February 24, 2010


"Laughter is an instant vacation."~Milton Berle
Comments overheard by children

 ~I didn't hear you-my eyes were shut.

~He was speak-less.

~Why can't you breathe out your ears?

(He is holding his breath.)

~1st child:I have air coming out here (pointing to mouth).
2nd child:That's the blow dryer.

~If I close my eyes in the day I'll have nightmares.

~Our President is Rock Obama.

~My Kung Fu teacher is Mr. Girl Power.

~My sister is running away because she doesn't like anyone to chase her.

~PB & J is Spanish for peanut butter and jelly.

"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk
comes out my nose."~Woody Allen


February 21, 2010

The Black Buff - Part 1 Is Back

I had originally posted the Black Buff on Feb 7 but removed it on Feb 9.  It is now re-posted.

Black Buff is a disease that turns the area black. 
It has to be cut out.
Then it has to be stitched up.
Then you are all better. 

 This disease affects stuffed animals.  I learned about it from a child whose elephant had it.

I was informed that it's very serious and can spread if it isn't taken care of.

Can humans contract it?  Yes.

I wonder what it would be called.  Anger maybe or resentment ?  Fear or guilt perhaps?  Pain?  Frustration?

I have seen it in humans only it isn't as clearly visible as it is on Stuffy the elephant.
At least not at first.
It does continue to spread to other areas in their lives if it isn't treated though.

Mostly it affects peoples' heart. 
Although you can't see it as a black spot from the outside, it starts to become who they are.
And that is evident.

Actually I got an advanced case of Black Buff after my divorce.

I thought it was in remission as I'd posted the positive quotes, said I'd forgiven him, (because that's the right thing to do) and I spent a lot of time on vacation in Denial.  I believed I was recovering.

I was sure that I at least had it confined to just my ex.
But one day I noticed that I was angry at the other drivers on the road who were obediently going the speed limit and at the inept cashier who was so slow and that my heart was cynical towards the whole stupid world.
I had the Buff!  And a bad case of it!

At that moment I realized that all that anger, pain,  rejection, fear, frustration, and tremendous guilt that I felt because of and towards my ex was now also aimed at the world.

It was no longer just what I felt but had become who I was.  

It's a crucial procedure to cut the Buff out while still living your life.
Sometimes the heart just wants to cocoon itself and stop feeling.
When that happens it prolongs the healing and sometimes makes it almost impossible to recover.
I was vacationing at that shut down spot Denial, and I was seriously thinking about staying there permanently.

When it gets to that point it takes a miracle to heal.
I've never seen someone have that change in their heart, the Black Buff removed completely, without a miracle. 

I was granted that change upon request.

Actually, it was more like a desperate plea.

"God brings men into deep waters, not to drown them, but to cleanse them."~John Aughey

To be continued....

February 20, 2010

'Inconvenient Sick'

"The phrase "working mother" is redundant."~Jane Sellman

 'Inconvenient sick' is the only kind of sick that mothers are allowed to get. (And some fathers too)

'I.S.'  is when you are dragging and you do not feel quite up to your normal self.
But you can not stop, be sick or get the rest you need.

You can never get 'REAL SICK'.

Because if you do...

who will pack the lunches,
find the missing shoe,
do your homework,
nurse the baby,
sign the consent forms,
"make her stop touching me",
change the diapers,
go to work for you,
do the laundry,
be the chaperon,
be the Dr.,
and the nurse,
and the secretary,
and the therapist,
and the lab tech,
and the janitor,
and the pharmacist,
and the x-ray tech,
and the general surgeon,

and the heart specialist,

and the vet,
and the gardener,
and the cook,
and the entertainer,
and the dishwasher,
and the librarian,
and the bather,
and the crowd controller,
and the singer,
and the comedian,
and the audience,                                                                                                    
and the scientist,
and the judge,
and the comforter,
and the encourager,
and the teacher,
and the artist,
and the house keeper,                                                                     
and the musician,
and the cab driver (or maybe limo mini-van driver),


and the referee,
and the historian,                                                                    
and the playmate,                                                                                         

and the defense attorney,
and the dentist,
and the nutritionist,

Who will sign permission slips,
find his glasses,
give the spelling words,
sew the patch on,
be the helping classroom parent,
bake the brownies,
make the party bags,
cheer their team on,
"make her stop looking at me"

buy the groceries,
design and make the costume,
feed the pets,
wash the uniform,
put gas in the car,
buy the birthday present,
know where the extra poster board is,
know everything,

And who will keep the family going,
and yet help the family stop and get sufficient rest,

keep the family healthy,                                                                   
hope everyone still feels loved at the end of the day,
pray your heart out,
cry yourself to sleep,                                                                
pass out from exhaustion,
And get up and do it again tomorrow?

