Handling Changes

This is an article I wrote for my school's news letter.       

                                                               

As a new school year starts, there are bound to be changes to our schedules, our lives, our habits, and our emotions.

It will probably take some time for adjustment and for a routine to develop that the family is comfortable with.

I have found over the years that sometimes we are not aware how important predictability is to our children.  If you are doubting what I’m saying, think about what might happen if you drive a different route to school or forget your tie (does anyone wear ties anymore to work?) or drink coffee out of a different cup or heaven forbid buy it from a different store!?

So what can we do to help our children?

Try really hard to develop a routine especially for the mornings and at bedtime.

NOTE: When there are many family members including siblings, an exact time of things can feel impossible and may often be.  Seth misses his bus so you are now a taxi finding the quickest, shortest route with Miss GPS’s help-maybe--- in order to get everyone else where they need to be on time. 
   
Chances are on those days you aren’t merrily singing Polly Wally Doodle All Day, (but then again, you might be one of those exceptional families who will take every opportunity to create lasting memories…). 

If however you are not, just know Mama said there’d be days like this and get back on track the next day.  (It might help to recount where the glitch happened to avoid it again if at all possible.)

Try however, to establish a basic idea of what will be happening for these daily rituals.

On the other hand, being too rigid about time frames can create stress of a different source.

I know, make up your mind Reyna!    

But that’s parenting for you.   
Basically, it’s guidelines with room for personal interpretation.  Welcome to parenthood!

Anyway, back to my main point.  When changes happen as they will-for that is life in motion- keep as many of your regular habits as realistic.  Something as simple as not having their favorite breakfast bowl can cause turmoil for some children.  Also things we might not think, such as the opposite parent bringing the child to school when he/she usually doesn’t, can cause stress.  For some children this will be a treat, for others, chaos.  Learn to understand your child’s preferences.

A break in the family dynamic, like a parent traveling or company in the home can also uproot a child’s sense of security.  These things are also helpful to share with a teacher so they then can be aware of any sensitivities that might manifest itself in our children.

Although children may seem too young to really care, in general they like to know what to expect (in condensed form, not the essay-way I used to present it).   
Tell them a basic outline of events.  If your child is uncomfortable with transitions, give 5 minute warnings/reminders that change will be happening, e.g. we will be leaving in 5 minutes so finish up what you are doing. 

For the most part, as time goes on, people will fall into place with the new changes and all will be well.

One last thing I would like to address is the emotional changes that happen for the parents (which I alluded to in the first sentence.)

Watching our children become the independent, confident children we hoped to raise (darn them) can cause our hearts to mourn.   Oh yes, on one hand we are beamingly satisfied with them going off into the classroom and finding an activity or friend to play with but they may hardly even notice we are saying our goodbyes and that might sting.  They are growing up and away in the tiniest steps. 

It is imperative that we acknowledge this.  
Both the fact that they are maturing and the fact that we may not quite be ready for it.   It is in a sense a loss of their total dependence on us to a new form of independence for them.  This of course is what we want (for it breaks our hearts more to know they were crying for us all day) nevertheless it is sometimes a hard stage to swallow.   
It is normal to feel this tug of emotions!

Know they will always be your child and will need you to be their parent.  The only difference will be in how it manifests itself.  So, advise for parents is to develop a new habit/ routine for yourself that you do for yourself while your most prized gift is doing exactly what he is supposed to because you did your job exactly how you should have!

Have a wonderful year!                                                                                  

The Cracker Shopper - A Parenting Parable

This post is an excerpt from an article I wrote for my school's newsletter.

Our school provides wheat crackers and milk everyday (along with water and an additional item) for the children's snack.  The staff takes turns being "The Cracker Shopper".

The first year I worked at the school and my rotation came around I closely watched the pantry supply, taking into consideration when the best time would be to shop.  I still had a son at home that was very involved in varying activities as well as the community work that I myself was doing, so timing was everything.  Because there is only one grocery chain that carries the crackers I carefully figured that destination in my errand loop.


One morning as I was preparing the snack, shortly after I had mentally made my date for the "shopping excursion", I was surprised and confused to see the pantry shelves already stocked with crackers.  Many thoughts crossed my mind as I wondered: if it was not my month to shop after all, had the cracker fairy come overnight or had I in my pre-Alzheimer's  state already done it and forgotten?  Those with more wisdom and years at the school suggested that someone had done it just to be helpful and nice.  Adding, that someone may have thought I had forgotten.  (Had I already started my absent-minded reputation?)

