September 2, 2014

I Would Say I Eat My Feelings.......

"I would say I eat my feelings, but let's be real, that's too expensive."

This is a quote that one of my children (poor college-age-student) made up that I just love, because not only did it make me laugh, but it is so true!

I don't know about you, but sometimes (more oft than not), I find myself eating even when I'm not really hungry.  I might even go so far as to continue to eat, stuffing myself when there is no longer "room" in my stomach or when the food no longer even tastes good.

I guess sometimes it just gives me something to do, to fill boredom, but I'm going to be real here.....that is not the main reason I do it.

Sometimes I'm aware that I'm just plain greedy, fearing I won't get that good kind of delicious food (or drink) again (because it cost money and cooking know-how skills!) so I fill up-way past full, letting the fear of "lack-of" control me.

And although I don't think I have fully identified all the reasons I eat too much, one I have taken note of, is when I am hurting. Like a heart-hurt.  Sweets can literally feel like they are sugar-coating the pain, although it is only temporary. So sometimes I resort to that. (It can also be too expensive to indulge in the desserts I would really like!?)

Other times, when I'm angry, eating is more pleasant than cleaning; something that my sister does when she is upset.  (I guess that is why her house is clean and......well, you know...Old Mother Hubbard comes to mine.)

But as much as I don't want to admit it, one of the main reasons I overeat is when I am not liking myself.  I then am using the very thing I need to keep me alive, as a weapon against myself.  It is I guess, some sort of way to punish myself.  To perhaps make my outside look and feel as yucky, as unlovable, as my inside does.  That way there is no doubt that the lies I am telling myself are true, because they are now visibly evident even to others on the outside.

It doesn't make sense does it?  Or maybe it does, on some subconscious level.  Because it can start out gradual or subtlety where I am not yet consciously making the correlation. Where it is not yet out of control. Where I am just indulging "this time". Before it gets out of hand.

Possibly, that  is how addictions start. From a moment of "just this time".  Ending up in an out-of-control-I-don't-want-to-be-here place. Which was not our original intention.

I could go on as there are myriad reasons why we do what we do.  I just wanted to share a few.

This I do know: if I am trying to numbingly "eat" my way out of my uncomfortable feelings, it is something I cannot emotionally and physically, healthily afford to do, as, that IS a price way too expensive to pay!

"If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution." ~Author Unknown

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