10/14/2013 I wrote this the night after I found out my father had died.
Perhaps it is the finality of my fathers death and the truth that a relationship will never, ever exist, that has stirred up emotions I had not expected to have.
I am sad. Tears are starting to flow from a heart that feels tight and uncertain; maybe more-so unfamiliar, as they are coming from a place within that has for most of my life remained untouched. It is mainly uncharted 'father' territory.
I think our hearts, like our minds, make room for things we invite and incorporate into our lives. There is not a designated Father room in my heart's home. There is a sign on the door but it is clear that it has not been utilized. It is vacant. There never were memories to put in there because there was never a person to create them. It is a room that will now forever remain empty.
In the book, The Letter
by Richard Paul Evans it says, "Mary Anne will neither enter the parlor
nor acknowledge its existence. I cannot fault her for such, as we all
have rooms we lock and daren't visit, lest they bring pain."
This may accurately express why this room in my heart has remained sealed.
I am not sure, but perhaps there were times growing up when I wondered about how a father could abandon a child. Especially one he knew existed. As a mother, it is not something I can even conceive of.
Although I read this many years ago, I marked this passage (again from the book) as some part of it must have resonated somewhere in the recesses of my heart.
"My whole life I have felt like I needed to talk to her [his mother], to ask her why she left me. But I realized that what I really wanted to know is why I wasn't worthy of her love. That is something she couldn't have answered, because I was worthy of her love, whether she gave it to me or not. Every child is worthy of love." (italics added)
Of this, I know without a doubt, and that knowledge is what will help me heal the empty room in my heart!