Trying to make myself feel better, that is what I told myself, but the truth was I still had on my goody-two-shoes-has-it-perfectly-all-together facade, trying to impress my new coworkers, so my "condition" was still under wraps.  But something happened to me that day that has stayed with me.

I became aware that I felt as though someone had not trusted in my ability to accomplish the task given me.  That brought up a couple of things for me.  It made me question my own ability and the thought-out decisions I had carefully made.  It left me wondering if I had unknowingly done something wrong. 

When I determined I hadn't, it made me resentful in a way.  I knew what was going on, and I had a plan.  I could and would rise to the occasion.   There would not be a shortage of crackers, but it appeared that because it was not the way someone else would have done it, it wasn't the "correct" way.  

The sensitive, vulnerable side of me wanted to throw my hands up crying, "Then maybe you should just do it."  The defensive, ego-wounded side of me wanted to throw something and say, "Then you just do it!"

As uncomfortable as it was, it made me think about times I had unknowingly sent that 
message to my own children by "correcting" what they did, or questioning their 'technique'.  Since I am older and have more experience I must know the best way.  I left no room for them to use their reasoning abilities, their creativity, or their opportunity to maybe learn from failure.  (It would have been uncomfortable and inconvenient for someone to have had to make a cracker run for me had I really forgotten, but I guarantee it would never happen again after that).

How often had I sent the message to my children that I did not trust their judgment?  If this is what they were repeatedly hearing from me, how could I expect them to trust themselves; their own judgment?  What would happen if and when I was not around to correct or worse, "think for them"?  Had I unintentionally discouraged them from being confident, self-accepting and willing to weigh out and try new things?

To some degree I am sure I did, being the inexperienced parent that I was.  But it is never too late to learn and to change ways.  (Do you ever notice how the patterns/behaviors you have with your children often overflow into other relationships as well?)  Everyone can benefit from change, even adults.

Be not dismayed.  This is not to provide guilt (although I can if you really want), it is to hopefully help you realize some changes that can be made sooner rather than later.  I know (after numerous therapy sessions) that that accommodating shopper way back when was truly trying to be helpful (as I hope my children will someday realize too).  And she was in more ways than one.  For that I will always be grateful! 




 

I Spent The Night

I spent the night with the new guy in my life.

His dad was working out of town and his mom had to go help her mother at the Mayo clinic.


Oh my gosh!

I forgot how tired tired really is.
What it feels like to get sporadic sleep. 
And only a little at that.


How I have to "time" my shower.
Either having company join me or' listening' while rushing through, before he wakes up.
And how strategic, completing my make-up regimen can be.
(Remembering I only have mascara on one eye because I stopped to feed him...) 


(Rereading this up to this point, I see that it could be misunderstood to be a needy man I am posting about-but it's not, it's a baby!)  (Go back and try reading it that way :).


It is times and experiences like this that make me look back and wonder how I did it with 5 children.
Granted some things were sacrificed.
But I don't know how I didn't just find a horse or large dog and ride off into the sunset....

It makes me feel sorrow for the things I said to Reyna.
The unrealistic expectations I had of her, followed by reprimanding and guilt because they weren't met.
It makes me want to give her a hug and words of praise and encouragement for ALL that goes into parenting.
For how difficult and sometimes unrelenting it can be.


It is easy for me to look back now and have a new revised plan (until I am  personally put back in a similar situation.)
It is often tempting to beat myself up in the arrears for "things I should have done different".
This humble pie (of reliving it) balances my diet now and then as I realize the truths- that I did what I could at the time.


If there are mothers or fathers reading this who are feeling like "you aren't doing enough", STOP IT! (No, keep reading..)


You can never "parent enough" because what we want, is what is best for our children, and thus we require perfection -  from ourselves.
It will never happen.  (If you are perfect, this is not the blogspot place for you. No, you do not belong in the zoo. The circus is the place for you-Put Me In the Zoo.)

And besides that, even if by some miraculous chance you were born perfect,  FYI the world isn't.


Go easy parents.....You never fail as a parent as long as you keep trying and love your children!

Time Out!! You Mean, For Me?

I taught another parenting class tonight.

The topic was hidden.

The Education Board made up the flier and I appreciate it.
(Because remember, the computer and I are still getting acquainted?) 


It was titled "How to Make the Holiday Season Wonderful"
(When I read it I wanted to go until I realized that it was my class)
That was followed with a description and under that the topic,
"Highlighting the Importance of Taking Time Out for Yourself."

