HOLD ON....If I Could Say Anything It Would Be..HOLD ON

I hope what I am about to say comes off with love and empathy and in NO WAY sounds judgmental as that is the last thing I would want to do.

There have been many times in my life where I have struggled...."just to get through" sometimes each minute......this one (my divorce) was probably one of the most difficult of all....

If I would be able to say anything to others who struggle, it would be to say, Hold On....try to hold on,... and if you have to, hold on to something or someone else positive, until you are able to find hope again.........it was during this time, I learned the difference between sadness vs hopelessness.....I could never have done it on my own......

Although, I would have eliminated that experience if I could have at the time,...that trial literally has been the start of a positive new life course I am grateful Beyond Words to be on today.

http://theunexpectedlife2010.blogspot.com/2010/03/series-1-i-didnt-expect-to-be-divorced.html

Blindsided By Twenty Dollars

After I got divorced as with many people, I financially struggled.

One day as I was robotically going through the bills and advertisements that filled my homemade mailbox I came across a small hand addressed envelope with no return address.
Inside was a twenty dollar bill and nothing else.

Every month for over a year maybe close to two, I would receive this "letter" written in different handwriting each time.

I was curious as to who was sending it and anxious to thank whomever brightened my day and was making my life a little easier. 

When your means are meager, twenty dollars can pay a utility bill, buy food for two weeks, fill a gas tank with enough to get you through the week or buy a birthday gift for one of your children.  I am not sure if the sender realized any of this but oh, how I wanted to tell them!


It would be years until I would find out who had so immensely blessed my family's lives.

It was an elderly man who went to church with me and whom I had known for years while I was married.  He had watched me grow spiritually over the years and then witness my struggle as I would fall apart emotionally after my divorce.

After he became ill and only had a short time of life left, his wife shared his story with me.


Being a veteran of the Navy and combat and a survivor of the depression all he knew how to do was to work hard.

He had taken a part-time job at a copy store weeding the properties' yard.  This was a challenge for him because you see, he was legally blind.  He used a cane to maneuver his way around.  How he did it I don't know.


He was paid twenty dollars and each month he sent that to me.  
He would ask different people to address the envelope so that I could never quite figure out who it was.  
The money was touching to me but when I heard the story and all the sacrifice it took to get that to me each month, I cherished it even more.


I was never able to thank him personally because that was one of the conditions of being told.
But I offered thanks in prayers.  And I'm hoping that maybe in sharing it, it will inspire others (including myself!) to consider a small yet selfless act.


He taught me that giving does not have to be such a generous contribution that it makes the "platinum club".
What matters is that we do something .
What matters is how we give.
And that we give.
Something of ourselves to those who could use a hand.

He taught me that it is hard to find an excuse that would be excuse enough.
He had every reason to say it was too difficult.
He taught me that where there is a will there is a way.
He taught me that charity is the greatest gift of all.


"But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth  forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him."  Moroni 7:47

A Thanksgiving Past

"We can always find something to be thankful for, and there may be reasons why we ought to be thankful for even those dispensations which appear dark and frowning".  ~Albert Barnes

Sometimes time makes me forget.

Many years ago I had the worst Thanksgiving of my life.

I was newly divorced and my children were taken by their father, out of town, to visit his family.

My youngest son did not want to go without me and was hiding behind the clean clothes hanging in the laundry room screaming as his dad pulled him out to take him.

I cannot explain the difficulty or pain that we were all feeling (including his four siblings) on different levels that day.  (It was over a dozen years ago and yet still brings tears to my eyes as I type the words.)

When they arrived at their destination he called me and asked, "When are you coming?"
(That was before cell phones and I didn't get one until years after they came out anyway).

I just had to reassure him with an artificial, positive voice,  through a silent, crying heart, with tears running down my cheeks, that I would see them as soon as they got back and remind him how much I loved him.


I then hung up the phone, climbed into bed, didn't shower or even get out of my pajamas (although it was mid-day), and cried and cried and cried.
And probably screamed too.

I stayed that way for a couple of days with no shortage of heartache or tears.

I wanted to know the answer to Freddy Fender's questioning song, "How do you mend a broken heart?"


Somehow it came.


Slowly at first I'm sure.


It started with the realization that I would have missed having a Thanksgiving dinner.

Although I was in a major dysfunctional state to put it mildly, and declined every request from loving people to join them for dinner, thinking that food was the last thing I felt like, I would soon come to find that I was wrong.


