May 31, 2010

I Miss My Daughter

Can I get that personal?
Saying I miss my daughter?

Heck!, you're saying, "You've spilled your guts about everything else.  Why stop now?"

She is in Chile visiting a friend who is studying abroad.

It is wonderful that she has the opportunity and the means to go.
(All those hours working while going to school have paid off!)

I am excited and happy for her!

But I still miss her.

She has some lessons about life to contemplate and mull over and I am hoping this will be a retreat of sorts for her.
Providing the environment for pondering and introspection.
May she take advantage of it.

What better place to do it than in a totally foreign country?
A beautiful place I am told by her texts.
Aahh, modern technology....

It can often be painful to watch your children being stretched emotionally and mentally and socially as they are growing.

It is one of those things that you know need to happen and you want to happen but wish it could be done in book-form.

As the full moon has brightened the dark, I am moved by the Creator that the same moon I am being blessed by here is the same moon that she sees a continent away.

Amazing!  Just amazing!

She doesn't know it, (because part of her still thinks I'm a dork sometimes), but I feel as if I can send a hug to her soooo faaarr away through the moon.

That as I talk to the moon it can send my message and my love to her.
(The moon hasn't confirmed any of this.)

To my little girl out there in such a big universe.

Even though she is in college the world dwarfs her with it's magnitude. 

I tell the moon to keep her under its watchful eye, to make sure she is safe.

To light her way both on the path and into her heart.
To help her see the beauty within.

Perhaps someday we can experience it together as she suggested, but for now the need to travel this 'trip' alone has to be done solo.

"I soon realized that no journey carries one far unless, as it extends into the world around us, it goes an equal distance into the world within."~ Lillian Smith

May 30, 2010

Back In The Ball Game

I have been out in the 'field' working three jobs for awhile and haven't found or made time to blog.

One of my jobs just ended on Friday so I will have a little more time now.

I don't think I realized how therapeutic that blogging has been for me.

It caused me, on a regular basis, to ponder and either find something to be grateful for or to mourn and complain about.
The complaining part doesn't really need much contemplation.
That fact started to really worry me.

Although I haven't been blogging I have still had many life lessons show up with their bags ready to stay with me a day or two or twelve!

Maybe I will share some of them.

So I'm glad to announce that I am back in the game!
It's good to be back! 

May 25, 2010

Can I Get the 'Quick Fix' Please?

When we happen to be experiencing: 

Broken relationships,
Wayward children,
Family discord,
Major debt,
Body image issues,
Marital problems,
Health issues,
or Consequences from some of the above,
We want fast relief!

Wouldn't it be great if we could just drive up to the PAIN FREE EXPRESS
and order a 'Quick Fix'?
Saying something like, "I will take...
One, 'Make it ALL go away'.                                                               
One, 'Straighten THEM up'.
One 'MAKE ME healthy'.
One 'UNDO the past'                                                     
One 'MAKE THEM see the light'.                                                                                            
One 'STOP the pain'.
One 'CURE them'.
One 'REUNITE us'.
One 'RESTORE them to life'.
Even, one 'MAKE them  love me'.

"And can I get that Super Sized please?"
"To go?"

Don't believe it. 
There is not an actual 'drive-thru' for these sort of get-better-schemes.
There are no healthy, long lasting, painless 'quick fixes'.
But, there will be some options deceitfully promising relief.

These so called 'fixes' will appear on life's menu as:

material things,
or denying/running away- mentally or physically.

We will be disappointed in the end if we think these are real solutions.

Being the humans we are, we often dismiss the unhealthy nature of what is offered.
(See the similarities in the above lists)
We disregard the warning of the side effects.
(Be it addictions or broken relationships etc)
Either by ignoring it completely,
Focusing only on the benefits,
(Instant gratification) 
Or exempting 'us' completely from any possible risks.
(It won't happen to me)

We willing ignore the 'cautions' in lieu of immediate pain relief.
Only to find out that our choice has compounded the need for another 'Quick Fix' in the future.

Some things in life, like healing, (either from self-inflicted choices or ones imposed upon us), just take time and work.
Sometimes a lot of time and work!

