April 20, 2011

The Weight Is On

Just to clarify things, I am not proud of this.


Back when I first posted about my shocking weight revelation I thought the scale was unbalanced.

But it has gotten worse.

You know how the needle on a broken scale goes around and around?
Well, there you have it!

How can that be?!
(Let me count the ways.)

I have vowed to do something about it because I have now moved my,
"I will never get to that weight" limit  several times!
In the bigger size direction!

I am trying to be realistic here.
So for starters I want to be honest about the facts.

#1  I cannot be sure that even if I make adjustments I will change the numbers on the scale.

#2  I can however control certain factors.

#3  I will eat a smaller portion of the serving I would regularly have.

#4  I will walk at least five days a week.

#5  I will drink water before I eat.

#6  I will only eat when I am hungry, not 'just because'.

#7  I will stop eating as soon as I feel full.  I will not stuff myself.

#8  I will find other ways to feed my emotional stress ors (stress ors are little whiny, needy people who beg to be fed sugary, fatty food, promising relief from life when a Denial trip is not an option.)

#9  I will only eat one big treat a day.

#10  I will look myself in the eye and remind myself that I am loveable and loved.

Doing these things will not guarantee weight loss results,
but they are things I can be proactive about.

I have been acting like the victim within my body, 
yet I am the one feeding her. 

I am now ready to take accountability and to face that fact.

P.S.  I just noticed that it was exactly a year ago this same month that my pounds were brought to my attention and started to weigh heavy on me.

April 12, 2011

I Spent The Night

I spent the night with the new guy in my life.

His dad was working out of town and his mom had to go help her mother at the Mayo clinic.

Oh my gosh!

I forgot how tired tired really is.

What it feels like to get sporadic sleep. 
And only a little at that.

How I have to "time" my shower.
Either having company join me or' listening' while rushing through, before he wakes up.
And how strategic, completing my make-up regimen can be.
(Remembering I only have mascara on one eye because I stopped to feed him...) 

(Rereading this up to this point, I see that it could be misunderstood to be a needy man I am posting about-but it's not, it's a baby!)  (Go back and try reading it that way :).

It is times and experiences like this that make me look back and wonder how I did it with 5 children.
Granted some things were sacrificed.
But I don't know how I didn't just find a horse or large dog and ride off into the sunset....

It makes me feel sorrow for the things I said to Reyna.
The unrealistic expectations I had of her, followed by reprimanding and guilt because they weren't met.
It makes me want to give her a hug and words of praise and encouragement for ALL that goes into parenting.
For how difficult and sometimes unrelenting it can be.

It is easy for me to look back now and have a new revised plan (until I am  personally put back in a similar situation.)
It is often tempting to beat myself up in the arrears for "things I should have done different".
This humble pie (of reliving it) balances my diet now and then as I realize the truths- that I did what I could at the time.

If there are mothers or fathers reading this who are feeling like "you aren't doing enough", STOP IT! (No, keep reading..)

You can never "parent enough" because what we want, is what is best for our children, and thus we require perfection -  from ourselves.
It will never happen.  (If you are perfect, this is not the blogspot place for you. No, you do not belong in the zoo. The circus is the place for you-Put Me In the Zoo.)

And besides that, even if by some miraculous chance you were born perfect,  FYI the world isn't.

Go easy parents.....You never fail as a parent as long as you keep trying and love your children!

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