It just really made me think.


If the title was, "Stopping Sibling Rivalry"
Or "How to Get Your Children to do What You Want",
Or "Getting Your Child's Education Paid For",
It would have been packed!


But taking time for yourself?

Aah, we say things like,
"It sounds like a great idea and class but who has the time and energy?
And it would only serve me anyway,
right?"
WRONG!


Some things I learned through necessity of being a single parent:


*If you don't take care of yourself no one else can.

*Know yourself.  Know the season you're in.  Know when to say no.
Know what you can and can't do.  (Don't lie to yourself.)

*We cannot give what we do not have.  You are the emotional source.
If you are depleted where will it come from?

*Are we all output and no input?


*Maybe he/she needs shoes more than you need a haircut,
but he/she needs you and your patience and love more than shoes.
That ability to give comes from us also meeting our needs.

*When we take care of ourselves, we teach our children that we are important,
that we matter.  Isn't that what we want them to believe about themselves?

* As they mature, they will most likely follow our examples and either discount themselves,
Or find someone who will discount their own needs for our child's sake.

*An outlet is not a luxury, it is a necessity.

*When we model respecting our own limitations it teaches our children to do the same.
Something that comes in real handy when they are teenagers and young adults.

*Do not take for granted all that you do.


*Learn who you are.  It makes us 'real' to our children who then have permission to be who they are.

Ask yourself: 
What do you like to do for yourself?
What is fun for you?
What are your needs?
Do you have any hobbies apart from your family?-
Things you like to do for pure pleasure and enjoyment?
And what would you enjoy doing if you didn't have anyone else's needs to consider?

Know that all these things are spoken of in humble moderation-but you all know that- too much sacrifice is your problem.

There is SO much more, but I hope you get the gist of it. 

 Summarizing Chieko N. Okazaki,

Only you know your circumstances, your energy level, the needs of your children, and the emotional demands of your obligations.  Be wise during intensive seasons of you life.

Don't compare yourself to others-nearly always this will make you despondent.

Don't accept somebody else's interpretation of how you should be spending your time.  Make the best decision you can and evaluate it to see how it works.

Wow! What Happened Here?!

Or Not!

I am not sure where I have been,

Or why I have not posted.

Maybe it was because I finally decided to wash my dishes,

Or attempt to try on and give away clothes that no longer fit.

(It is a good sign that is is time to let them go if they either get stuck going on or coming off...)

Or maybe I was coupon cutting.

(This has become my renewed passion.)

I am so excited about the great deals I have been finding,

that I am buying things like Huggies Little Movers (with no toddler),

and recordable discs (being the Luddite that I am of course.)

It could also be that I have been working on my presentation for a parenting class.

I am honored that I have been asked, 

yet always sometimes feel inadequate to be "the expert".

Well, I guess I am.

On what not to do as a parent.

It seems that my own family issues surface right about the time of my class presentation.

I worry that I will appear to be 'the hypocrite'.

(So I am considering using the Brady children as my examples.)

But then they didn't grow up so perfect either did they?

My diet has been blown by all the Humble pie I have been eating.

I also think I need to re-read my last post on guilt as that is contributing to my weight too.

I want to stand up in front of those parents and tell them that I made many mistakes as a parent,

but that it has all worked itself out now.

That I no longer have struggles.

That every one of my children are making mature, healthy choices,

and that I didn't contribute to any negative behavior.

I want to say this but I can't.

So I will just have to tell them the truth.

I will just have to admit that I am an imperfect parent
and that I have human children

and that we still have not figured it all out.

That what I do have readily available is my love.

And my desire and determination to keep learning and growing.

The End

If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and less tugging.
~Diane Loomans, from "If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again" 

Gone To Pot

I do not remember the 'pot pamphlet' being part of my "Welcoming  Your New Baby Home" package.

Do you?

You know, the one that says for approximately the next decade you will not be able to privately go to the bathroom?

If so, I missed it.

Who would dream that someone would want to be in that same room with you?
(The Pot?)

Well, apparently not me!

As all of my children have long been past this stage and are now living on their own, this is a far distant memory....

