Now I Really AM Sure

Do you ever think you are going to do something (at least in your mind) and then when the chance arises it does not play out how you had envisioned?

Well that happened to me a couple weeks ago.

Remember when I said, "Don't Be So Sure"? 
I quote myself as saying then, " I wish I could say a sincere thank you to this man for doing what he did and all that it taught."

Well, I guess for me anyway, writing something and actually following through with my written intentions are not the same thing.  

This man came into my place of work again and I did not do what I had vowed I would, given the chance.
I don't know why.
For one thing it wasn't my table.
Another excuse was because the timing wasn't "right".
But mostly it was probably because I really wasn't sure what I was going to say & how I was going to start it.
"Um, by the way, I was glad you didn't hate me or at least show me you did.  Thanks."

After he left I had sentiment of unresolved remorse, feeling like a hypocrite telling you all that I would do this, but not following through when I had the chance.

I re-vowed that day that I would not again let the opportunity pass if it arose once more.
Well, today was the day.
It started out the same.
Not my table.
Not sure what to say.
But what was different today is I told the girl I was working with (a different one from the original encounter) that I needed to say something to one of her customers.

Enter Mr. Excuse and his buddies, imposing thoughts of embarrassment to all 3 of us (the man was with a friend again) and ideas that it might ruin his appetite and moment of conversation, so I retracted.
But my young co-worker (oh naivete) did not forget and inquired whether I had had a chance to talk to him yet.

So Procrastination being one of my non-birth-certificate-names waited until he was leaving.
Like, literally out-the-door-leaving when I chased him down.

I asked if he knew who I was.
Yes he did.
I said that I wanted to thank him for being kind and professional (or some awkward, not even making sense statement) and guess what?
He said he didn't think we should hold on to (negative) things like that.
I said I blogged about it (great line right, telling some estranged person you wrote about the thought that they might be a jerk?!) and I said I had really appreciated what he did.
And you know what?
He thanked me!
Yep, He. Thanked. Me.
Now I am sure he is a man traveling a higher road than I.

I want to say that I know all imagined and even hoped for second chances may not end up as positive as this one did for me. 
Nevertheless, I would encourage you to confront your situation if you feel a need.
Because even if he would have reacted in an opposing way, my heart would be at peace (after mourning) knowing I gave it an honest attempt.

"Silent gratitude isn't much use to anyone."  ~G.B. Stern

The Glitches In Life

Do you ever get those?

Glitches?
You know, the things defined as a defect or malfunction in a plan?
Like, in your life plan?

Well, they show up faithfully in my life.
I am not an OCD or even real disciplined planner but I do try to have some direction that I am heading towards in life.

And then The Glitch Who Stole Structure shows up.
In Whomeverville. (Where I live.)
With things like dental challenges (smiles and chops for eating are pretty important),
Car trouble (someone telling you smoke is coming out of your parked car from under your hood is not the kind of BBQ you want),
Illness or health issues (should be left to commercials only),
Relationship struggles (forget about the happy endings that movies portray),
Financial trials (who needs the fountain of youth, I'm still looking for the money tree plantation),
And major home repairs (projects that HGTV House Crashers wouldn't even touch!).


Unlike the movie, all the joyous singing I can muster doesn't make my wallet grow three times larger or alter the "presents"  (see above) sent my way.
It doesn't soften the Glitches heart either.

But guess what?
I change. 

As I qiut singing "You're a Mean One Mr. Glitch" and I sing songs of gratitude and count the presents wrapped in Blessings paper (although few and pretty worn looking) my heart starts to soften.

In some weird Cindy Lou way, I start to see the Glitch as someone with something(s) to offer, to help learn and grow from.   And instead of asking "Why are you taking my happiness tree?  WHY?"  I start to trust and believe that maybe there is a Christmas hidden within the trials after all.

And even though many of my life "presents" have been literally dumped in the abyss by the Glitch, I realize that maybe Christmas life doesn't mean not being poor...., maybe life... perhaps....means a little bit more.

Maybe it is realizing all that I do have (Glitches and all)-even if  just Roast Beast.

 "Christmas is a time to open our hearts to God and his gifts.  Just like the rest of the year."  ~Author Unknown
  
DISCLAIMER: I know this may seem untimely mentioning Christmas in the summer, but glitches come all the time and I should remember the blessing and ultimate gift that Christmas brings all year long.

A Thanksgiving Past

"We can always find something to be thankful for, and there may be reasons why we ought to be thankful for even those dispensations which appear dark and frowning".  ~Albert Barnes

Sometimes time makes me forget.

Many years ago I had the worst Thanksgiving of my life.

I was newly divorced and my children were taken by their father, out of town, to visit his family.

My youngest son did not want to go without me and was hiding behind the clean clothes hanging in the laundry room screaming as his dad pulled him out to take him.

I cannot explain the difficulty or pain that we were all feeling (including his four siblings) on different levels that day.  (It was over a dozen years ago and yet still brings tears to my eyes as I type the words.)

When they arrived at their destination he called me and asked, "When are you coming?"
(That was before cell phones and I didn't get one until years after they came out anyway).

I just had to reassure him with an artificial, positive voice,  through a silent, crying heart, with tears running down my cheeks, that I would see them as soon as they got back and remind him how much I loved him.