Do not ever underestimate all that you do!

Add to the list: Make time for yourself!

"Not much emphasis has been placed upon the part that women played in the settlement of the Western Empire.  In this we are but following the general practice of men throughout the ages.  Women bear the burdens of the household, carry most of the responsibility of rearing a family, inspire their husbands and sons to achieve success; and while the latter are being given the applause of public acclaim, the wives and mothers who really merit recognition and commendation remain smilingly content in unheralded achievement."~David O McKay

"A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie."~Tenneva Jordan

February 17, 2010

Wise Teachers

"We picture love as heart-shaped because we do not know the shape of the soul."~Robert Brault

 The children were having a discussion about the human body in their class.

When asked what the heart pumps, one of the children yelled out, " I know, it pumps love!"

Then the music teacher was teaching the children the song that says, "Love is something when you give it away, you end up having more."

 She said,"It doesn't make math sense, does it?"  
And a young boy said, "But it makes body sense!."


"We love him, because he first loved us." 1 John 4:19


February 15, 2010

What I Learned About Prayer

"Sometimes I pray for help, not knowing what that help might look like."~Cynthia

 Prayer is one of the greatest blessings we have.
It is a sincere, heartfelt talk with God.
And nothing helps us draw closer to Him than prayer.

But I did not always know this.

I used to think that there were only a couple of types of things to pray for.
That your team would win the game or that you would pass a test you had not studied for or that your mom didn't hear you come in late or that the policeman's radar gun was off.
Situations I had gotten myself into.
Self-centered things.

The only other time to pray was if it was literally a situation where you were in deaths way.
That was it.

Other than that I thought that you were supposed to think of and then implement the solutions yourself. (Unless that meant practicing or studying or coming home on time or obeying traffic laws...)

I told myself that God had way too many more important people and things to worry about than simple 'ole me.

That is how I felt in my life as a child too.
You did not bother others with your needs.
Because chances of your needs getting met were slim.
Anything that could not be changed or resolved by you was just how it would have to be.

I have learned since then that prayer is so much more.
And that knowledge has changed my whole life.

I now know that God wants me to come to Him with all my concerns.
If they are important to me, they are important to Him.

This is so trivial, but one time I could not find a doll pattern that I needed to fill these orders that had to be delivered.
I had acted in the old way of doing things and had looked everywhere several times and to no avail.
I knew that it was a frivolous and unimportant matter of life.
So it was only when I became totally frustrated and desperate and had run out of options that I turned to Him.
After I did, I was given a clear direction in my mind of where to look.
The pattern was there.
Somewhere that I had already looked before but I had not been able to find it.

I have called upon this memory many times to remind me that my pleas are heard no matter how insignificant they seem to others.
Or even to me sometimes.

Something else happened along with the realization that I am heard.
I learned that God loved me, knew me, and wanted to help me.
If it was that important to me, it was that important to Him!

This belief, this sure knowledge, would help me through many trying times that were to come my way after that.
Going through my divorce and later as I had struggles with my children I never plead so hard from the depths of my heart.

I knew I would receive guidance and/or strength.
Many times I needed to believe that, as I would come to have some of the darkest moments of my life that I had ever experienced.

The peace and solace did come, not because things were always resolved but because I knew my petitions were not going out in vain.
I knew they were being heard.

I knew that in my dark, lonely, fearful world I was not going through this alone.
I knew it with a certainty.

Sometimes though, the answer would be no, or slow in coming to me and I would start to wonder where God had gone.
"Oh ye of little faith, Reyna"

The peace would start to fade.
I would tell myself that maybe I had disappointed Him.
I could instantly make a list of why that might be.
Maybe because of this disappointment I reasoned, He didn't love me so much anymore.

That is also how life felt growing up.
That love was conditional.

But God does not love conditionally.
He loves us no matter what we do.
He loves unconditionally.

