July 23, 2010

Our Time Together

I was doing fine.
Well, holding up pretty good, until my son (who is moving away) asked me if there was anything I wanted to do with him before he leaves.

I was thinking: Yeah, I'd like to help you find a job here,
Unpack your belongings,
Change you back to an infant so you have to stay,
Try to brainwash you,
Make you into a mamas boy,
Once again, try those manipulation tricks I tried your whole life that never worked before,
Or use wisely the time I have left to share with you.

I tried to answer him but had to hide my face in the kitchen so he wouldn't see the tears starting to roll down my face.
(He would not have wanted to make me cry.)

I watched him from behind the wall, as he lay on the couch with his eyes closed waiting for me to come up with an idea.
He was getting blurry.
I tried to make myself see him as the 23 yr old young man that he is, but I kept seeing a determined and yet vulnerable 4 year old little boy making sure I was watching him from the sidelines with a big smile on his face, sure that I was still there,
I saw the 10 yr old who was so heartbroken by the divorce,
The 12 yr old who wanted to Big-Time wrestle me or challenge me in a game of basketball,
I saw the high school athlete of volleyball, baseball and football,
I saw my college son who would get me tickets to the University football games where he played.
But I could not focus on a son whom I would not see almost daily anymore.

My thoughts started changing to ,"How dare you grow up?
How dare you for imprinting your soul on my heart forever and ever?
How dare you for being such a loving son?
How dare you to not get me tickets to the games?!
But mostly, how dare you become the independent, confident young man I brought you up to be?

I ended up opting for the choice -'use wisely the time I have left to share with you'.

I was trying to think of a place where I could cry the whole time and no one would notice.
Maybe a chick flick that gets all fairy-tale-happy-ever-after-in-the-end movie.
Not for him.

Weight lifting?
Umm, not for me.

So we settled on bowling.

Oh, what fun!
None of us are big or maybe I should say experienced bowlers but we had a blast!
At least I did.
When I accidentally (while purposefully trying,) got a strike, I squealed and clapped for myself.
He, acting like the a parent of a noisy child in church, tried to quiet me down.
It was payback time...
I just ignored him and clapped some more!
(Or course looking at him from the corner of my eye while continuing to do it.)
He ended up with the high score.

And for that space in time, I forgot what inevitably is coming and I just enjoyed that moment.
(Something I am learning to do more of in my life.)
And a memory was created for the album in my heart.

"The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected."~Nicholas Sparks

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