So That's It....

I have been very lax and sparse in my postings for the last 3 months.


I excused myself, saying that it was because I had taken on a second job (which is true-sometimes even  3), but myself just told me that it's more than that.


Once again I have let the fear of exposure (Oh Pleeeez....!) immobilize me.


Talking to Barb E. while laying on my Barbie couch (meaning that it is impossible to do-so I didn't really have a therapy session), I blurted out that I am worried that the people whose children I care for will read this and silently quit using my services.
  
They then will tweet about me Facebooking my weaknesses, telling the whole world.

 
  
Barb E. informed me that blogging IS a worldwide thing.


Oh.  O.K.

"Never reveal all of yourself to other people; hold back something in reserve so that people are never quite sure if they really know you."~Michael Korda

 

The Weight Is On

Just to clarify things, I am not proud of this.

Weight.

Back when I first posted about my shocking weight revelation I thought the scale was unbalanced.

But it has gotten worse.

You know how the needle on a broken scale goes around and around?
Well, there you have it!

How can that be?!
(Let me count the ways.)

I have vowed to do something about it because I have now moved my,
"I will never get to that weight" limit  several times!
In the bigger size direction!

I am trying to be realistic here.
So for starters I want to be honest about the facts.

#1  I cannot be sure that even if I make adjustments I will change the numbers on the scale.

#2  I can however control certain factors.


#3  I will eat a smaller portion of the serving I would regularly have.

#4  I will walk at least five days a week.


#5  I will drink water before I eat.


#6  I will only eat when I am hungry, not 'just because'.


#7  I will stop eating as soon as I feel full.  I will not stuff myself.

#8  I will find other ways to feed my emotional stress ors (stress ors are little whiny, needy people who beg to be fed sugary, fatty food, promising relief from life when a Denial trip is not an option.)


#9  I will only eat one big treat a day.


#10  I will look myself in the eye and remind myself that I am loveable and loved.


Doing these things will not guarantee weight loss results,
but they are things I can be proactive about.

I have been acting like the victim within my body, 
yet I am the one feeding her. 


I am now ready to take accountability and to face that fact.

P.S.  I just noticed that it was exactly a year ago this same month that my pounds were brought to my attention and started to weigh heavy on me.

I Spent The Night

I spent the night with the new guy in my life.

His dad was working out of town and his mom had to go help her mother at the Mayo clinic.


Oh my gosh!

I forgot how tired tired really is.
What it feels like to get sporadic sleep. 
And only a little at that.


How I have to "time" my shower.
Either having company join me or' listening' while rushing through, before he wakes up.
And how strategic, completing my make-up regimen can be.
(Remembering I only have mascara on one eye because I stopped to feed him...) 


(Rereading this up to this point, I see that it could be misunderstood to be a needy man I am posting about-but it's not, it's a baby!)  (Go back and try reading it that way :).


It is times and experiences like this that make me look back and wonder how I did it with 5 children.
Granted some things were sacrificed.
But I don't know how I didn't just find a horse or large dog and ride off into the sunset....

It makes me feel sorrow for the things I said to Reyna.
The unrealistic expectations I had of her, followed by reprimanding and guilt because they weren't met.
It makes me want to give her a hug and words of praise and encouragement for ALL that goes into parenting.
For how difficult and sometimes unrelenting it can be.


It is easy for me to look back now and have a new revised plan (until I am  personally put back in a similar situation.)
It is often tempting to beat myself up in the arrears for "things I should have done different".
This humble pie (of reliving it) balances my diet now and then as I realize the truths- that I did what I could at the time.


If there are mothers or fathers reading this who are feeling like "you aren't doing enough", STOP IT! (No, keep reading..)


You can never "parent enough" because what we want, is what is best for our children, and thus we require perfection -  from ourselves.
It will never happen.  (If you are perfect, this is not the blogspot place for you. No, you do not belong in the zoo. The circus is the place for you-Put Me In the Zoo.)

And besides that, even if by some miraculous chance you were born perfect,  FYI the world isn't.


Go easy parents.....You never fail as a parent as long as you keep trying and love your children!

Unexpected Things I've Learned Thursday

I am borrowing this post idea from Simone at Chocolate Covered Daydreams.  
(Doesn't her title just make you want to stop by?!  Take a look.)



1)  That although everyone can change, the percentage that permanently do is very small.


2)  Babies burp in their own due time and if you try to "rush" them it isn't pretty.


3)  Telling your cat that he is overweight has no meaning to him.  He just meows louder for 
food.


4)  God knew we needed springtime as much as we need hope.


5)  Usually those who depend on us most are not the ones telling us we need to take time for ourselves.


6)  Making up an address for the Al-Anon building is not a good idea to do while filling out a form at the jail.  (As the receptionist who insisted she needed it, promptly told us after she looked it up?!)



