Today I found out my father died.
It was through someone I don't even really know.
It was thoughtful of her to take time to look me up (thank goodness for social media) and let me know.
Probably for most people this would be an extremely sad day.
For me, I am sad.
But it is a different sadness.
I am sad that my father died and I did not know him,
I did not develop a relationship with him to miss; so I am not sad in the way a daughter would be.
I am not angry at all either, as I have had my lifetime to accept this fact.
I am just sad that I "should" be sad at this time yet I never had a father to grow to love and therefore mourn.
But mostly I am sad for him.
So once again I say to all you active fathers in your children's lives.
Keep up the good work! You are a blessing to the world!!
And for generations to come!!
"You will find that if you really try to be a father, your child will meet you halfway." ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com
October 13, 2013
September 29, 2013
Don't Process With The Lid Off
Have you ever inadvertently turned on the blender or food processor without the lid on?
Yep, you know what happens-stuff flies everywhere!
And it's a mess to clean up!
Well, I have found that I have that ability to have that same effect on people and situations.
If I have started the "sorting" process with all the ingredients of what is upsetting me,
and added an assortment of pent up emotional spices ,
mixed with liquid tears,
and maybe an addition of optional frustration and fear,
and do not put the lid on first,
before I push pulse,
I. Make. A. Huge. Mess!
At least one that I am ashamed to claim came from my kitchen of personal recipes.
With processing, just like with baking, if I try to rush things because I am impatient
or I try to "adjust the recipe" to how I am used to, usually doing it to please another,
I am headed for failure in some form or another.
This happened to me a few months ago.
Something had shown up unexpectedly in my life that threw my emotions and logical thinking for a loop (well, more like a tangle).
It needed my full attention and I had more processing to go through than a Lunch-able does.
The trouble happened when I involved others before I had a full understanding of what had upset me and what I needed to do to work through the pain.
Because I was not even clear myself what I was going through, I could not very effectively communicate to those around me where I was at or what I felt and needed.
Let's just say "Cinderellaaaa" was playing softly in the background as I scrubbed the floor on my knees cleaning up my mess.
(Now I will never get to the ball...)
"Working through" may have meant writing through it,
going on a "talk/walk",
talking it through with a trusted confidant,
or seeing a professional,
or a combination of them all depending on the difficulty of the "recipe",
(BEFORE I tried talking to whom I really needed to.)
When that is done in order, and the temperature (emotionally calm),
and timing (when people aren't rushed or stressed)
are correctly in place then we can take off the lid and dole out and serve what we prepared for the betterment of ourselves and those around us.
We can then share what upset us, what we need, and how we will change what needs changing if anything does.
So, although it is extremely important and even vital to process, everyone will feel much better if you do it with the lid on!
(Then maybe we won't be late for the ball!)
"How much has to be explored and discarded before reaching the naked flesh of feeling." ~Claude Debussy
Yep, you know what happens-stuff flies everywhere!
And it's a mess to clean up!
Well, I have found that I have that ability to have that same effect on people and situations.
If I have started the "sorting" process with all the ingredients of what is upsetting me,
and added an assortment of pent up emotional spices ,
mixed with liquid tears,
and maybe an addition of optional frustration and fear,
and do not put the lid on first,
before I push pulse,
I. Make. A. Huge. Mess!
At least one that I am ashamed to claim came from my kitchen of personal recipes.
With processing, just like with baking, if I try to rush things because I am impatient
or I try to "adjust the recipe" to how I am used to, usually doing it to please another,
I am headed for failure in some form or another.
This happened to me a few months ago.
Something had shown up unexpectedly in my life that threw my emotions and logical thinking for a loop (well, more like a tangle).
It needed my full attention and I had more processing to go through than a Lunch-able does.
The trouble happened when I involved others before I had a full understanding of what had upset me and what I needed to do to work through the pain.
Because I was not even clear myself what I was going through, I could not very effectively communicate to those around me where I was at or what I felt and needed.
Let's just say "Cinderellaaaa" was playing softly in the background as I scrubbed the floor on my knees cleaning up my mess.
(Now I will never get to the ball...)
"Working through" may have meant writing through it,
going on a "talk/walk",
talking it through with a trusted confidant,
or seeing a professional,
or a combination of them all depending on the difficulty of the "recipe",
(BEFORE I tried talking to whom I really needed to.)