To think of it taking time, of not being quickly removed,
is enough to do some of us in.
At least it feels that way.
And 'how can I work on it we ask?'
When I can barely get through each day?

We may have heard that God does not give us more than we can handle.
That is true.
But it often feels like that cannot possibly be true.
What we may not understand is that it means with His help.
He will not give us more than we can handle with His help.

It is when we try to do it alone that we feel alone.

When symptoms of discomfort continue, or pain increases we are directed to call the physician.
We are promised help and comfort to aid us.
Known as The Physician,

One of the numbers He can be reached at is, Matthew 7:7-8 with the message, "Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened."

We are promised relief for the asking,
But all these things-to ask, seek and knock- take action on our part.
We have to put it in motion.

The 'Quick Fix' comes in immediately being able to ask for help.

The solution comes in accepting and following the help offered.

"Decisions based on behaviors that don't necessarily make life easier are the ones that most ennoble us."~Dr. Laura Schelessinger

May 19, 2010

It Is Good To Be Alive!

"In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular."~Kathy Norris

 I do not have any special reason for feeling this way today except that sometimes I take things for granted- like life!

"We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude."~Cynthia Ozick

May 17, 2010

The Fast is Over

Welcome Back!

About the media fast-

We were counseled at church to try to fast for one week from
media unless it was absolutely necessary to use it.
The purpose as I understood it was to spend more time 
with the ones we love, read more wholesome, uplifting words, 
communicate more with loved ones and have more 'quiet' moments to 'spiritually' hear.

How my week worked out-

It just so happened I had an extremely busy week so I do not think I would have used the 
media much anyway but I did notice a difference.

I learned that although I did not watch much news (I had company and they were not doing the fast), the world still went on without me!

I went to bed earlier because 'just checking something' on the internet did not turn into three hours later!

I had more time to get ready for work in the morning because I did not have to 'stay tuned' for the next news story.

I realize I use more 'background noise' than I thought.

I missed 'writing' in here.

I had more time to 'contemplate' and to 'hear' ideas and feelings.  Something that was really important and vital to me this past week.

Most of all that it was a good exercise that I would do again.

"And it came to pass when they heard the voice, and beheld that it was not a voice of thunder, neither was it a voice of a great tumultuous noise, but behold, it was a still voice of perfect mildness, as if it had been a whisper, and it did pierce even to the very soul-" ~Helaman 5:30


May 9, 2010

Media Fast

I will be participating in a Media fast starting tonight until next Sunday evening.

So I will not be posting during this time.

I hope I will be filled with wonderful, thought provoking, touching, teachable thoughts and stories to blog about when I start up again.

See you then!

P.S. Please do not forget to come back?!

May 6, 2010

Today Is My Lucky Day!

This is what a little girl said to me when I went over to do a nanny job at her house.

She told me it was her lucky day because I came.

Talk about being humbled.
Talk about touching my heart!
Talk about being taught by a child!

I learned:
Not to be afraid of expressing your feelings (even if you are not sure the other person feels the same way.)
That you can be enthusiastic over what may seem to some to be a very simple thing.
That it is fun to be enthusiastic.
That you can be enthusiastic by yourself!
That enthusiasm is infectious!

That you can find the positive in almost anything.
That gratitude is something we often forget to have.
That gratitude can change a duty into a privilege.
That gratitude is infectious.
That gratitude is a virtue.
That at the end of the day I was the one who had a Lucky Day! 

"May we be found among those who give our thanks to our Heavenly Father.  If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues.  Despite the changes which come into our lives and with gratitude in our hearts, may we fill our days-as much as we can-with those things which matter most.  May we cherish those we hold dear and express our love to them in word and in deed."~Thomas S. Monson 



May 1, 2010

EAT(when), PRAY (where), and LOVE (how)?

Elizabeth Gilbert had some advantages I did not have.
(And still do not.)
 She traveled alone to foreign countries to learn her lessons.

I stayed home with a houseful of children.
Living with seven people in a house that wasn't even 950 square feet posed a problem
with even the basic of basics.
At least for me.

