief, that would shock her and that she would never forget.  So he asked his best friend who was a musician to compose music for "her song".  He then enthusiastically detailed a plan of how he would 'present' it to her.

The day was approaching; a deadline of sorts for her.  So much was going on inside as she felt apprehensive, anxious, scared and a deep sadness knowing that there would be a loss of varying degrees to be grieved.  She decided because of unforeseen possibilities she would contact and inform him before her surgery about her medical condition.  Just in case. 

She knew and accepted, that after she "sent" this last text, that her life was about to change in many ways.  Her priorities, her outlook, her routine, her future.  Although she knew that much, she had no idea what those words would actually “look” like.  What they would play out in day-to-day living.  What her prospective life would be.  Who she would be tomorrow.  Or even just a few hours later.  But she was ready.  Well, as ready as you can be for something that had no guarantee. 

Not knowing what her post surgery prognosis would be was one thing, but letting him go, losing him, was going to be the hardest.  Because she did not know what his response would be and how she would be affected by it.  She did not know if she would ever see him again, because it would be up to him, whether he would ever want to see her again.  

Over time, he had become part of her daily life.  What she woke up to, thought about continually, and formulated her life around.  He had become a part of her.  Something she could no longer deny nor erase even if she wanted to, as he had become engraved on her heart.  She was forever changed by admitting him into her life and would never be able to alter that, even if desired.  His absence would leave an undeniable void.  (What she didn't know was that he, her cyber-heart mate, had already made his decision). 

She felt most comfortable texting her final words as technology had always been their primary way of communicating.  So she typed out a short letter: 'Hey u.....a new S.A.M....I have to have surgery very soon.....I will talk to u as soon as it's over.....I am sending u my "love story" so u know where my heart and time has been spent for most of the year......please read, knowing how "real" it is for me and how my life will forever be changed because of it.  And always remember the words 'she' longed to hear in the ending of her story were: "I now pronounce you man and wife".  

For although her fairy tale story had started modern, she still wanted it to end classic.

May 26, 2014

S.A.M. Update

ATTENTION: To all you S.A.M.readers,
(here's the link for you newcomers)
I did not just end the" story" with "THE SONG"

although, I did disappear for almost a week with no notice. Sorry, I can be
unconventional and even flaky like that sometimes :-0 Tomorrow (Tuesday) there
will be one of the closing, last PARTS to the story so make sure to check for the
updated link! And Wednesday it will end so keep posted
Thanks for being such Loyal fans!!

May 20, 2014

The S.A.M.Story Part XVIII


He resolved to hold on to her.  To provide her with what she needed from him, knowing that by altering the course of his thinking, his future was about to drastically change.  And although marriage was more of a commitment than he had prepared for so early on in their relationship, he could no longer envision life without her.  It therefore became something he desired.  Because it included her.  And he wanted her like crazy!  Once again, he decided to let love in.  

His educational degree made it a natural place to turn for expression, in the form of words.  Inspired, he went into his house and found a pen and paper translating the words that were 'coded' into his heart and out onto paper.  As music had been such an influential part of their bonding, he penned these words in the form of a song for her:  

I Will Stay No Matter What.....

We came from two different worlds, miles apart,
But we came to be one in each others heart.

I never knew beautiful would feel like this,                                 
Until you melted my heart with your passionate kiss.

Your body, your smile, your affectionate heart,
Your loving ways are a piece of art.

I will stay no matter what, always by your side,
As we will now become groom and bride.
I will stay no matter what, baby will you stay with me
Not just for today but for eternity?

You look in my eyes and it makes me melt,
You bring out emotions I have never felt.

Priceless and beautiful beyond compare,
With the rest of my life I want you to share.

I will stay no matter what, always by your side,
As we will now become groom and bride.
I will stay no matter what, baby will you stay with me
Not just for today but for eternity?

I would never dream, of walking out on you,
I love you so much, its the last thing I would do.

I give to you my greatest love shown,
Promising not to ever leave you alone.

There is nothing you can do to make me go,
What will it take for you to know?

That I will stay no matter what, always by your side,
As we will now become groom and bride.
I will stay no matter what, baby will you stay with me
Not just for today but for eternity?

'Cuz baby there's no way to live without you
Tell me what it is that I need to do.

To make you stay right by my side,                         
For forever and eternity as my bride.
I met you by chance yet you changed my life
You went from a stranger to being my wife.

Because I am staying no matter what, always by your side,
As we have now become groom and bride.
I am staying no matter what, baby will you stay with me
Not just for today but for eternity?

If I stay no matter what....................will you stay with me?   

May 19, 2014

The S.A.M. Story Part XVII


She tried to push her numerous thoughts out with the music as she drove home, but they kept coming.  Trying to tuck them away was about as effective as trying to tuck four small fidgeting children into the same bed at the same time.  Once one thought was settled another would roll over disrupting the others, so she finally just let them get up and come out, as there was not going to be any silence or break from them until she did.  

