Let's Go For A Heart Ride

I was reluctant to just jump on the white horse with him at the invite and ride away although I knew him well.  It's just that it had been over thirty years since I had last rode with him.  The seventeen year old said, 'just go', the older version said, 'hang on a minute'.

Questions internally arose from me such as, 'Once you're a knight are you always a knight or have you become a distinguished King?'  And conscientious concerns like,' Does he realize too that princesses age and mature into (maybe not so stately) Queens?'

Things had changed.  He now owned a horse named Harley who sported leather and I had retired not only the Daisy Duke wardrobe I'd borrowed but what had fit into it.  Carefree youthfulness was taken away by maturity in the form of children, jobs, ex's, bills and other responsibilities.  Things that we before never knew existed in our youth (or at least couldn't care less about) had now become our common daily concerns.

But no matter how many years had passed I still had not become so mature that I had outgrown the belief in fantasy.  I was just more cautious, slower to be swooped away- trying not to jump on just any inviting horse ride.  I had had my share of long, lonely treks back from deserted castles and wasn't looking to travel that route again anytime soon.

However, age doesn't erase dreams, at least not completely.  The-little-girl-turned-woman who believes in fairy-tales still yearns for a happily-ever-after ending, even when experience has taught that it is a lot harder to come by than good ol' Walt portrayed.  And I had had my share of tin-foiled knights to prove that.

Still he came.  Inviting.  Fun and adventure didn't await 'down the road' it was right away.  Right now.   Boy, when you become conscious and appreciative of life's time-line itself, 'right now' is more than just alluring, it's practical and even more appealing.

Not having to do initial introductions and take time to build impressive facades saved us a lot of time.  Quality time.  Because we had already been there.  Plus it was extremely relaxing and comfortable just 'being'.

Passing years had been good to us as we had done much of our "growing" away from each other and now came open handed to share the 'fruits-of-our-labors' - the product of our efforts.  There is something uncharacteristically romantic about the transformation of a reformed, flimsy, tin-foil boy into a shiny knight without actually watching the process, but reaping the rewards.

 Maybe in some ways the years had helped us learn not to 'sweat the small stuff ' and at the same time it magnified them.  Experience just helps you to categorize better, straining out the small things that are trivial and unimportant in the big scheme of things, and appreciating the things that used to seem so 'small'.  

Castles look different at mid-life than they did at eighteen.  So do the occupants.  And the expectations of those occupants.  I don't know if it's a place of permanent residence, but it is nice to visit and have a "Disney-call" as one should never be too old to dream and to take, if nothing else, just one more ride down that road on that horse.

Stay Pretty

A couple of about 30 some years of age physically yet mentally younger, came into my place of work.

The woman was wearing a bright purple shirt with big flowers all over it, a purple bracelet that closely resembled a child's fancy, fabric hair tie, purple Crocs and purple socks, a purple necklace, and a purple flowing, veil-like headdress.

As they were leaving and I walked them to the door and thanked them for coming, she turned to me and said with an infectious, child-like enthusiasm and smile, "Stay pretty!  Stay pretty with your pretty necklace and your pretty hair!" 

Coming from someone else this may have seemed so superficial, so worldly and shallow.
It could have even been viewed as a sarcastic mockery (since I wasn't necessarily sporting either).
Yet it was anything but.

In all the sincerity of her heart she was wishing me well, heaping happiness and good fortune upon me.
Wholeheartedly admonishing me and reminding me to embrace and enjoy loving life!  

To stay pretty.

And although her words addressed tangible elements, the real unadulterated message from her was much deeper.
It was her speaking "Stay Pretty" to my heart.
To stay pretty from the inside out, so much so that it would be evident by the energetic, spirit filled glow that would radiate around me.
Something she had obviously learned to do and by her pure example was living as part of her daily life.

I vow to try to not disappoint and to do my best to "stay pretty"!


"Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart."  ~Kahlil Gibran

"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not."  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
 

They Call Me Stupid

Labels.
Who determines who the expert label-er is?
Ugly, selfish, unlovable, fat, slow.

Well, I was stamped with the "stupid" sticker/label.  
Remember in middle school where unbeknownst to the recipient it was taped to their back?  
Well, adults are a little more mature-they just say it behind your back.

So guess what I did?

Well, at first, I just told myself that of course I wasn't a stupid person.
But somehow the outside words were stronger and louder, taunting and questioning my reassuring inside words.

I then reasoned that maybe logic would help so I looked up the definition because dictionaries don't lie right?
But guess what?
The definition could of described the situation I was in and therefore I could word-wise quantify for my new label.

So I then became more determined to prove that I wasn't stupid, recalling any kind of evidence I could conjure up to substantiate my internal claim.
That yes I was a person with some extent of educational or at least knowledgeable value.