As I thought about these three 'simple' everyday occurrences, I became aware of how I had let others dictate my life.  I became cognizant of the fact that for the most part, it was not even my life at all.

The harsh truth though, was that I had given it away.
All in the name of love of course.

If I had started writing this blog 'back in the day' (yeah right-when?) I would not have been writing about the need to lose weight.
Eating a warm meal with all those children to manage was non-existent.
'Eating a meal' was just a phrase.
It meant whatever was left on 'their' plate.
Eating 'real food' was a luxury.
Perhaps this contributed to my sugar-addiction-diet.
(Like genealogy, you can always trace back and blame your problems on something or someone.)

Eat, when???! became my motto.
I made excuses for depriving myself or sometimes did not even think about it at all.
It just was.
By the end of the day I might realize I had not eaten anything of real sustenance.
It did not matter.
I was too tired to care.
"Oh well, I can always eat tomorrow," is what I told myself.
(That no longer happens.)
(Or I wouldn't be blogging about my weight! Now would I?)


Prayer is spiritual food.
If I did not find time to get physically fed, how and where could I go to get spiritually fed?
And where was I going to find a quiet place to pray?
I know that a prayer can be offered any place and at any time but some prayers need privacy.

The words I needed to speak were not things that could, or even would have been appropriate to voice when I was in the check-out line at the grocery store.
Besides, I was busy telling my children to stop touching everything next to the counter and explaining why Madonna was wearing what she wasn't.
My simple prayer at the time may have been, "Please do not let the cottage cheese munchkins find me in my bikini like they found (fill in the blank) on the front cover of the Enquirer."

As vital as prayer was to my ability (sane, rational ability) to be an effective mother I could not find a place where I could express the fears and burdens that were placed upon my shoulders.

Looking back I probably did not want to.
I may have purposely been avoiding it.
(That was before I could afford Denial.)

I may have known that I would be opening up a swollen heart that would have bled with disappointment and pain uncontrollably.
I may have bled to death.

My heart and fears would eventually catch up to me.
It would only be a matter of time.
I could not outrun myself.
Life has a way of catching us.
I did not end up having the endurance that God has in my life.
He always shows up at the finish line.
I have since made up for all the prayers (or most of them) that I never found a place to express at that time.
I am just sorry  that it took hindsight to see and now know that making a place to pray would have benefited all of us.
Ten fold.


Love.  Aah, love.
It should be one of those natural emotions right?
I would have defended that point back in high school.
(Especially if it would have gotten me out of class.)
But I have since changed my tune.

Well, let me back track.
I do believe we can sense love and feel it in our spirit when we genuinely experience it,
But I do not think that showing it comes naturally to all of us.
At least it hasn't for me.
That realization has brought some tremendously somber days.
Love has to be learned.
I have to learn.
If I have not seen love expressed, or only saw it in a way that went under the guise of 'love' but wasn't , it is hard to know what love really looks and feels like.

This is the one area I am still actively working on.
(Not that my diet and prayers are superb but I at least know what to do now.)

It is a very hard thing for me to admit.
This void in my life.
I am a loving person.
But I came to know that feeling love and showing love are not the same thing.

I mean, I did the best I knew how.
I thought love meant sacrifice so I became a masochist.
I thought it meant protecting others from harm so I controlled all that I could (or couldn't.)
Often smothering those around me.
I thought it meant putting others first, so I just deleted myself off the list.

I have so much love in my heart.
But sometimes, especially with those closest to me, it gets stuck in there.
I am now working on ways to make a doorway for it to come out.
There are brick walls two or three layers deep in some places.
That is a lot of demolition.
And then remodeling.

I do believe if I died that my children would say that they knew I loved them, but I don't want to wait until then.
I want them to experience it now, while I am here.
Not in retrospect.

It is frustrating and can be discouraging to not be able to share the strongest emotion I feel with those who are the dearest to me.
I am learning though.
I like that.
I like that even though perhaps half of my life has passed, I can still learn and grow.
I just feel a little old at times to still be having growing pains!
I look forward to the day and can not wait for the time when all that I feel in my heart will be represented and manifested in my outward expressions of love!

"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another."~ John 13:34

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