Driving was usually a cathartic practice for her, so she decided to go with it, giving her time to contemplate and sort out in the past 24 hours, what had been the life-shifting route she was now headed on.  

If it was possible, he had revealed not only more of himself to her while she was there, but more of herself to her....own self.  Doing what he somehow was magically able to do.  Maybe in his 'toolbox' he surreptitiously possessed "the magic wand".

From early on one of her S.A.M.'s had revealed to him that her heart and wings had been injured to the point of reluctant hesitation, not allowing her heart to get too close to anyone, to be vulnerable again. It was beyond his comprehension how someone could do this to her.  He never knew the details.  Just that he needed to be gentle.  And he was. 

Their situation had been perfect for her as the "space" between them had kept her sheltered in a sense, although through the lines of communication; feelings and emotions had gradually seeped in.  Each day he patiently waited for her, always encouraging her to believe in what he saw in her.  Each day, she was slowly starting to believe and accept.  Her.

Her last thought to put to 'rest' was the undisclosed S.A.M. regarding her health.  She didn't know how she would be able to get through each day without him in her life any longer, so she made the decision to tell him as soon as her surgery was over, and 'let him decide'.  A phrase he would often say to her when she thought she was "protecting" him by withholding information and knowledge.  A phrase that would test her faith in him, affirming if what he had been expressing with his words for the duration of their cyber-ship, would be true to his actions and life.  And to her.  

If paths really do cross for a reason, then perhaps part of his purpose was to teach her that she could have, and be fun again, something they had been able to do together, enlivening so many of her days.  She knew that people are often attracted to a quality in which they are deficient and long ago when life had marched in the Take-Fun-Out-of Life soldiers, she had lost what used to be a big part of who she was.  Her mechanic/soldier/hero had come in (again "fixing" it) and overtaken the adversary with The Funtastics army.  The victory had renewed her laughter and brought joy back into her life.  Something that by not having, had changed her and that she had considerably missed as a positive in her life.  Something he knew she needed back.

And on a more sober level he taught her that she should expect a man to lovingly respect her and not settle for less.  That she deserved that and so much more.  That beauty has many, many definitions not confined to temporal or worldly things.  That she should never have to give the "sales pitch" trying to convince someone why she was worth 'keeping'.  Because to him, she was priceless and irreplaceable!  And most importantly, he had tried to model for her through his actions, that love and commitment meant staying, "in sickness and in health"It meant staying through it all.

May 18, 2014

The S.A.M. Story Part XVI


As he sat there on his porch he already knew what his decision for the future was going to be.  What it had to be.  Although the music was so loud it could vibrate things off his living room shelf, it wasn't loud enough to drown out his soul.  The "words" spoken there, inside, were sent 'Morse code', causing his heart to pulsate, doing 'dots and dashes' to every beat for her, transmitting a message that even a novice could accurately interpret.

He thought about some of the "talks" they had had and how she had told him that she believed there were no 'chance' meetings.  She believed that God crossed peoples paths because they each had a lesson to learn from the others presence.  And although not everyone chose to learn the lessons presented, the opportunity was always there.  

She believed that although he was handsome, charismatic and charming, he was so much more.  She saw through to his heart, his sweet spirit, his intelligence, and his sensitivity.  She saw who he was born to be.  She saw through to him.  The gift that he was.  Something that had gone unnoticed with many of the women in his life.  A mistake that made her sad, as his heart had gotten hurt because of it, leaving him too with a broken wing, skeptical and reserved, closing off part of himself to letting love in.  

But over time and through "space" he like her, had started to believe that he was "Perfect and Gorgeous" just as he was.  That he didn't need to impress her as she loved the parts that others had missed.  That beyond the physical image of " societal manhood", that he had worked so hard to establish and keep, she found the greatest man in his ability to be vulnerable and real.  That discovery is what had lured her to hunger and thirst for him in a way that was rooted in the recesses of attraction, passion and desire, wanting to share and spend her whole life with himThat discovery is what made him know he couldn't let her go.

May 17, 2014

Dear Reader....

Dear Reader,

Have a safe, fun weekend!

We will be back on Monday.

See you then :),


May 16, 2014

The S.A.M.Story Part XV


The music automatically started playing as she drove away.  This time the familiar tunes would do the reverse, as she yearned to be there, with him, and unlike her original journey it would lengthen her drive back to her home knowing each mile was taking her away from him, doubling the distance.  The same songs that had made her excitingly anticipatory now made her nostalgic, weighing heavy on her heart; making more want for the love sung about in the melodic words.  

Leaving the country road and approaching the highway her phone beeped notifying of a message.  She laughed through her tear filled eyes and couldn't wait to see what he already had to say as she had barely left!  It was SO like him to know just the perfect thing she needed!  Pulling over she scrolled down.  She was surprised to see several messages but not from him as she had thought.  Not realizing the poor service at his house, incoming calls and messages that had been delayed and intercepted had just then started coming through.  Most of them were from friends and family but there was a number she didn't recognize.  It was from her doctor.