When that is done in order, and the temperature (emotionally calm),
and timing (when people aren't rushed or stressed)
are correctly in place then we can take off the lid and dole out and serve what we prepared for the betterment of ourselves and those around us.
We can then share what upset us, what we need, and how we will change what needs changing if anything does.
So, although it is extremely important and even vital to process, everyone will feel much better if you do it with the lid on!
(Then maybe we won't be late for the ball!)
"How much has to be explored and discarded before reaching the naked flesh of feeling." ~Claude Debussy
September 22, 2013
Look In The Bottom Of The Bag!
My friend had given me a gift bag for my birthday.
I peeked in the top and said, "Uumm, chocolate! My favorite!! I can even smell it!"
But her young daughter wasn't satisfied that I had found the real gift, the best part yet.
She said, "Look in the bottom of the bag! See it?! Look in the bottom!"
And there it was.
The real gift!
A party blower!
Only a child would have the sense to know what is more important than chocolate.
Celebrating life, laughing over simple things, enjoying the moment, and not worrying about looking foolish while doing it.
And although it may have a short shelf life, that while it lasts it creates long lasting memories.
Lately I have been handed some 'life' gift bags.
What I thought was most important on top can't compare to what is yet to be discovered.
And what appeared to be the "bottom" of some aspects of my life is where the greatest gift is just waiting to yet be uncovered.
I need this lesson right now.
I needed a reminder to celebrate the life I have now with those I love now.
To enjoy the simple things in life while I can, no matter how short that time may be.
That sometimes you have to look past what appears to be the best part, to find what "really" matters, even if you have to wait until you hit bottom.
"A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip." ~Author Unknown
I peeked in the top and said, "Uumm, chocolate! My favorite!! I can even smell it!"
But her young daughter wasn't satisfied that I had found the real gift, the best part yet.
She said, "Look in the bottom of the bag! See it?! Look in the bottom!"
And there it was.
The real gift!
A party blower!
Only a child would have the sense to know what is more important than chocolate.
Celebrating life, laughing over simple things, enjoying the moment, and not worrying about looking foolish while doing it.
And although it may have a short shelf life, that while it lasts it creates long lasting memories.
Lately I have been handed some 'life' gift bags.
What I thought was most important on top can't compare to what is yet to be discovered.
And what appeared to be the "bottom" of some aspects of my life is where the greatest gift is just waiting to yet be uncovered.
I need this lesson right now.
I needed a reminder to celebrate the life I have now with those I love now.
To enjoy the simple things in life while I can, no matter how short that time may be.
That sometimes you have to look past what appears to be the best part, to find what "really" matters, even if you have to wait until you hit bottom.
"A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip." ~Author Unknown
September 15, 2013
The Heart Ride Home
Even trips to Disneyland eventually have to end.
The park closes.
The lights go dim, the noise subsides and the rides stop.
The fun, the adventure, the escape from reality comes to a close and the people are left to go back to their lives-outside of fantasy land.
Remember my Heart Ride?
Well, white horses don't always take us where we want to go.
Wise, experienced, mature ones, take us where we need to go.
Where we really belong.
The unsuspecting invite that had swooped me out of my routine, into another realm, and onto an unexpected white horse had changed my life.
Although it was as limited as a short "vacation" it had done what vacations are meant to do.
It had given me exposure to new experiences and rejuvenated my passion for daily life again.
And as with good vacations, it was cut way too short.
It also brought a familiar comfort from being in a place and with people who were part of my life, even though many years before.
You know, how sometimes you just yearn for an environment that you are well acquainted with where there is no need to be anyone else except who you you really are?
Well, that had happened for me.
It was a fun, wonderful place to be if only for a bit.
The "ride" exposed the rider and ridee to each other in ways that equaled those "back in time" romantic movies.
Feelings that had been dormant for years and had never totally disappeared, emerged from hibernation.
And yet like I had said, so had the changes we had each made as adults.
Those changes were clear reminders that yes, castles and occupants do indeed look different at mid-life than they did at eighteen and that expectations and dreams for those occupants change too.
It ended up not being a permanent place of residence for us.
But in the end, I believe, that good ol' Walt was onto something after all when he envisioned a place to imagine & experience dreams coming true if only for a short horse ride. Because through all this I learned that sometimes a happily-ever-after ending, is only the beginning.
The park closes.
The lights go dim, the noise subsides and the rides stop.
The fun, the adventure, the escape from reality comes to a close and the people are left to go back to their lives-outside of fantasy land.