I would learn later that the delayed answers to a prayer were for my own good.
It would strengthen my feeble faith.
It would allow me to think of a solution within myself, when He knew my self-esteem needed that.

Delayed answers did not mean He was not there or aware.
Sometimes it meant that others needed time to grow and learn, and an immediate answer would impede that.
And sometimes it meant that I was not supposed to do anything.

That was the hardest one.
I am a give-me-a-list type of girl.
Then I feel like something is happening.
But just wait?
And do nothing?
And let God take care of it?
Do you know how hard that is for a Ctrl freak?
It is crazy making!

And faith building.
And the honing of fine character.
And the refining of an obedient and humble child.

It is one of the purest forms of love.

And that is what I wanted and needed to feel.
That is how I felt in the end.

Now I understand prayer so much better.
I still ask sometimes, Are you there?, but I know without a doubt, passed my weakness of the flesh, that He is.
And always has been.

And that is what gives me the courage and strength to keep going forward even as trials still pave my life's path.

For that knowledge I am grateful.

"I have been driven many times to my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go."~Abraham Lincoln

February 12, 2010

When Do We Lose It?

"The authentic self is the soul made visible"~Sarah Ban Breathnach

 I was walking behind a little girl today who was on her way to her class. 
She was wearing fuzzy bunny ears.
Purple ones!
And they were on backwards!

Yet she was walking with the confidence of a woman adorned in her finest accessories.
And with a pep in her step that was just as lively.

She didn't worry about stares.
Or what others might be thinking.
She didn't care that it is no where near Easter or any day- of- recognition- for- a- bunny day.
She just was.

And she was so happy.

So happy that it made me happy too.
Not only for her but for me.

It made me happy that there are still some people in this world who get up in the morning and dress what they feel.
Who are not concerned about upholding an image.              

Granted it was a child.
We can accept that.
Because she is young, it is much easier to think that it was cute.
Not so much with an adult.

Imagine going to work and seeing a co-worker dressed like a rabbit?

Okay. See?  What are some of the thoughts that immediately went through your head!?

I admired and yearned to have what she had, within myself.
And I wondered when I had lost it.
When did I quit being me?

When do cruel words or actions of others happen enough, that we stop being on the outside what we are feeling on the inside?

When do we give up our fantasies because we might be laughed at?

When do we quit dreaming?

When does reality become a confining word?

I have often talked about reality in a negative sense.
And sometimes it can be painful.

But for this little girl it was reality that made it possible for her to be.
The reality that she is young.
That she has no inhibitions.
And that the people in her life allow and maybe even encourage her to express herself as she chooses.

Isn't it that very same reality: age, inhibitions, and the people around us, that keep us from expressing who we are?

In many of us we no longer even remember something that was fun or creative.
Something that brought sheer joy to us.
Something that made us smile from the inside out.

So we admire it in others.
And we tell ourselves it just isn't who we are.
But part of us doesn't believe it.
Part of us knows that it is a lie.

And so we ask ourselves

When did we start dressing on the outside to hide what is on the inside?

And we feel a little empty.

When did we lose it?

"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells.  Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.  Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities."~Theodor Geisel, Dr. Seuss 

February 10, 2010

'I Didn't Expect to' ... series

I will be starting an ' I Didn't Expect to ' series as a take off from the original post on January 29th.

I will start at number one and work my way down the list.

Although much of what is on my list happened quite a while ago, I expect to have emotions come up as I delve into recalling some of the memories of the past.

That may bring up unexpected feelings.

 I will take as much time as needed between posts to ponder and process and do any unfinished healing before I move on to the next item on the list.

If I visit my vacation home in Denial during that time there may be odd posts in between that have nothing to do with what is on the list.

I will eventually return home.

I hope this becomes as much about the journey for you as it will be for me.

The longest journey we ever take will be the journey within.

So Why Are You Doing It?

In the last week several people have asked me why I decided to start a blog.

Isn't it interesting how you think you have an answer to something until you have to actually come up with one?

I first heard about blogging several years ago.  Maybe it was on Larry King Live.

Since I am the computer illiterate, the topic just sat in the back of my mind with all the other
' someday thoughts'.
It has kept company with the: learn to reupholster furniture found on the curb side, visit Switzerland, and whiten teeth.