To listen to the message she pressed one, but being more focused on the timing, as she asked herself, "What doctor calls on a Saturday?", she missed some of the words being spoken and had to replay it.  All she clearly heard was MRI and tumor.  She shouldn't have been surprised as all the prior symptoms had made it more likely than not.  But she was.  Maybe because she had tried to change the outcome by remaining positive and hopeful.  In some ways she had used this trip to "Denial" as a place of escape-to forget; if only for 24 hrs.  It had served its purpose!

She was now angry because the world, the life she had waited for, had just changed course. The puzzle pieces she had been collecting most of her life had almost been enough to accomplish her "dream"-having just gathered some of the most important remaining pieces from him.  The doctor's discouraging words were as if someone had just pushed her almost-completed-1000-piece-puzzle off the table and onto the floor.  

All the emotions that had been stored inside her heart came pouring out her chest in the way of sobs.  She was crying, not only for the current words she had just heard, but for the unspoken ones she had kept inside and never shared, and for the imagined and desired ones of comfort, not yet uttered.  She was crying because she felt so alone.
There had never been much dialogue around the topic of physical well being between them so they had implicitly chose not to open up that subject.  Some things remained classified even defying S.A.M.s .  Their health was something they had not actually "discussed", yet was honored between them as an almost sacred subject, kept in their personal vaults.  Medical needs had only been brought up regarding their aging parents' health problems back when they first "met"-bonding them in an understanding way that only comes from empathetic sharing.  

As close as she felt to him and as hopeful as she had "dreamed" of being with him, her doctor visits were a S.A.M. she had chosen at the time not to share.  She like him, "pretended" that if you don't acknowledge something, then maybe it doesn't exist.  But she knew, and it had affected her expectations.  Answering her own, "What are you doing?!" question she knew she had been adamant about requiring commitment because she needed someone who was willing to 'stand the test of time' as they say.  She knew what he didn't.

She had never wanted him to feel as if he "had" to stay with her and eventually marry her because she was ill, as he was so caring.  From the beginning he had a compassionate heart and she wanted to make sure he was in this because he was committed to her, through love, and not staying only because he wouldn't desert her; out of sympathy.  

It was one of the reasons why she had chosen to stay intimately, carnally detached- as she would otherwise evolve into an emotionally distorted woman; becoming clouded in appetite, prematurely advancing the relationship and forgoing the clarity needed for such a crucial decision.

It was also why falling for her "beauty" had to be much deeper than only outside appearance.  Subconsciously her doctor appointments had solidified her need for commitment-for a ring- wanting someone  'in sickness and in health' and for eternity; as "till death do you part" had then become such a conceivable possibility.  Only she had not wanted nor expected it to come like this.  And not now.  Would he understand now why what she 'wasn't wearing' mattered so much to her?

Already pining for him and feeling all alone she drove the lonely road, not knowing he was  feeling it too.  He had watched her drive away, and still sitting on his porch almost an hour later, he was reflecting on the most outstanding 24 hrs he had ever had, subsequently missing her immensely.  

He, like her, wanted to physically escape the distressing moment they were emotionally experiencing , although it wasn't able to happen.  Wanting to drown out the tough parts of life and the echoing words disclosing unwanted truths, they each turned up the music volume to unhealthy-to-eardrum decibels as their only other option.  He on his porch and she in her car, separate yet together, simultaneously chose music as their anesthetic.

May 15, 2014

Look For S.A.M.

S.A.M. will be back tomorrow morning....

Come back and find him!

May 14, 2014

Hold On, S.A.M......

Hold On.....

I didn't get a chance to post a PART today because I never expected a text to turn into a "story" that would go on this long,  so now I have to catch up to S.A.M.!

The response has been very positive and so what was intended to be something more like a 5- part story has passed a dozen "parts" (with even more parts needed to close it off) !

This delay will also give you a chance to start , catch up,  re-read, and/or even share the S.A.M. story with someone else, and give S.A.M. a chance to sit down and write :).

See you in a day or two!

S.A.M.'s secretary ;)

May 13, 2014

The S.A.M. Story Part XIV


Although she didn't have much in the way of belongings, packing was unpleasant as trying to condense everything in the way of recollections, pleasures and feelings of the last 24 hours into her compacted, heart-shaped "suitcase" was challenging.  She refused to leave anything behind, filling empty gaps with emotional souvenirs and mementos she would later cherish as her 'land-line' back to him.

She came out of her room to find him waiting for her with a packed lunch, once again gaining "points" and making it even harder to walk away.  Looking deep into each others eyes as they had when singing to each other, they could see through to the deep-seated passion and pain, wordlessly bonding their hearts.  Making their desire for each other unbearable and on the verge of uncontrollable.