Loving people brought food to me even though I had said not to.  (This is making me teary-eyed also.)
They just dropped it off as I was an emotional eye-sore in the condition I was in.

I could not tell you all who did, but I can tell you it made a difference in how I felt about Thanksgiving from there on out.

I honestly can't say that the food was great because I don't remember whether it was or not, and maybe it didn't even taste good with my numb heart taste buds.
What I can tell you is that I felt loved and hugged by a plate(s) of food.

Something I so desperately needed during that time.
(A side note:  if you know of someone in a similar situation-drop a plate by.  Don't expect a visit, unless invited, but the gesture is unexplainable and long lasting.)


I knew it was going to be that way from there on out, so I decided to accept and change my mind about how I was going to deal with it.
(Remember, I had a whole year until the next time and it never did quit hurting completely.)


First, was in counting my blessings.
My children would always be with me on Christmas so Thanksgiving was an easier sacrifice.

Second, I didn't have to clean, cook, spend money or 'play nice' for any people I was uncomfortable with.

Third, I wanted to find a way to "be there" with them so I devised a plan.
I am infamous in my family for my dinner rolls, so every year following, I would make some and send them with them.
It was a pretty magical experience as I felt a tremendous amount of love while making something I had done numerous times before. 
Knowing where they were going and what they represented changed directions of a "simple act".


(This year I sent some unbeknownst to my son who will not be home with family for the first Thanksgiving in his life.)

Fourth, I had a chance to work uninterrupted on a project and usually completed it.

Fifth, I had a lot to be thankful for and good friends were one of those things.
I had some good friends who invited me over with other "strays"as I called us, even though complete families went also.
So for the next decade I went to their house, taking my rolls of course, learning that family are people who love and accept you even though you have never met them before and may never see them again.
(I am a little a lot embarrassed to admit that when their father quit taking them, it took some adjusting on my part to do a "family" dinner again.)


Sixth, is that love has no boundaries and transcends all.  No matter where my family was and is my love is the same.


Seventh, that healing is possible.  I am a living testimony of that.  Someone, who at one point had no desire to live.


And finally, that Thanksgiving should be given every day as I am blessed with God's tender mercies EVERY SINGLE DAY!

Thanksgiving Day comes, by statute, once a year; to the honest man it comes as frequently as the heart of gratitude will allow.  ~Edward Sandford Martin
  
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.  It turns what we have into enough, and more.  It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity.  It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.  Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow."  ~Melody Beattie

Keep The Change

As a society, 
I do not think that we are a people who wait in line to buy tickets to the premiere movie "Change".

I am not a big fan myself.

I like to stick to the old habits,
that like burrs,
are stuck in my mind and behaviors.

But something has been happening with me.
It has been subtle yet progressive.


I have been making changes in my life.
Both on how I treat myself,
And how I allow others to treat me.


This movement originated around the time of my divorce.

What started as protecting myself from abuse,
has now become
being aware of simple discomforts I feel,
And voicing my boundaries if I am feeling vulnerable.


The bad news is, is that not everyone is on board with me.
Some people want me to "Keep the change" so to speak.


I have upset these people.
Even though they are dear to me.
When I said, "This is what I can and can not do",
it was not received very well.


This has saddened me as it affected a relationship of many years.
Yet, I do not have regret for honoring my needs.
Just that a friendship was altered because I did.

Oh, I still want to go back to the old Reyna,
Who when confronted with opposition
would convince myself it either was not that important,
or that I was just being too sensitive, etc.


But I try now to be my best advocate.

That, I have found can be a lonely place.
But, as lonely as it is,
it does not compare to the loneliness I used to feel
when I abandoned myself along the roadside,
all in the name of compliance and neglect.

It is possible that over time,
I will be able to shield myself without having to say anything.
But for now, this is where I am at,
and although it secludes me,
I like the company I am with! 

"If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies."  ~Author Unknown

"If you want to make enemies, try to change something."  ~Woodrow Wilson

 

What Am I An Expert In?

"Your soul is all that you possess.  Take it in hand and make something of it!"~ Martin H. Fischer

 I was asked to define myself in a specific area.
To target what I am an expert in.
Be it divorce, parenting, single-parenting, teaching children, addiction, budgeting, refinishing furniture, computer illiteracy etc.

The problem is, is that I am not an expert on any of these things although I have had more experience in some areas than in others.
Mostly I am expert at what NOT to do.   (In all of the above areas!)

