May 16, 2014
The S.A.M.Story Part XV
The music automatically started playing as she drove away. This time the familiar tunes would do the reverse, as she yearned to be there, with him, and unlike her original journey it would lengthen her drive back to her home knowing each mile was taking her away from him, doubling the distance. The same songs that had made her excitingly anticipatory now made her nostalgic, weighing heavy on her heart; making more want for the love sung about in the melodic words.
Leaving the country road and approaching the highway her phone beeped notifying of a message. She laughed through her tear filled eyes and couldn't wait to see what he already had to say as she had barely left! It was SO like him to know just the perfect thing she needed! Pulling over she scrolled down. She was surprised to see several messages but not from him as she had thought. Not realizing the poor service at his house, incoming calls and messages that had been delayed and intercepted had just then started coming through. Most of them were from friends and family but there was a number she didn't recognize. It was from her doctor.
To listen to the message she pressed one, but being more focused on the timing, as she asked herself, "What doctor calls on a Saturday?", she missed some of the words being spoken and had to replay it. All she clearly heard was MRI and tumor. She shouldn't have been surprised as all the prior symptoms had made it more likely than not. But she was. Maybe because she had tried to change the outcome by remaining positive and hopeful. In some ways she had used this trip to "Denial" as a place of escape-to forget; if only for 24 hrs. It had served its purpose!
She was now angry because the world, the life she had waited for, had just changed course. The puzzle pieces she had been collecting most of her life had almost been enough to accomplish her "dream"-having just gathered some of the most important remaining pieces from him. The doctor's discouraging words were as if someone had just pushed her almost-completed-1000-piece-puzzle off the table and onto the floor.
All the emotions that had been stored inside her heart came pouring out her chest in the way of sobs. She was crying, not only for the current words she had just heard, but for the unspoken ones she had kept inside and never shared, and for the imagined and desired ones of comfort, not yet uttered. She was crying because she felt so alone.
There had never been much dialogue around the topic of physical well being between them so they had implicitly chose not to open up that subject. Some things remained classified even defying S.A.M.s . Their health was something they had not actually "discussed", yet was honored between them as an almost sacred subject, kept in their personal vaults. Medical needs had only been brought up regarding their aging parents' health problems back when they first "met"-bonding them in an understanding way that only comes from empathetic sharing.
As close as she felt to him and as hopeful as she had "dreamed" of being with him, her doctor visits were a S.A.M. she had chosen at the time not to share. She like him, "pretended" that if you don't acknowledge something, then maybe it doesn't exist. But she knew, and it had affected her expectations. Answering her own, "What are you doing?!" question she knew she had been adamant about requiring commitment because she needed someone who was willing to 'stand the test of time' as they say. She knew what he didn't.
She had never wanted him to feel as if he "had" to stay with her and eventually marry her because she was ill, as he was so caring. From the beginning he had a compassionate heart and she wanted to make sure he was in this because he was committed to her, through love, and not staying only because he wouldn't desert her; out of sympathy.
It was one of the reasons why she had chosen to stay intimately, carnally detached- as she would otherwise evolve into an emotionally distorted woman; becoming clouded in appetite, prematurely advancing the relationship and forgoing the clarity needed for such a crucial decision.
It was also why falling for her "beauty" had to be much deeper than only outside appearance. Subconsciously her doctor appointments had solidified her need for commitment-for a ring- wanting someone 'in sickness and in health' and for eternity; as "till death do you part" had then become such a conceivable possibility. Only she had not wanted nor expected it to come like this. And not now. Would he understand now why what she 'wasn't wearing' mattered so much to her?
Already pining for him and feeling all alone she drove the lonely road, not knowing he was feeling it too. He had watched her drive away, and still sitting on his porch almost an hour later, he was reflecting on the most outstanding 24 hrs he had ever had, subsequently missing her immensely.
He, like her, wanted to physically escape the distressing moment they were emotionally experiencing , although it wasn't able to happen. Wanting to drown out the tough parts of life and the echoing words disclosing unwanted truths, they each turned up the music volume to unhealthy-to-eardrum decibels as their only other option. He on his porch and she in her car, separate yet together, simultaneously chose music as their anesthetic.