They silently held each other close, not wanting "space" to once again come between them but knowing at least at that moment, at this time in their lives, they would have to let go.  She had told herself not to cry, but her eyes didn't get the memo. Tears, like a river, carried heartbreak and unspoken words downstream, down her face.  Oh, how she wished for that fairy tale magic wand that solves all of life's problems with just a wave.  She wanted to stay.  She wanted it to be her new life; the one she actually woke up to and went to bed to everyday and night. The one that she had yearned for most of her life. She wanted him.

He too wanted her.  When something wasn't working, his M.O. was to not stop until he "fixed it".  This however, was something even as a mechanic he could not find the answer to through a book or computer or even through a seasoned expert.  This was something that would take meticulous consideration.  This was their hearts, something that had never been broken into so many interchangeable pieces making it hard to separate the two.  This was love, something never covered in his training. 

He took her hand leading her to the door.  The same door that she had felt unease approaching just 24 hours ago, was now a place she dreaded leaving.  Going down the steps, her words of self-encouragement were now for her hopeful return someday and to console the tears on the brink of cresting. It was hard to say goodbye wanting to keep the other as their own personal, human, hand-held devise.  He firmly but lovingly embraced her for the last time, placing his lips over hers, and like with their first "cyber kiss", every vital sign in her body testified he was real!

She drove away looking in her rear-view mirror wondering why or how she had ever felt unease and apprehension, as this had turned out to be the best "space" she had evverr been in!  

May 12, 2014

The S.A.M. Story XIII


Opening her eyes, it took her a minute to remember where she was, orienting herself.  Morning had arrived but it was difficult not to fall back asleep as she had only slept a few hours, having sat on the couch thinking about him after leaving his room.  She had stayed there until the dawn had slowly come in, finally making her way to bed.  

Cognitively knowing it wouldn't change things didn't stop her from emotionally hoping she could alter time, and the results of the incoming day.  But the new day had arrived delivering like a newspaper, reality on its doorstep.

Lying there mulling over her need for assurance and commitment, she wanted to be someone else with less expectations; at least just this one time. Wanting to undo the night and have a chance at a "redo" like children often play.  Wanting to go back to sleep and wake up to a different life; one that someone else had planned out.  One, more like the fairy tales that give little and big girls that false sense and promise of happily-ever-after.  One that can be fixed with just a kiss.  But it was not to be, as it was her, in her life, not someone else causing the sadness to encompass her; causing her to feel alone.

He had woken up and started breakfast.  He wanted to make sure the fraction of time left together was a memorable departing affair.  The house smelled like fresh coffee.......and bacon.  The duct tape for food.  If only bacon could work to mend broken hearts too.  Music was once again his companion which he so needed right then, to soothe his ambiguity and disappointment, examining himself.

She showered and skillfully applied her make-up to cover her sleep deprived and saddened eyes.  Slipping on her blue cotton/spandex sundress she looked back behind her in the mirror pulling her hair to one side, to do the 'final check' (because that is what women do) and she saw the wings. She had forgotten about them and she faintly smiled as she remembered the day and the night before with conflicting feelings.  Both joyous and somber.  

The wings reminded her of angels in her shortened slumber- not knowing if they had actually come to her in her deep sleep or if it was only a played out thought she invented out of need.  Neither really mattered at this point, as she stepped into the kitchen, knowing their physical time together would soon be coming to a close.

In his serene way, his eyes warmly welcomed her.  He added 'beautiful' to everything but it was so different hearing it come from his lips and seeing it on his facial expression. "Good Morning Beautiful!".   "Nice tattoo!" he said with a wink and that infectious smile.  Receiving the greeting  in person- that she had heard solely via technological separation- now with a face, and a body, and a personal hug was the best greeting she had had in what seemed like forever!  He gently embraced her with a kiss, then took her hand in his and with his other one on her lower back started moving her rhythmically to the love song playing in the back ground.  Never again would a text be able to compare!

Her gloom was replaced with consoling peace; something he was gifted in offering. Something her memory recalled at their first convergence.  He had a way of healing a heart and could have been the awarded recipient and owner of real wings as he was an angel to her.  In the sense of fixing things, making them better, he was a mechanic, compassionately and painstakingly repairing and restoring the brokenness of a heart back to its functioning form.

It had been years since she had woken up to someone--someone happy to see her, someone with a sweet greeting, someone who thought she was beautiful.  Someone who saw her for all that she was.  

She had once heard someone with a handicap say that they wanted more than anything for others to see past their outer appearance and love them for what was inside.  Although unlike this person, that, not being her personal trial, she unexplainablely felt the same way about herself.  But he had told her early on that one of the most attractive things about her was her naive innocence and her humor, and her genuine caring, loving heart. 