Remember my Heart Ride?
Well, white horses don't always take us where we want to go.
Wise, experienced, mature ones, take us where we need to go.
Where we really belong.
The unsuspecting invite that had swooped me out of my routine, into another realm, and onto an unexpected white horse had changed my life.
Although it was as limited as a short "vacation" it had done what vacations are meant to do.
It had given me exposure to new experiences and rejuvenated my passion for daily life again.
And as with good vacations, it was cut way too short.
It also brought a familiar comfort from being in a place and with people who were part of my life, even though many years before.
You know, how sometimes you just yearn for an environment that you are well acquainted with where there is no need to be anyone else except who you you really are?
Well, that had happened for me.
It was a fun, wonderful place to be if only for a bit.
The "ride" exposed the rider and ridee to each other in ways that equaled those "back in time" romantic movies.
Feelings that had been dormant for years and had never totally disappeared, emerged from hibernation.
And yet like I had said, so had the changes we had each made as adults.
Those changes were clear reminders that yes, castles and occupants do indeed look different at mid-life than they did at eighteen and that expectations and dreams for those occupants change too.
It ended up not being a permanent place of residence for us.
But in the end, I believe, that good ol' Walt was onto something after all when he envisioned a place to imagine & experience dreams coming true if only for a short horse ride. Because through all this I learned that sometimes a happily-ever-after ending, is only the beginning.
September 11, 2013
You Ruined My Happy Life!
Although I was being reprehended from the back seat there was no problem hearing with clarity, "You ruined my happy life!"
I had taken my youngster away from her friends house with the a forehand understanding that we would only be able to visit for a short amount of time.
Somewhere between the school where the promise was made and the coveted place of departure, memory loss had set in.
Although she was able to stay and visit twice the amount of previously agreed upon time, her life was now ruined and I was the culprit.
What had started out to be an act of fun spontaneity had now turned into a future topic for her one-day-I-will-need-to-be-in-therapy session.
As I fought off any feelings of guilt (which by the way is a zillion times easier to do when it isn't your child), I reflected how even as adults, we can allow a single disapproving experience to "ruin our happy lives".
Have you ever done that?
Let the rain ruin the picnic and forget that you are in company with people you love?
Focus on the one disappointing report card grade and miss the child's love of learning?
Show disapproval to a spouse for not getting "it" (whatever that "it" is) right and forget that numerous people yearn just to have a companion?
Well, I could have been a multiple-unhappy-life-reincarnated you-name-it I have done this so much.
When I viewed the melodramatic display from the rear view mirror, I could see the comical nature of it all.
Why then is it so hard to see when it is me blowing things so far out of proportion that it appears I used explosives?
Why am I the exception to ridiculousness?
Small people often teach large lessons.
So next time you might be thinking your happy life is ruined, stop and count your blessings instead.
"Better to lose count while naming your blessings than to lose your blessings to counting your troubles." ~Maltbie D. Babcock
I had taken my youngster away from her friends house with the a forehand understanding that we would only be able to visit for a short amount of time.
Somewhere between the school where the promise was made and the coveted place of departure, memory loss had set in.
Although she was able to stay and visit twice the amount of previously agreed upon time, her life was now ruined and I was the culprit.
What had started out to be an act of fun spontaneity had now turned into a future topic for her one-day-I-will-need-to-be-in-therapy session.
As I fought off any feelings of guilt (which by the way is a zillion times easier to do when it isn't your child), I reflected how even as adults, we can allow a single disapproving experience to "ruin our happy lives".
Have you ever done that?
Let the rain ruin the picnic and forget that you are in company with people you love?
Focus on the one disappointing report card grade and miss the child's love of learning?
Show disapproval to a spouse for not getting "it" (whatever that "it" is) right and forget that numerous people yearn just to have a companion?
Well, I could have been a multiple-unhappy-life-reincarnated you-name-it I have done this so much.
When I viewed the melodramatic display from the rear view mirror, I could see the comical nature of it all.
Why then is it so hard to see when it is me blowing things so far out of proportion that it appears I used explosives?
Why am I the exception to ridiculousness?
Small people often teach large lessons.
So next time you might be thinking your happy life is ruined, stop and count your blessings instead.
"Better to lose count while naming your blessings than to lose your blessings to counting your troubles." ~Maltbie D. Babcock
August 20, 2013
Beauty And The Beast
We were working on her homework when she just got up from the bed and walked away.