I recalled the idea once I started thinking about what I would do differently in my life once all my children had all gone off to college.

So this thought entertained that thought and the more I was told that I would have a difficult time starting a blog- since I didn't even know how to turn my computer on- the more determined I became.

Really, at the bottom of this is my desire to share some of the life experiences I have had with others in hope of maybe being able to connect on a down to earth level.

A level that says life often doesn't go as we'd planned and we don't always get it right, but as long as we are alive and able , there's always a chance to change.

"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."
 ~Author Unknown~

So here I am!

February 9, 2010

What happened to the Black Buff?

If you are thinking that you saw a new post entitled Black Buff and it isn't here anymore, you aren't totally crazy.
(I'm not going to be responsible for the part that was crazy before I came along though.)

I did post a blog with that name.
I also did remove it.

The Black Buff has been removed for further diagnosis. It may be re-posted at a later date.
Thank you for being aware.

February 6, 2010

Unexpected Vulnerability

I didn't expect to feel so vulnerable just because I'm blogging.

  This is just a picture added for humor.

I'm getting a little concerned that my humor on my blog isn't being understood.
I also didn't want my posts to be too serious.
 Or to be too mushy,

Or too boring,                                                                                                      
Or too sad,
This multiple personality stuff is not for sissies.                                           
Well, maybe one of them can be a sissy...

I started writing this blog for myself but it would also be nice if others enjoyed it too.

I realize it'll drive me crazy trying to worry about how others may be perceiving me so I've decided to go forward with whatever moody person shows up at that moment.

I'd invite you to keep checking and reading and hopefully there will be something that resonates for you!

'I finally discovered that my greatest fear is not being alone; it's being vulnerable.'~Unknown Author

February 2, 2010

Didn't Expect to Age...

Well of course I expected to age.

There was a time though that I went in reverse and was told how much younger I looked.

I was hoping that that would 'keep going and going and going...' The Energizer Bunny meets Mrs. Benjamin Button phase. 

 Apparently it didn't!

Well it has kept going, pretty fast actually, but in the other direction! 

Button, Button who has my Button?

Today Dr. Oz was talking about spider veins vs varicose veins.  Ugh!

He's really cute. 

The veins aren't.

 I sure wouldn't mind him putting support stockings on me...

Lesley Jane Seymour writes in her editor's letter in the Dec. 2009/Jan. 2010 More magazine, "...please check the bulletin board..., where I've posted a picture of my old thighs-you know, the ones that were firm and lean and fit into my sleekest pants.  I woke up this morning to discover that new thighs have moved in, all mushy and puckered and shot with a spider vein or two.  I'd like the others back, please.  I'm offering a $10,000 reward."

That pretty much says it all more or less.

It's all coming together for me now.  I asked for slippers for Christmas and these are what one of my sons bought me.   

 Add another personality to the mix!

There may be some advantages to this personality.  It looks like she keeps her legs covered!
Maybe she knows something we don't....

 Note Pete's' comment about his 'Button', remembering of course that this is a G-rated site.

February 1, 2010

The Gentle Touch

I saw something today that brought tears to my heart and they seeped out my eyes.

I'm not sure why it affected me so much.

Every week I see men touch their wives in loving ways while I'm at church.

Maybe it was because it was so subtle and so simple.

So unexpected. 

This is my interpretation.

A husband reached over and gently ran his fingers on his wife's elbow and then wiggled his hand under where her elbow had been resting on the back of the pew.  She didn't seem to notice it at first, being distracted by her son with special needs, but then she picked up her elbow as if maybe she was smashing his hand.

With no words, he looked at her with only his eyes and that gentle touch again.  It seemed that he was saying 'he meant to do that'.  He was providing cushion for her unprotected elbow. 

Oh, the loving interaction that happened in that moment!

Maybe that's what it was for me.

That look.  

That gentle touch.

It didn't seem like a sensual look or touch that said, 'I can't wait till we get time alone', it was more like a look of deeply felt love.  A look that said they'd been through some heartbreaking as well as Kodak moments together.  A look that said, 'I'm so blessed that you're my wife.'

Maybe that's why I was so moved by it.

Because someday I'd like to experience that.

As I write this I am again emotional and all the words are looking italicized.

"True love is not so much a matter of romance as it is a matter of anxious concern for the well being of ones companion."~Gordon B. Hinkley~

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