It caused her to feel as if what he saw and loved on the inside had seeped through her skin transferring the beauty with it to the outside; so strongly that there was no way for her to conceal it.  That this was the beauty he saw in her and spoke of.  That this was the beauty that others saw radiating from her.  

Earnestly she asked herself,"What are you doing?!"   Trying to intensely recall, why she had been so adamant about the expectation of commitment.

May 9, 2014

The S.A.M. Story Part XII


She knew that if she ever wanted to fall asleep it would have to be "with the angels" because they were the only ones who could hold and heal her aching heart.  It was her S.A.M. that had been shared from the beginning yet it had it's obstacles.  Marriage.  Big enough to alarm, to frighten someone to the point of abandonment.  Him...being that someone.

She wanted a guarantee, a promise.  She yearned for, but additionally needed someone who was willing to commit, for the long hall, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for eternity, and not just 'till death do you part'.  And because of the obligation tied to her request, she knew it was a possibility she could lose him altogether and once again, be alone and lost in "space". 

As he tried to contemplate about what had just happened, his thoughts alternated between his current lifestyle and the possibility of an immensely different future with her in it.  It was too much for him to comprehend and internally embrace at the time as he was spent in every form of the word, having worked at his job almost a month with no time off.  Without awareness, a deep sleep washed over him.

The night was quickly passing as she laid awake watching the morning light start to push the moon away. Unlike the first meeting, she now consciously knew she might not ever see him again but desired for nothing more.  She ached for reprieve to the pain in her chest, her soul, causing her to once again make her way to his room.

As he lay there sleeping, she quietly walked closer as to not wake him...standing there for a long while taking all of him in.  His face, every part of his body, his passion and love; she absorbed it all.  She was creating a permanent memory of an experience that she would duplicate in her mind until it was either revisited by him or her memory failed her; as he had taken her places, no visa had a stamp for.

May 8, 2014

The S.A.M. Story Part XI


The words on his screen read, "wanna guess what I'm not wearing?..."  He chuckled, shaking his head and then immediately wanted to bound down the hall to her/his room, but instead sent back...."A hat".  If only he knew how reckless and playfully romantic this made her.  She laughed so loud he heard her down the hall as she responded through the technological means they had used for their main communication the last six months, texting, "THAT is also right....".  He couldn't help but smile.  He loved playing with her as much as she with him!

He typed in "socks", but again was only partially right.  As he was typing in, " are not wearing..." as his next "guess", he heard a tap on the partially opened door...or did he?  It came again, this time combined with his name....."Hey....does this person accept midnight visitors?" she whispered.  True to his poised, charismatic self, he nonchalantly replied, "Of course this person does."

She pushed the door open and he could see her silhouette from the illuminating moon coming through the window behind her.  She felt her way around his bed hearing his breathing getting stronger as she got closer.  He patted the bed with his hand and she sat down beside him.  Not exactly sure what to expect and not wanting to lose the moment, he waited for her to make the next move-to set the tone.

She spoke no words but laid her body down on the blankets beside him, which tightened them around him making him feel like he was in a sleeping bag.  With her back pressed up against him, he automatically pulled his arms out and put them around her.  Although they were physically close and touching, their thoughts were in two separate worlds although neither realized how congruous they were.

The question came again but this time it was from her lips, with passion and emotion, "Wanna guess what I'm not wearing?"  There was something different in the way she asked it.  The whit and humor she so loved about him suddenly disappeared as he lay there quietly still-surprising even himself- not sure  where this was going.  His mind internally juggled the plethora of thoughts and emotions of five people in one.  He knew what he wanted it to be.  "Want some help?" she finally asked.  "Please," was all he could respond.

She wiggled her arm free and held up her hand and said, "A ring.  I am not wearing a ring."  It was not even something he would have guessed had he had one hundred chances.  Nor the direction he was hoping for it to take.  Yet it should not have been an epiphany.  It was a "cyber" conversation they had had numerous times as she had shared early on as one of her S.A.M.'s.  She wanted and needed marriage again.  He just hadn't expected it to come now.  He had been so enthralled with the adventure of how the whole day played out that it had escaped him.  Maybe subconsciously he hoped if he "forgot" about it, if he denied what he knew, that the end result wouldn't be so.  Did he really think that boyhood diversion could still work?   

She then reached back and patted him, much in the same way he had done to her on the bike.  At that moment turning over towards him she put her arms around his neck and gave him a warm, long, tender kiss.  Then she quietly got up-releasing the confining blankets- and walked back towards her room- pausing at the door with the moonlight reflecting behind her.  Pressing her fingertips of her empty hand to her mouth, using the universal hand gesture, she then gently blew the sentiment his way.

"Sleep with the angels", echoed through the room.