After some thought I have decided I am an expert after all.

*I am an expert at finding lessons in what life keeps presenting me.
*At growing (weight blog?!) and learning how to improve myself as a person.
*At getting up and trying again (even when I didn't feel there was any hope.)
*At trying to find something positive when the situation looks pessimistic.
*AND at having love in my heart despite all the unlovable things that have happened to me. 


BUT MOSTLY I AM AN EXPERT AT BEING ME !!!

"The finest thing in the world is knowing how to belong to oneself."~ Michel de Montaigne

SERIES - #1 I Didn't Expect: To Be Divorced

I have dragged my feet and my mouse on starting the 'I Didn't Expect to' series.  I am still 'a work in progress'  having a hard time letting go of my black and white, all-or-nothing thinking.   As a result of that thinking I wanted to capture everything that is pertinent to each topic before posting it.  I now know that is impossible.  I realize that all of my posts have part of at least one, of my 'unexpecteds' in them somewhere.  Because of that there may be repeated lessons.  Not so unlike life huh?  I am sure as long as I blog that is how it will be.   So I will write the series the best I can from where I am at right now.   I know you are probably saying, "Alright already.  Just start!"  Well here it goes! 

"Divorce: The past tense of marriage."~Author Unknown

 

#1.   I Didn't Expect To Be Divorced 


As I stood at the counter and waited numbingly, all I could hear was the sound of the stamp being brought down hard, paper after paper.
I was in the court house filing for divorce.
I hated the sound of that stamp.
I wanted it to stop.
It sounded like the cell doors in a prison being slammed shut.
Door after door after door.
Oh, how I wanted it to stop!
And right then I knew that there was some symbolism to what I was hearing and feeling.
I was about to start my life sentence.

I felt a devastating heart ache overcome me.
I had now become a statistic.
I was now going to be divorced.

How did this happen? 

I never expected to get divorced.
Who does?
Although some plan for it, most of us do not get married just to get divorced.


I was not prepared for what was to come my way.
I had no idea of the pain and the fear and the frustration and the emptiness that would follow.

I did not want to divorce.
I did not want to secede.
But I had run out of options.


Denial was not a vacation spot for me, it had become my home.
My home of many years.
But I could no longer stay there.
I could no longer pretend.
The pain of not looking at what was and staying married had become greater than the pain of looking and getting a divorce.
I would have to be willing to let go of what I knew and step into the unknown.
So I roboted forward going through the procedures needed to make it final.

You can not be prepared for divorce anymore than you can for death or for having a baby.
Sure millions of people have done it before but no one has your unique situation, therefore no one can tell you exactly how it will be for you.
You can never brace yourself for what lies ahead.

Sometimes I was absolutely sure that I was crazy.
One minute I would be watching a movie,
wishing he was there beside me,
and five minutes later, had he been walking behind my car,
I would have wanted to put it in reverse and push the gas.
How insane is that?

The emotions went up and down like a skateboarder on a half-pipe.
And then sometimes when I thought I was starting to get my footing,  just like a skater, I would crash.
Again!
What was happening to me?
Is this what divorce was like?


Finalizing was a slow process for me.
Not because of contesting or litigation but because I kept hoping my knight in shining armor would come to my rescue. 
That is how it is in my favorite movies.
So I postponed, waiting.
But he never showed up.
He never stopped it.
He never protested.
He never came to save me.
What happened to the, 'And they lived happily ever after?'

My Visa had finally expired.
I got kicked off of Denial and was forced to come home.
Back to the U.S.
Back to the court house again.
This time to hear the words, "Your divorce is final."

My life felt final.
I hated the nights, going to bed alone.
But I hated the mornings even more.
I hated waking up to the truth that it was not just a bad dream.
It was my life.
My life I had not signed up for.
It was happening without my permission and I had no choice but to go along.
Getting dragged along.

I hated that I had no control.
I would hear a song, smell his cologne, see a car similar to his, hear his name, taste his favorite food and I would bawl.
I could not stop the tears no matter how hard I tried.
No matter where I was.
No matter who was around.


Although I still did my motherly duties to the least of my ability,
I often spent most of the day in bed.
Surviving.
From day to day.

My poor children.
I do not know all the effects that time of my oblivion had on them.
I was not a mother, I was a hollow shell functioning as a zombie.
It was all I could do at the time.


I could not even say the 'D' word.
I could not write it in my journal.
I would go around my house practicing, "I am not married."  " I am single."  " I do not have a husband."
I was afraid I would fall apart if anyone were to ask my marital status so I practiced.
And I fell apart anyway.

