October 20, 2013

Every Child Is Worthy Of Love

10/14/2013  I wrote this the night after I found out my father had died.

Perhaps it is the finality of my fathers death and the truth that a relationship will never, ever exist, that has stirred up emotions I had not expected to have.

I am sad.  Tears are starting to flow from a heart that feels tight and uncertain; maybe more-so unfamiliar, as they are coming from a place within that has for most of my life remained untouched.  It is mainly uncharted 'father' territory.  

I think our hearts, like our minds, make room for things we invite and incorporate into our lives.  There is not a designated Father room in my heart's home.  There is a sign on the door but it is clear that it has not been utilized.  It is vacant.  There never were memories to put in there because there was never a person to create them.  It is a room that will now forever remain empty. 

In the book,  The Letter by Richard Paul Evans it says, "Mary Anne will neither enter the parlor nor acknowledge its existence.  I cannot fault her for such, as we all have rooms we lock and daren't visit, lest they bring pain."   

This may accurately express why this room in my heart has remained sealed.

I am not sure, but perhaps there were times growing up when I wondered about how a  father could abandon a child.  Especially one he knew existed.  As a mother, it is not something I can even conceive of.

Although I read this many years ago, I marked this passage (again from the book) as some part of it must have resonated somewhere in the recesses of my heart.  

"My whole life I have felt like I needed to talk to her [his mother], to ask her why she left me.  But I realized that what I really wanted to know is why I wasn't worthy of her love.  That is something she couldn't have answered, because I was worthy of her love, whether she gave it to me or not.  Every child is worthy of love."  (italics added)

Of this, I know without a doubt, and that knowledge is what will help me heal the empty room in my heart!

October 13, 2013

The Loss Of A Loss

Today I found out my father died.

It was through someone I don't even really know.

It was thoughtful of her to take time to look me up (thank goodness for social media) and let me know.

Probably for most people this would be an extremely sad day.

For me, I am sad.
But it is a different sadness.
I am sad that my father died and I did not know him
I did not develop a relationship with him to miss; so I am not sad in the way a daughter would be.
I am not angry at all either, as I have had my lifetime to accept this fact.
I am just sad that I "should" be sad at this time yet I never had a father to grow to love and therefore mourn.

But mostly I am sad for him.

So once again I say to all you active fathers in your children's lives.

Keep up the good work!  You are a blessing to the world!! 
And for generations to come!!

"You will find that if you really try to be a father, your child will meet you halfway."  ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com
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