7)  The joy my dog gets from riding in the car, even for a short time, brings back memories of how easy it was to find happiness as a child.


8)  Birds don't care if you just washed your car.



9)  Unpopped popcorn kernels don't pop the second time around either. 


10)  When you find yourself giving "the sales pitch" about why you are a worthwhile person  you have already lost the sale. 




*

There's A New Male In My Life

I have been preoccupied and have not had a new entry for awhile.

I have met someone.

He has blue eyes and reddish/blond color hair.

He is very sweet and not much of a talker.

His name is Peter. 


I spend time with him almost every day.

He is younger than I am.

Much younger!

Because he is just a little over 6 weeks old.

I have taken a second job as Peter's nanny.


I just love him!


I am adjusting to the new commitment of time and will hopefully be back here on a more regular (if there is such a thing in my life) schedule.


See you soon!

"The world is as many times new as there are children in our lives."  ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com

Day In And Day Out

(I found this in a September archive of drafts.  I have no idea why I did not just post it then as it appeared to be complete.  So I am sharing it now.)

Does that ever happen to you?

Where you feel like your life is just going through monotonous motions?

I am not referring to the Zombie phase.

The one where you are not able to function.

Like after my divorce,

Or when I was struggling with overcoming abuse.

But the one where it is just another day in,
and another day out.

With no momentous happenings?

I am talking about those days that pop up once in awhile.
The ones where I feel like I am starring in Groundhog Day.
Where I am repeating the actions of my days.
With no subsequent changes, no subsequent growth.
And yet I continue doing the same thing.


Well, I had one of those a few days ago.

It made me ponder what I was doing in my life.

What I was doing with my life.

To ask myself if there was a better way.

I think so.
I know so.


On one hand I should be relieved.
I have no pressing emergencies,
No crisis'.

But I also am not experiencing a lot of excitement either.


Just a typical day on the ranch,
(well, except that I live in the heart of the city.)


On the other hand, precisely for that reason, ( that life is mellow) I can be proactive.

What am I doing to make the best of my days?
To make the best of my life?


Do I ask myself, "Why has the Lord brought me here today?" as Sheri Dew suggests.

And then do I look for ways to build up the people within my perimeters of influence?

She suggests five thoughts about our impact, our ability to influence:

1.  We have more influence than we think.

2.  Righteous influence is a spiritual gift.

3.  Influence is not about elevating self, but lifting others.

4.  It is not possible Not to have influence.

5.  Our influence has no limit and no end. 

After pondering these ideas, I feel a sense of obligation.
A responsibility for my influence on others.
A need for optimism.
(Since I have been known to be a candidate for the pessimist-poster-child.)

If good starts with me, it will spread outward.

Like Phil in the movie, I will endeavor to change my life a little each day.
So that in the end, those around me will be better people,
And I will be too.


If I am blessed with a day coming in,
then it is only fair that I will bless a life going out.


“We cannot escape the influence our lives have upon the lives of others.”~ Thomas S. Monson

 

A Thriving Survivor

After the holidays, I found a plant on a clearance shelf striving to find some much needed light to survive.

Here is her story.

How could I help?
The only real green thumb I have is when it accidentally gets spray painted while I am working on a project.

But as I wrote, I loved the symbolism it held for me so I carefully read and followed the directions hoping with care, my plant would get a second life.

It has!

I moved her to a different location with more light to encourage growth, and grow she did.

I do not know if she will flower again and if so, what I will get.
Especially after reading this in the directions:


Amaryllis bulbs that have been forced, may be forced again the following year or transplanted into the garden.  The flowers however, may be smaller with fewer blooms.

We are technically in the same year (I think).
And I am not sure what "forced" means in this sense.
I anxiously await to see whether she will bloom or not.

Truthfully, of course I hope she blooms!
But if she doesn't that is o.k. with me too, because she is alive.
And that is what my goal was when I saw her forcing her head out of the packaging.

Again, I think of my own life.

In some ways I too had a "forced" life.
And I have also been transplanted a few times.

I believe that some of my blooms may be smaller because of this.
And yet I continue to bloom.
It may not be accurate to say, since I am the one judging myself,
But my blossoms seem to be increasing in size.
At least that is what it feels like inside.


I believe in the end, it is how we feel inside.
Are we alive and growing?
Are we trying to bring forth our best blossoms?
Are we reaching for the Light and then using it for our best good?

We are all sent here to reach for our highest potential.
If we are not reaching it, per chance it is time for us to find an environment which encourages that?


HAPPY GROWING!!


Please share your growing tips with us.
Thank you.

BEFORE                                                                                AFTER

                                                                                                        

 ''She saw every ending as a new beginning. Celebrate her resiliency."~Kobi Yamada