*The, "Mooommm, what are you doooiinngg in there?" question,

*The muffled, "Mrs. Lee is at the door and she has a flat tire and Mr. Lee is out of town and she has to go to the store cuz she has to make more brownies because Sara didn't know they were for the bake sale and she ate them and she wants to know if you can give her a ride.  So can you?!" yelled through the door jamb,


*The "Can you read this to me?" request (while sliding Everybody Poops under the door), 

*The distinct, it's-too-quiet-to-be-good silence (you know the one, the one that means TROUBLE) interruption,

*The, "I have to goooo! Huurrry!" demand.

(It's all coming back to me now.)


My children have no recollection of those days.
(I think it is because they have often traveled to Denial with me so are very familiar there.) (As stowaways- which was my choice, otherwise how could I have gone?)

So you can imagine my surprise when once again my privacy has been invaded.

                                                          BY THIS:
                                                         

                                                                                                           

                

 
                          



                                                        AND THIS:

"How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on."  ~Zall's Second Law

Parenting 101

"Most of us become parents long before we have stopped being children."  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

** PRNTG 101:

18 years credits,

Requires lifetime continuing education.

A grade of Z or better is required for graduation.

This course has prerequisites:

1. Must define sacrifice and humility by example, in daily living.
2. Must be able to clean up snot, throw-up, or poop without barfing.

3. Must be able to turn emotions on and off instantaneously.

4. Must be able to go without a shower for several days and still look as if you have had one.

5. Must be able to make dinner, give spelling words, "watch this trick", stop bickering amongst children-siblings, and remain level-headed and calm all at the same time.

6. Must be able to love unconditionally, even after your heart has been broken.

7. Must be o.k. being accompanied to the bathroom.

8. Must have a "Carol Brady' smile available at any moment.

9. Must be able to function on only three hours of sleep a night.

10. And must be able to experience emotions at a level never experienced before!

If you can do all these things AND with ease, you now qualify to try your heart hand at parenting!

**This course can be fulfilled with a satisfactory score on the AM I STILL SANE? assessment exam. 

"It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge."  ~Phyllis Diller

 

What Am I An Expert In?

"Your soul is all that you possess.  Take it in hand and make something of it!"~ Martin H. Fischer

 I was asked to define myself in a specific area.
To target what I am an expert in.
Be it divorce, parenting, single-parenting, teaching children, addiction, budgeting, refinishing furniture, computer illiteracy etc.

The problem is, is that I am not an expert on any of these things although I have had more experience in some areas than in others.
Mostly I am expert at what NOT to do.   (In all of the above areas!)

After some thought I have decided I am an expert after all.

*I am an expert at finding lessons in what life keeps presenting me.
*At growing (weight blog?!) and learning how to improve myself as a person.
*At getting up and trying again (even when I didn't feel there was any hope.)
*At trying to find something positive when the situation looks pessimistic.
*AND at having love in my heart despite all the unlovable things that have happened to me. 


BUT MOSTLY I AM AN EXPERT AT BEING ME !!!

"The finest thing in the world is knowing how to belong to oneself."~ Michel de Montaigne

Preconceived Notion

"I did my best parenting before I had children."

 
I had this preconceived notion before I had children of what kind of parent I was going to be.
Also of how my children were going to behave.
Of how we as a family were NEVER going to do that-
Whatever that was. 
We were not going to do it!

For example:

I was NEVER going to yell at my children.  Get upset maybe, but NEVER get so upset that I felt a need to yell, let alone actually yell.

My children would NEVER act out in public.
Or any place for that matter.
Because of course all I would have to do would be to tell them once what kind of behavior was expected of them and they would behave that way.
All of the time.

I would NEVER have bratty children.
I would ALWAYS be so proud of their behavior.


And if my children had siblings, they would ALWAYS treat them kindly and with love.
They would ALWAYS protect their sibling and NEVER do anything to hurt them.

If I ever had boys, (so I got four) they would NEVER drive their little cars around someone else's coffee table scratching it up.

They would NEVER break a neighbors window or one of ours while playing baseball with rocks.

They would NEVER think of spraying hairspray (yes I use hairspray-something I would never do) on flies to stop them in flight.
Or put duct tape on their siblings leg to see 'what will happen'.

I would NEVER have children who talk back.
Or EVER showed any form of disrespect (including eye-rolling).
ESPECIALLY my teenagers!


I would ALWAYS be patient.
I would be glad to answer the 'why' questions no matter how many my children would ask.
And I would answer them all.
Patiently of course.
With the correct answers.
And if I did not know the answer, I would look it up and get back to them.
I would NEVER forget to do that.


My children would NEVER have to go to the principals office or get in trouble with the law in any way.
Ever.