I waited a minute and looked up to see where she went and saw that she had taken one of the three red roses she had in a vase by her bed and started cutting the stem pretty short. (Where do these spontaneously sporadic actions come from?!") We were working on a math worksheet!
(These were the ones in another part of the house.)
I, in my best, jump-to-conclusions-and overreact-any-chance-you-get-mothering-Beast-self (that I am ashamed to say dominated my parenting) said, "I don't know if you want to cut that off because if it's too short it can't get any water and will die." (That was a useless thing to say because it was already cut by then.) (The disturbing part is I was at a nanny job and still was acting in my old role without hesitation or thought!)
She, in her stellar, I-am-just-going-to-ignore-what-you-just-said-Beauty-self said, "Here, Ms. Reyna, this is for you!", as she handed me a tiny vase filled with water, one red rose, some Baby's breath and a leaf (I know it has some official name... and probably isn't a leaf at all but stay focused). (What child has a perfect size 3 1/2 inch glass vase right there in their bedroom?)
BEAST: I am worried that she's going to "ruin" the flowers and they will be wasted and unable to be enjoyed. And they are expensive, beautiful red roses! Who gets those very often? so we need to "preserve" them. Cutting them up is not a very good idea!
BEAUTY: These are beautiful and should be shared with people whom I care about! Here, I will just stop in the middle of doing the trivial, mundane stuff (such as homework), not worry about if its logical or a perfect presentation or that I will have less, and just go act on this good feeling I have right now. See, wasn't that easy? And look how happy it made her!!
This Beast can sure learn a lot from Beauty here.
Maybe if I didn't worry so much about "stuff" and looked beyond material things, I would act more often on the pure motivation; of sharing kindness and love, thus not getting so caught up, that I miss the moment completely.
How beautiful a day can be
When kindness touches it!
~George Elliston
Flowers whisper "Beauty!" to the world, even as they fade, wilt, fall. ~Dr. SunWolf, professorsunwolf.com
I waited a minute and looked up to see where she went and saw that she had taken one of the three red roses she had in a vase by her bed and started cutting the stem pretty short. (Where do these spontaneously sporadic actions come from?!") We were working on a math worksheet!
(These were the ones in another part of the house.)
I, in my best, jump-to-conclusions-and overreact-any-chance-you-get-mothering-Beast-self (that I am ashamed to say dominated my parenting) said, "I don't know if you want to cut that off because if it's too short it can't get any water and will die." (That was a useless thing to say because it was already cut by then.) (The disturbing part is I was at a nanny job and still was acting in my old role without hesitation or thought!)
She, in her stellar, I-am-just-going-to-ignore-what-you-just-said-Beauty-self said, "Here, Ms. Reyna, this is for you!", as she handed me a tiny vase filled with water, one red rose, some Baby's breath and a leaf (I know it has some official name... and probably isn't a leaf at all but stay focused). (What child has a perfect size 3 1/2 inch glass vase right there in their bedroom?)
BEAST: I am worried that she's going to "ruin" the flowers and they will be wasted and unable to be enjoyed. And they are expensive, beautiful red roses! Who gets those very often? so we need to "preserve" them. Cutting them up is not a very good idea!
BEAUTY: These are beautiful and should be shared with people whom I care about! Here, I will just stop in the middle of doing the trivial, mundane stuff (such as homework), not worry about if its logical or a perfect presentation or that I will have less, and just go act on this good feeling I have right now. See, wasn't that easy? And look how happy it made her!!
This Beast can sure learn a lot from Beauty here.
Maybe if I didn't worry so much about "stuff" and looked beyond material things, I would act more often on the pure motivation; of sharing kindness and love, thus not getting so caught up, that I miss the moment completely.
How beautiful a day can be
When kindness touches it!
~George Elliston
Flowers whisper "Beauty!" to the world, even as they fade, wilt, fall. ~Dr. SunWolf, professorsunwolf.com
August 7, 2013
Let's Go For A Heart Ride
I was reluctant to just jump on the white horse with him at the invite and ride away although I knew him well. It's just that it had been over thirty years since I had last rode with him. The seventeen year old said, 'just go', the older version said, 'hang on a minute'.
Questions internally arose from me such as, 'Once you're a knight are you always a knight or have you become a distinguished King?' And conscientious concerns like,' Does he realize too that princesses age and mature into (maybe not so stately) Queens?'