In desperation, I thought of a time where I had spoken on the spot, unprepared in the company of many prestigious people, both in the local community and on the national level.
And how I had gotten complimented for my words after.
I pulled out the DVD of the event to re-watch myself  all the while being the only one that was so thirsty for validation that I was taking detailed mental notes.

But for what?
What was I going to do?  Set up my computer at work and say, "Hey everyone, come see what an influential speaker (another label) I am?"!
It was then I realized how ridiculous I was being.
Even if I had all the proof I could compile from the "intelligent" moments in my life, what did it matter?

Who really was I trying to impress, to convince?
It was then I comprehended how futile it was.

All that mattered is what I believed about myself.

I know better.
I know that people believe what they want to believe even if there is evidence to the contrary, so why did I allow myself to be jolted so far off course?

I will have labels plastered to me the rest of my life.
And the chances of acquiring even more new material as I show signs of aging are likely to be many.

So when am I going to stop worrying about others opinions of myself and consider the self-imposed ones?

Do I like who I am?
Do I like what I see?
Do I like who I am becoming?
Do I like my company?

Because really I am all that matters.

We are the only labelers in our lives whom we should be concerned with.
And even sometimes we need a label check-up because if our self evaluation is low we may need a tune up as our own labels may be askew.


"Labels are for filing.  Labels are for clothing.  Labels are not for people."  ~Martina Navratilova

Graduation

Graduation became an important subject for my little friend as she finished school in the 4 year old class and left her last day knowing she would come back a Kindergartener. 

She said,  "You just think I'm a little girl, but  I'm GRADUATING!"

When I asked her what graduation was she replied,  "You know how you get caps and you throw them up in the air - that's graduation."   
"And it means getting a new car."

Evidently none of my children have graduated after all....

The Loan That Made Me Rich

After being on a flight that was packed full, when I changed planes and had a chance to have a  row of seats all to myself I went to the far back of the plane and set myself up for a relaxing flight.

Following the lead of the friendly, but territorial guy in front of me, I sat in the aisle seat making it clear I did not want to share.

When the flight attendants were making their way down through the plane double checking the bins overhead- a sign that we were set- I slid over to the window seat to prepare for the nap I had been waiting for and desperately needed after sleeping maybe two and a half hours the night before.

I was getting my pillow out of my bag when I looked up, surprised to see a thirty some year old woman sitting at the end of my row.

I shook my head and sarcastically yelled, "REALLY?!" from inside my head.
She took no notice.  Did she not see that there were other completely empty rows she could of and should of chose from?! 

By then the announcement to turn off all electronic devices was made.
She ignored it.  Did she not understand English?
But when the attendant came by and told her to specifically turn it off, she nodded yet still ignored her.
The fact that she sat in my row, was oblivious to my "evil eyes" and frustrated body language, along with the fact that she was putting all of our lives in emanate danger, was just too much.

I would get the attention of the attendant as soon as possible and do the elementary school protocol and "tell on her".
That was until I noticed the outgoing, funny lady across the aisle from us giving the sneaks- look to my criminal row-mate  as she still had her phone on too.  She was the kind of woman who had the, "Honey, you don't wanna mess with me " look so I scrapped that idea.

As soon as we started to taxi on the runway, the convict made a comment to me and then asked a question about some other planes that were visible from my nap-to-be-window.
I commented back and we started a conversation that would last the duration of our flight.

Criminals are over rated sometimes.  This lady was very nice, and obliviously innocent to so many things and had a great interest in my family and me.  
She was also very kind, educated and thoughtful.

Surprisingly she too had struggles in her life and had some of the same parenting concerns I had.
She shared that she was from another country and her story of coming to America.

A few minutes into our budding friendship I had become conscientiously  aware of my heart slowly softening towards her and my demeanor changing.  She was no longer this irritant and person worthy of hating but a vulnerable woman just like me.

The moment I felt the most guilt for my unkind feelings and thoughts (that she was totally clueless about and that I was now thankful for her oblivion) was when she excitedly said, "You are rich!"

"In my country of Vietnam if you have four boys you are considered rich." 
"It's true" she said, "The families with four boys or five girls are always rich!"
Her enthusiasm was contagious and convincing.  I believed her!
I was so grateful I had openly invited her into my life-otherwise how would I have ever known the blessing from another country that was mine to receive?!

Our plane landed.
She left to meet up with her coworkers and I remained as I was still not at my destination.
She realized we had not even exchanged names and she returned to ask me who I was.
Then she said, "I am Loan L-O-A-N like money."

So there you have the story of the Loan that made me rich!!!  