May 7, 2014

The S.A.M. Story Part X


Except for the aquarium light, the music and lights were turned off darkening the house and leaving it silent.  Not his customary routine as an earlier S.A.M. had revealed that he always went to sleep with music on.   But knowing she had to wake early for a long drive home, he offered up his comforts for hers.  Something that didn't go unnoticed by her from their first encounter.  Something that had been manifested by some of his actions of how keenly sensitive he was to the needs of others.  Another trait she was immediately drawn to.

Alone in her room, she was exhausted not only from the days events, but from all the emotional preparation and expectations that had been incubating inside her since they had set a date in place to finally meet.  She plopped down sideways on the bed remembering she needed to charge her phone but being too weary to go to her bag and retrieve the devise.  She glanced at her phone to double check the battery usage and smiled.

He lay his head on his pillow, with thoughts of her and the day rewinding themselves through his mind-feeling elated and rapturous, along with being drained-both emotionally and physically. Stopping at certain "moments" to pause and zoom in on them, he wished he could literally replay, re-feel, re-enact them- at least just once more, delaying and stalling them for as long as he chose.

She contemplated what he thought of her and the fusion of their two cosmos. Did he still think her to be beautiful at nights end?  Had he savored the 24 hours as much as she had?  Did he think she was as much fun as she thought him to be?

Feeling even more confused by the days happenings as a whole and the emotions they had shared-and already regretting the goodbyes that would come riding in with the sun-he was annoyed when his phone blooped alerting him of an incoming message, breaking his euphoric trance.  That is....until he saw that it was from HER.....the girl down the hall!

May 6, 2014

The S.A.M. Story Part IX


Laughing wholeheartedly and recklessly staggering while embracing each other like inebriated college students, they made their way back to the couch .  And in a way they were; they were drunk on emotions.  Emotions they had physically been deprived of for so long; ones that had been incarcerated, locked in the individual letters on keyboards and cell phones just waiting for their release.  Wanting to drink up the night-all night- indifferent  about a hangover, they reveled in the toxicity of it all, allowing the freedom deserving of their desires to take over.

Although they wanted to deny the realities of time, they were both conscious of the all-too- limited moments left.  With just a dim light coming from the kitchen and an assortment of selected music playing quietly in the background, the night had finally started to develop as they sat adjacent to each other.  A place and 'feeling' they had waited to get to.  A place of peaceful surrender.  A place now safe enough to "physically" touch and be touched.

It was the beginning of truly learning more, especially in the way of mannerisms and being able to closely study each other, things that can not be accomplished via distance.  And talking.  Actually talking, with the only hardware left between them being the locks on their hearts. Without restraint they consciously exchanged heart keys and let go.  Although it was the end of the day, their night was just commencing. They welcomely embraced it and each other.

Their time together " in person" was way beyond any galaxy they had designed through their "cyber-ship".  His kisses flat lined her heart and brain leaving her in another orbit, obliterating any previous memory.  Transmigrating, she was blind to where she now was.  He had taken her beyond infinity. And now she sensed what he had earlier tried describing of what bike riding was like for him, as she too had never felt so free: not wanting this ride to ever end.

As it may be difficult for an astronaut to define and describe all the adventure and pleasure of what it is like to see the moon up close and personal, neither could words of description define what was happening as they experienced each other up close and personal.  "Space" had been an excellent educator for the enterprise they were undertaking.  Only for them, a one-way experience was their ticket to a place of no return.  At least never again as they had known it.

May 4, 2014

The S.A.M. Story Part VIII

Because this "Part" is based on a song, there is a link to listen to the song along with the story to make it more relate-able, not to mention just plain ol' fun to hear!


Anxious to thank him for the amazing artwork and wanting to confess that perhaps a tattoo wasn't "that bad" after all-maybe even a little exciting-she headed back to the living room.  She couldn't help but smile as she heard music again, this time the brass instrumental  introduction to an old school Fankie Valli song.  It was a tune even her children would recognize and could sing to as it was one of those "universal classics".

She knew he was "fun", one of the qualities she'd noticed and loved the first few minutes upon their initial meeting so long ago, but she wasn't expecting what happened when she turned the corner.  The words of the song had started but it was his voice serenading her.  She now vaguely recalled the mention of a karaoke machine.

"You're just too good to be truuuoo, can't take my eyess off of yooouu, you'd be likke heaven to touchh, I wanna hold you sooo muchh..." dumbstruck her right hand went up to her mouth, her fingertips pressing against her bottom lip. " long lastt lovve has arrivvved, and I thankk God I'm alivvve, you're justt too good to be truuoo, can't take my eyesss off of yoouu..." 

In spite of the fact that her eyes were smiling from inside, she simultaneously was awed and caught off guard by what she walked into.  And much like the unsuspecting, but grateful home make-over-reveal recipients, tears started to form from the profusion of emotions arising.  

Granted she knew it was just a song that was moving her, yet it was a reminder of how he had previously told her numerous times, like the lyrics, how he still remembered her beauty at first sight and how taken aback he was.  She never knew how that was possible as it was such a brief original meeting but she always hoped it was true and that he meant it.  Nevertheless, she loved the 'Good morning, Beautiful' messages she would regularly receive and anticipated them; looking forward to opening her texts. They would invariably make her day!