They would not be the ones who talk in class or who get their name on the board or who have to stay in from recess (do children even have recess anymore?).

I would be the room parent and love every minute of it hoping to organize more school carnival fundraisers.


My children would ALWAYS go right to bed when asked and NOT get up and ask for a drink or forget to tell me something really important.
And I would NEVER yell at them to get back in bed and make them cry because 'they were just trying to tell me they loved me'.
NEVER!


I would NEVER question why I became a mother.
I would ALWAYS be sure and confident that I was a blessing to them.
And of course I would ALWAYS remember what a blessing they were to me.


I would ALWAYS know why God entrusted me with His child.
Why He believed that of all the homes on Earth that ours was the best place to send this child.

I would NEVER feel inadequate or frustrated or scared.
I would ALWAYS know that I was doing the right thing.

I would NEVER cry because I felt like I was failing as a parent.
Or like I was not cut out for this job.
I would NEVER want to quit or question why I thought this was such a good idea.

And the one thing I know for SURE is that I would NEVER, EVER, EVER stop loving this child!

And that is the ONE thing that I was ABSOLUTELY, one-hundred percent right about!

Even BEFORE I ever really became a parent.

"I am a very patient, loving, understanding and calm mother... until my children get home from school."

"The greatest work you will ever do is within the walls of your own home."~Harold B. Lee

Who is This Teenager in My House and What Did You Do With My Child?

"Mother Nature is providential.  She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers."~William Galvin

 It seems to happen overnight.
The child who was sweet and loving and becoming responsible and capable and who was proud to call you his parent( because he thought you were the best and smartest parent ever) has transformed into someone else.

They are called teenagers.
These are some of their characteristics:

They do not hear as well as they used to. 
At least it seems that way when they are repeating back to you what you previously said.

Usually they are not able or willing to communicate in more than a few short sentences or sounds.
And if for some reason you did not quite hear what they had to say, you will miss out because it will not be repeated.
They become impatient with your inability to hear.


They no longer want you to show affection to them, especially in public places.
Things like hugs and a peck on the cheek-taboo.
Do not think of just blowing a kiss either.
Sweet is an inaccurate word to describe them on most days.

It is as if they have taken on some symptoms of old age.
They forget.
They no longer remember the house rules.
They forget they do not and never have had a live-in maid.
They forget where the kitchen sink and laundry room are.
They forget your phone number- so they are not able to keep you updated with their schedule.
They forget when to come home.
They forget how to get home.
They forget they have parents.
(Unless they need something from you.  Like money.)

They become unreasonably irritable.
They become unreasonable period.
They have short tempers.
And they can be demanding.
Especially when you are so slow or so deaf or have the most embarrassing wardrobe.

They have become amazingly intelligent almost overnight!
You no longer have any sense or wisdom about you.
You do not know anything.
And you for sure 'you just don't understand' or 'get it'.

How could you?
Being as old as you are and all?
You are sometimes even so stupid.
They wonder how this happened to you overnight.


And they question your love. 
How could you love them and do the things you do?
And you wonder the same thing back.


And you feel unloved and unappreciated and unheard and misunderstood.
And you do not understand how they cannot see and feel the deep love you have for them.
Why can't they understand that it is because you love them and are concerned for them that you have become these' overnight crazy people'?


And then you remember when you brought this child into your life.
And you remember the love you felt when you first saw them.
And how you made a promise that you would love them and keep them safe from harm.
And as you remember, you are reminded how you got here.


And you realize you could never have known the depth of the feelings and emotions that would come with being a parent of a child.
And you are beside yourselves.
And you shed many tears and spend a lot more time on your knees asking for guidance.


And although you are often confused,
and you often feel lost and inadequate,
you hold on and continue to try your best not knowing sometimes what that even is.
And you often feel like it is anything but your best.

But the love that you never could have imagined,
is the very love that keeps you loving and trying, despite the questionable evidence that you are not making much progress.

And recalling that love is what sustains and encourages you to nurture those untamable teens into becoming wonderful adults.

And you can see past the anger and the tears and the uncertainty and see that child, your child, looking back at you from within their teenage body.
And you are reminded of what you are doing and why.
And at that moment your love and heart stretches beyond your human capacity and you begin the journey into sainthood.




And it is that hope and that love that pulls you through this phase of life.

"Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity."~Neal A. Maxwell

"Adolescence is a period of rapid changes.  Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent ages as much as 20 years."~Author Unknown