Things had changed. He now owned a horse named Harley who sported leather and I had retired not only the Daisy Duke wardrobe I'd borrowed but what had fit into it. Carefree youthfulness was taken away by maturity in the form of children, jobs, ex's, bills and other responsibilities. Things that we before never knew existed in our youth (or at least couldn't care less about) had now become our common daily concerns.
But no matter how many years had passed I still had not become so mature that I had outgrown the belief in fantasy. I was just more cautious, slower to be swooped away- trying not to jump on just any inviting horse ride. I had had my share of long, lonely treks back from deserted castles and wasn't looking to travel that route again anytime soon.
However, age doesn't erase dreams, at least not completely. The-little-girl-turned-woman who believes in fairy-tales still yearns for a happily-ever-after ending, even when experience has taught that it is a lot harder to come by than good ol' Walt portrayed. And I had had my share of tin-foiled knights to prove that.
Still he came. Inviting. Fun and adventure didn't await 'down the road' it was right away. Right now. Boy, when you become conscious and appreciative of life's time-line itself, 'right now' is more than just alluring, it's practical and even more appealing.
Not having to do initial introductions and take time to build impressive facades saved us a lot of time. Quality time. Because we had already been there. Plus it was extremely relaxing and comfortable just 'being'.
Passing years had been good to us as we had done much of our "growing" away from each other and now came open handed to share the 'fruits-of-our-labors' - the product of our efforts. There is something uncharacteristically romantic about the transformation of a reformed, flimsy, tin-foil boy into a shiny knight without actually watching the process, but reaping the rewards.
Maybe in some ways the years had helped us learn not to 'sweat the small stuff ' and at the same time it magnified them. Experience just helps you to categorize better, straining out the small things that are trivial and unimportant in the big scheme of things, and appreciating the things that used to seem so 'small'.
Castles look different at mid-life than they did at eighteen. So do the occupants. And the expectations of those occupants. I don't know if it's a place of permanent residence, but it is nice to visit and have a "Disney-call" as one should never be too old to dream and to take, if nothing else, just one more ride down that road on that horse.
Questions internally arose from me such as, 'Once you're a knight are you always a knight or have you become a distinguished King?' And conscientious concerns like,' Does he realize too that princesses age and mature into (maybe not so stately) Queens?'
Things had changed. He now owned a horse named Harley who sported leather and I had retired not only the Daisy Duke wardrobe I'd borrowed but what had fit into it. Carefree youthfulness was taken away by maturity in the form of children, jobs, ex's, bills and other responsibilities. Things that we before never knew existed in our youth (or at least couldn't care less about) had now become our common daily concerns.
But no matter how many years had passed I still had not become so mature that I had outgrown the belief in fantasy. I was just more cautious, slower to be swooped away- trying not to jump on just any inviting horse ride. I had had my share of long, lonely treks back from deserted castles and wasn't looking to travel that route again anytime soon.
However, age doesn't erase dreams, at least not completely. The-little-girl-turned-woman who believes in fairy-tales still yearns for a happily-ever-after ending, even when experience has taught that it is a lot harder to come by than good ol' Walt portrayed. And I had had my share of tin-foiled knights to prove that.
Still he came. Inviting. Fun and adventure didn't await 'down the road' it was right away. Right now. Boy, when you become conscious and appreciative of life's time-line itself, 'right now' is more than just alluring, it's practical and even more appealing.
Not having to do initial introductions and take time to build impressive facades saved us a lot of time. Quality time. Because we had already been there. Plus it was extremely relaxing and comfortable just 'being'.
Passing years had been good to us as we had done much of our "growing" away from each other and now came open handed to share the 'fruits-of-our-labors' - the product of our efforts. There is something uncharacteristically romantic about the transformation of a reformed, flimsy, tin-foil boy into a shiny knight without actually watching the process, but reaping the rewards.
Maybe in some ways the years had helped us learn not to 'sweat the small stuff ' and at the same time it magnified them. Experience just helps you to categorize better, straining out the small things that are trivial and unimportant in the big scheme of things, and appreciating the things that used to seem so 'small'.
Castles look different at mid-life than they did at eighteen. So do the occupants. And the expectations of those occupants. I don't know if it's a place of permanent residence, but it is nice to visit and have a "Disney-call" as one should never be too old to dream and to take, if nothing else, just one more ride down that road on that horse.
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