It had been a few seasons since she had been told she was beautiful, and whereas she didn't often feel it, especially as she aged, she couldn't help but want to believe someone found her desirable.  And that wanting was enough to momentarily convince her.  Something he had successfully done. Not knowing if she'd ever feel 'Perfect and Gorgeous!'  as her older co-working gentleman would respond when asked how he was, she was however feeling more confident.

Her left hand made its way to her face next to the other, folding her fingers and exposing her knuckles pressed against each side of her mouth her eyes looking up, lifting her shoulders to her neck , reflecting elation. He continued singing,"pardin' the wayy that III starrair, therezz nothin elsse to comparrair, the sight of youu leaves me weakk, there are no wordzzz left to speakk...." breaking the daze, she suddenly reverted to a five year old who had just seen the new puppy she'd been begging for, come into the room; she half jiggled, half hopped up and down squealing, "Mmmmmm" at the wonder of it all, now placing her hands down on her partially bent knees, her bottom sticking out, moving back and forth...."but if ya feeell like I feeell, please let me know that it's're just too good to be truuoo, can't take my eyesss off of yoouu...."  

At that moment, as if someone had just whispered something in her ear on cue she instantly became an impulsive, reckless teenager, uninhibited and unconcerned about looking "foolish".   She had an idea!  Although the song was only half way through she instantly turned and scampered back towards her room looking back and shouting laughingly behind her, "Wait, wait, waaiittt, stooppp....staarrttt it over again!..."

Once more, not knowing what to expect, -which was a hallmark quality of their relationship-making that part of the enticement; he did as she requested, restarting it and letting the music continue with no words.  Unaware of what she was doing, but determining by her reaction it was most likely something pleasant, the unpredictability made him even more anticipatory of what would happen next.

Then as the first verse repeated itself and it came upon the musical interlude in the middle of the song, she came sauntering into the room to the beat of the du da du da du da duta ta du da du da du da duta ta du da du da du da duta ta du da du da duuuuuuuuuu........  Not expecting what he was seeing, his mouth dropped and his eyebrows raised.  He skipped the next stanza as there was no room left for words in his head as a result of the all the images forming of her, replacing  them. He was due to sing , "I lovve you baabe and if it's quite alright, II need you baabe, to warm the lonely night....but couldn't, so she mouthed the words instead, entrancingly motioning him with her forward finger/hand gesture and engaging smile, to "come oonn, sing with me!".

Quickly regaining his stoic composure, he resumed singing; with her this time, "II lovve ya baabee, trust in mee when III sayyyyy.....oohhhh prettyyy baabee don't bring me down I prayy, ohh prettyy baabee now that I found you stayy, and let me lovve yoouu baabee, let me lovve yoouuu"....It was extremely challenging for him as this was happening while she was dancing along with her long hair swinging back and forth in a taupe and dark blue, pin-striped button down,  fitted, Italian dress shirt that she had swiped from his closet.  Looking like a completely different piece of clothing than when he put it on, it was as if he was seeing it for the first time. It was something that he never would have foreseen coming and that knocked him out of his calm, cool, collected element and off kilter in an enticing, unexpected, unanticipated way! 

It was now her turn to play Vanna White displaying her fresh tattoos gesturing with her hand slowly down her long leg towards her ankle and the heart.  Not wanting to miss out on sharing the most important one she was so proud of , she then unbuttoned two more buttons and with her back towards him slightly slid the shirt back down much like a shawl to show off her newly acquired "wings", moving amorously to the music while on exhibit. 

He had always found tattoos on a woman attractive.  And although it was his work and 'fake' at that, he still found himself utterly and romantically attracted to her and her tattoos, maybe more-so because it was his work.  Irresistible would best describe where she was on his radar and albeit he was weak and susceptible and exposed; portraying control was no longer an important facade for him to uphold.

When the verse started again, she glanced around and found the television remote as her microphone and started singing to him. "You'rrre justt too good to be truuuoo, can't take my eyess off of yooouu, you'd be likke heaven to touchh, I wanna hold you sooo muchh...", she sang as she approached him looking into his eyes and running her finger over his hat rim, tracing his face, and going down his neck, following down his shirt front. Brushing flirtatiously close as she walked around and behind him she sang, " long lastt lovve has arrivvved, and I thankk God I'm alivvve, you're justt too good to be truuoo, can't take my eyesss off of yoouu..." 

This time at the instrumental refrain du da du da du da duta ta du da du da duuuuuuuuuu!!... she discarded her microphone and deliberately took a step for each beat, stopping to sway in front of him just as he had done to her in the kitchen. Obliterating her timidity and insecurities she moved and swirled her whole body down like soft ice cream slowly going into a cone.  