"One can pay back the loan of gold, but one dies forever in debt to those who are kind."  ~Malayan Proverb

"The greatest good you can do for another is not just to share your riches but to reveal to him his own."  ~Benjamin Disraeli   


 

Now I Really AM Sure

Do you ever think you are going to do something (at least in your mind) and then when the chance arises it does not play out how you had envisioned?

Well that happened to me a couple weeks ago.

Remember when I said, "Don't Be So Sure"? 
I quote myself as saying then, " I wish I could say a sincere thank you to this man for doing what he did and all that it taught."

Well, I guess for me anyway, writing something and actually following through with my written intentions are not the same thing.  

This man came into my place of work again and I did not do what I had vowed I would, given the chance.
I don't know why.
For one thing it wasn't my table.
Another excuse was because the timing wasn't "right".
But mostly it was probably because I really wasn't sure what I was going to say & how I was going to start it.
"Um, by the way, I was glad you didn't hate me or at least show me you did.  Thanks."

After he left I had sentiment of unresolved remorse, feeling like a hypocrite telling you all that I would do this, but not following through when I had the chance.

I re-vowed that day that I would not again let the opportunity pass if it arose once more.
Well, today was the day.
It started out the same.
Not my table.
Not sure what to say.
But what was different today is I told the girl I was working with (a different one from the original encounter) that I needed to say something to one of her customers.

Enter Mr. Excuse and his buddies, imposing thoughts of embarrassment to all 3 of us (the man was with a friend again) and ideas that it might ruin his appetite and moment of conversation, so I retracted.
But my young co-worker (oh naivete) did not forget and inquired whether I had had a chance to talk to him yet.

So Procrastination being one of my non-birth-certificate-names waited until he was leaving.
Like, literally out-the-door-leaving when I chased him down.

I asked if he knew who I was.
Yes he did.
I said that I wanted to thank him for being kind and professional (or some awkward, not even making sense statement) and guess what?
He said he didn't think we should hold on to (negative) things like that.
I said I blogged about it (great line right, telling some estranged person you wrote about the thought that they might be a jerk?!) and I said I had really appreciated what he did.
And you know what?
He thanked me!
Yep, He. Thanked. Me.
Now I am sure he is a man traveling a higher road than I.

I want to say that I know all imagined and even hoped for second chances may not end up as positive as this one did for me. 
Nevertheless, I would encourage you to confront your situation if you feel a need.
Because even if he would have reacted in an opposing way, my heart would be at peace (after mourning) knowing I gave it an honest attempt.

"Silent gratitude isn't much use to anyone."  ~G.B. Stern

I Killed The Invisible Man

Is it really possible to kill something that isn't real
or that you can't even see?

 If you ask a Kindergarten boy he would answer with a resounding, "Yes!"
(as he runs around the playground getting rid of his demons).

Have you ever thought about that?
Not asking a Kindergarten boy,  but of getting rid of the things in our lives that we can't even see?

Imaginary is sort of like invisible isn't it?
Things that sound like: 
"Something must be wrong with me because it seems like they are looking at me,
Or talking about me",
"I am a bad......"
(*you fill in the blank)
*note-only one negative comment per person,

Or "I am a failure",
"No one loves me because I am unlovable",
"No one will miss me if I'm gone",
Etc.

Who is the invisible man?!
What does he even look like?

Many of us have this nemesis in our lives.
He is not usually some handsome dark male dressed in colorful tights with a cape (darn it!).
He often looks like people we know or he even closely resembles us. 
(He looks like those negative messages above.)
His job is to bring us down, to make us believe things are not good, are lost; that we are lost.

This of course is not true. 

His invisibility makes it harder for us to address.
It was like Big Bird trying to convince people that there really was a Snuffleupagus when they never really saw him.
It is hard for others to understand where all these thoughts, thus causing our often irrational behavior, come from for they are only in our heads.

Yet they are so powerful they are destroying us.
Some of them are keeping us in shame, living in fear that someone may uncover "the truth".
Only, our truth is a  fallacy.

Yep, that little boy is right.
The Invisible Man has got to go!
Take out your therapy swords, your (real) truth serum, your best supportive friend Snuffy and slay that I.M.!!!

Box Office hits are made about conquering villains.
Now is your chance to become the award winning Lead Actor/Hero in your own Life!!!!


"Real difficulties can be overcome, it is only the imaginary ones that are unconquerable."  ~Theodore N. Vail





P.S.  Something awesomely funny happened when I was trying to change the color of the quote text.  I accidentally pushed a wrong button and the words disappeared.  I was all sad thinking I would have to search through all those quotes again to find it and found out the words were still there but they had become invisible!  (Well, white on white background.)

I loved the irony and wanted to leave it, but it wouldn't help much to have an inspiring quote if you couldn't even read it now would it? (I know I need to get a life.)