I felt like I should be saying,"I am a failure."
Because that is how I saw myself.

I cried so hard and so much.
At the bank, over the phone with the utility company, at my children's school- anywhere I had to make changes because of the 'D', I cried.

The touching, sad thing is that so many people understood.
Because they had been there themselves or knew of someone who had.
They were so patient with my blubbering self. 

The divorce brought new awareness's to me.
Things I either had never wanted to see before or was not aware of.
With this new awareness came suitcases full of my past.
There seemed to be baggage show up on my doorstep daily.
It was as if a new roommate was moving in every single day.
For months.
People who were not welcome.
Memories I had sent away but that had returned.
I was running out of room, both in my heart and in my head for all the visitors.
The desperation for reprieve from the overwhelming weight of it all caused me to search for answers that would free me.
Thus another unexpected in my life.(#18)

I was asked, "Is it a good thing or a bad thing?"
I replied, "It is a sad thing but a healthy thing."
It felt as if part of me was dying, and it was.
It was the part that had kept me from growing.
It needed to die.
Only I did not know it.
I did not want it.
I did not want to grow right then.
I wanted to die too.
So many unexpecteds. (#10)

I believe I survived because of prayer and a loving Father.
Others prayed for me when there was nothing left within me to plea.
Not even silently.
Thank God for loving, compassionate friends and family.
Unexpected friends and loved ones.(#13)


It was during this time that I learned of a love greater than any other.
It was a time that would forever change my life.
It was a testimony I could not have gained any other way.

It was the beginning of climbing, crawling, dragging myself out of the darkest abyss I had ever been in.
It was the beginning of allowing others to help me.
Something I was not so good at.
It was the beginning of change.
Healthy, much needed change.
Unexpected change.(#16)


It was the beginning of the most unexpected life I had had thus far.
It was the beginning of really living.
It was the beginning of me....
Someone I had never expected to meet.(#20)

"If every husband and every wife would constantly do whatever might be possible to ensure the comfort and happiness of his or her companion, there would be very little, if any divorce.  Argument would never be heard.  Accusations would never be leveled.  Angry explosions would not occur.  Rather, love and concern would replace abuse and meanness."~Gordon B. Hinckley

 

   

The Black Buff - Part 1 Is Back

I had originally posted the Black Buff on Feb 7 but removed it on Feb 9.  It is now re-posted.

Black Buff is a disease that turns the area black. 
It has to be cut out.
Then it has to be stitched up.
Then you are all better. 

 This disease affects stuffed animals.  I learned about it from a child whose elephant had it.

I was informed that it's very serious and can spread if it isn't taken care of.

Can humans contract it?  Yes.

I wonder what it would be called.  Anger maybe or resentment ?  Fear or guilt perhaps?  Pain?  Frustration?

I have seen it in humans only it isn't as clearly visible as it is on Stuffy the elephant.
At least not at first.
It does continue to spread to other areas in their lives if it isn't treated though.

Mostly it affects peoples' heart. 
Although you can't see it as a black spot from the outside, it starts to become who they are.
And that is evident.

Actually I got an advanced case of Black Buff after my divorce.

I thought it was in remission as I'd posted the positive quotes, said I'd forgiven him, (because that's the right thing to do) and I spent a lot of time on vacation in Denial.  I believed I was recovering.

I was sure that I at least had it confined to just my ex.
But one day I noticed that I was angry at the other drivers on the road who were obediently going the speed limit and at the inept cashier who was so slow and that my heart was cynical towards the whole stupid world.
I had the Buff!  And a bad case of it!

At that moment I realized that all that anger, pain,  rejection, fear, frustration, and tremendous guilt that I felt because of and towards my ex was now also aimed at the world.

It was no longer just what I felt but had become who I was.  

It's a crucial procedure to cut the Buff out while still living your life.
Sometimes the heart just wants to cocoon itself and stop feeling.
When that happens it prolongs the healing and sometimes makes it almost impossible to recover.
I was vacationing at that shut down spot Denial, and I was seriously thinking about staying there permanently.


When it gets to that point it takes a miracle to heal.
I've never seen someone have that change in their heart, the Black Buff removed completely, without a miracle. 

I was granted that change upon request.

Actually, it was more like a desperate plea.

"God brings men into deep waters, not to drown them, but to cleanse them."~John Aughey

To be continued....