Coming up, she grabbed her "microphone" just in time for the words, and stalking towards him almost shouting, sang, "I lovve you baabe and if it's quite alright, II need you baabe, to warm the lonely night..." Coming face to face singing to each other as country star-singing duets do, they looked directly into each others eyes and were singing through them, down into their hearts and deep-seated ecstasy.  And despite the fact that he was an "eye" guy and hers were a simple brown, it was the deep complexity of what was inside them that was so dangerously alluring, revealing things that wouldn't be exposed even verbally through "space".  At that moment for him, it stopped being about eye color and became about what was buried behind them.

For her,  seeing the profound affection and sincerity in his eyes- taking all of her in- dispelled any uncertainty and self-doubt she may have had left; and right then she knew that to him, she was and felt "Perfect and Gorgeous!"

May 3, 2014

The S.A.M. Story Part VII


The list of positive qualities was lengthening for him as she added 'great cook' next to 'likes to dance'; his meal being incredibly delicious.  Sharing his company with her dinner was like the dessert for her and oh, how she loved dessert!!

As she sat across from him conversing , the pieces she had configured; contrived over space, were now interlocking fantasy with reality and she liked the 'real life' picture that was forming and that it was creating. As has been said, it is much better in person.

He had a beautiful smile and a seductive voice and laugh, drawing her weakness' out like poisonous snake venom.  The antithesis and only available cure right then was him and lightheadedness was setting in so she needed it soon, only he was unaware of her condition..... or he may have offered assistance.

He finished loading the dishwasher and invited her to come into the living room, imitating Vanna White, motioning her to the suede couch.  He sat next to her and for the first time ever, since she met him, they were facing each other so close their bodies touched causing the original reservedness to return. 

He held out his hand and she took it thanking him again for dinner and the day spent together so far. Oh, what even the simplest form of human touch can do to our vitals.  She traced each of his fingers on his hand with hers then spreading her fingers flattened her hand, letting the upper palm of her hand gently massage its way up his arm swirling it around from fingers to palm along his skin so soft and smooth.

His forearm had a tattoo of his family's name and she meticulously followed each letter with her finger as a third grader would who was learning cursive.  They talked about his tattoos and the stories behind them.  Unlike him, she had 'virgin skin' as getting a tattoo was also on her: "I-never-really-want-to-do-that" list (along with riding a motorcycle).  He was about to change that.

He excused himself and came back from his child's room with a cup of mini Sharpies.  He had shared in one of their phone conversations, a S.A.M. that he liked to draw and was pretty good at it,  so her body was now to be his canvas.  He stipulated, however, that she couldn't see it until his work was done.  It would be a surprise!

His first choice was her ankle.  She reclined back on the couch as he sat on the rug pushing her dress out of the way, holding her foot in his hand, with his finger first tracing his design, then making his way up her leg.  He said, "You are going to love this"; leaving her wondering just what his imagination was concocting.

The venom was only spreading as talking and laughing and feeling him gently touch her while designing, was making her delirious.  When is he going to be done? she wondered.  She then heard, "Ta-dah." and was finally permitted to look; to view the finished work.

Although she wasn't sure what to expect she was pleased to see a heart with a detailed intricate outline.  That was a S.A.M. she had shared as her favorite shape and she was touched he had remembered.  What she wasn't ready for was the blue and silver star inside the heart.  He knew she loved football but also that she despised the Cowboys-his favorite team.  He was right-she was surprised! She reached down and swatted him playfully as he pulled her down next to him.

Anti-venom may be a rare commodity but it saves and changes lives as it did hers right then.  He informed her that he wasn't done as he had one more tattoo he wanted to add.  This time they traded places, with her sitting on a pillow on the floor and him on the couch behind her with his legs on each side of her shoulders. 

Needing to have access to the back of her neck, he gingerly slipped her dress down over her shoulders.  Each time he got close to her or she exposed more of herself to him she became self conscious, concerned he may suddenly see something he didn't like and be let down-her original fear.

He didn't seem to notice though as he immediately started his new project.  It tickled as he drew, while kissing her neck making it impossible for her to be a good model/student.  Had he chosen washable markers over permanent, his work would have been smeared. 

As he worked he shared stories of his childhood and his fears, and the pains he had experienced, and where his inspiration for the current tattoo had come from. Although she was loving the flirtatious interaction, his vulnerability made him irresistible to her, causing her to want to stop what they were doing and reunite.

Finally finished, he sent her into the bathroom to see his piece of resistance.  Using a hand held mirror to see his work she saw elaborate, beautiful wings with the words, 'slegnA eht htiW peelS' underneath. 'Sleep With the Angels' was something he would cyberly "say" to her at night as they departed.  A phrase she hadn't heard before but that she came to love as it always felt like a hug from him and brought her comfort and warmed her heart.  Tonight she would literally have an angel in bed with her.

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