I then hung up the phone, climbed into bed, didn't shower or even get out of my pajamas (although it was mid-day), and cried and cried and cried.
And probably screamed too.

I stayed that way for a couple of days with no shortage of heartache or tears.

I wanted to know the answer to Freddy Fender's questioning song, "How do you mend a broken heart?"


Somehow it came.


Slowly at first I'm sure.


It started with the realization that I would have missed having a Thanksgiving dinner.

Although I was in a major dysfunctional state to put it mildly, and declined every request from loving people to join them for dinner, thinking that food was the last thing I felt like, I would soon come to find that I was wrong.


Loving people brought food to me even though I had said not to.  (This is making me teary-eyed also.)
They just dropped it off as I was an emotional eye-sore in the condition I was in.

I could not tell you all who did, but I can tell you it made a difference in how I felt about Thanksgiving from there on out.

I honestly can't say that the food was great because I don't remember whether it was or not, and maybe it didn't even taste good with my numb heart taste buds.
What I can tell you is that I felt loved and hugged by a plate(s) of food.

Something I so desperately needed during that time.
(A side note:  if you know of someone in a similar situation-drop a plate by.  Don't expect a visit, unless invited, but the gesture is unexplainable and long lasting.)


I knew it was going to be that way from there on out, so I decided to accept and change my mind about how I was going to deal with it.
(Remember, I had a whole year until the next time and it never did quit hurting completely.)


First, was in counting my blessings.
My children would always be with me on Christmas so Thanksgiving was an easier sacrifice.

Second, I didn't have to clean, cook, spend money or 'play nice' for any people I was uncomfortable with.

Third, I wanted to find a way to "be there" with them so I devised a plan.
I am infamous in my family for my dinner rolls, so every year following, I would make some and send them with them.
It was a pretty magical experience as I felt a tremendous amount of love while making something I had done numerous times before. 
Knowing where they were going and what they represented changed directions of a "simple act".


(This year I sent some unbeknownst to my son who will not be home with family for the first Thanksgiving in his life.)

Fourth, I had a chance to work uninterrupted on a project and usually completed it.

Fifth, I had a lot to be thankful for and good friends were one of those things.
I had some good friends who invited me over with other "strays"as I called us, even though complete families went also.
So for the next decade I went to their house, taking my rolls of course, learning that family are people who love and accept you even though you have never met them before and may never see them again.
(I am a little a lot embarrassed to admit that when their father quit taking them, it took some adjusting on my part to do a "family" dinner again.)


Sixth, is that love has no boundaries and transcends all.  No matter where my family was and is my love is the same.


Seventh, that healing is possible.  I am a living testimony of that.  Someone, who at one point had no desire to live.


And finally, that Thanksgiving should be given every day as I am blessed with God's tender mercies EVERY SINGLE DAY!

Thanksgiving Day comes, by statute, once a year; to the honest man it comes as frequently as the heart of gratitude will allow.  ~Edward Sandford Martin
  
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

"Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life.  It turns what we have into enough, and more.  It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity.  It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.  Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow."  ~Melody Beattie

The Freedom to Be Grateful

"Freedom is never free."~ Author Unknown

 I do not think I have ever been so moved to appreciate and feel love for soldiers I have never met.
By hearing the simple spoken word.
In truth it was anything but simple.
It was the most heartfelt and humble testimony I have ever personally heard from a returned Vietnam Vet.

He shared his experience at church yesterday of his coming back from war, to American soil with a group of soldiers.
Many did not make it back.
He explained how one by one each soldier started to cry as their plane approached landing knowing that they were coming "Home".
He told how each of them descended from the airplane, got on bended knee and kissed the ground.

Oh, how I take for granted My Country, My Freedoms, My Blessings, My "Home"- because someone I have never met has fought to preserve them!


God Bless America and ALL Those Who Defend it!!!!

"We have enjoyed so much freedom for so long that we are perhaps in danger of forgetting how much blood it cost to establish the Bill of Rights."~ Felix Frankfurter
 

 

I Wasn't Looking, But I Found One

I wasn't looking for a cry-movie (June 30 post) but I found one.

Actually my son brought it to me.


It is titled Two Weeks.  Anita, the mom who is dying of cancer, is played by Sally Field.
She has three sons and one daughter.
I have four sons and one daughter.  (April 7th post.)
I could relate to many of the family dynamics.


It was one of my kind of movies.
The criteria for that is:
That it makes you cry,
It makes you laugh,
And it makes you think.
All three of those things happened for me.


Thoughts, real-life thoughts came up, at times they were uncomfortable for me.
Nevertheless they are provoking thoughts.
Things I might want to give at least a little more consideration to.
Especially since it is not something I have to do at this time.
That might make it a little easier.


It also brought with it gratitude.
For the blessings and privileges I so readily get to experience and live.

It is good for me to be reminded of all that I have.
To cherish that which I so easily can take advantage of.


To be reminded of how precious life is and the loved ones who are in it!


Thank you son, for thinking of me and offering to share the movie with me!
(I have to say though that I would've cried harder if you had been watching it with me.)
Love Ya! 

"We should give meaning to life, not wait for life to give us meaning."~ Stacy

Today Is My Lucky Day!

This is what a little girl said to me when I went over to do a nanny job at her house.

She told me it was her lucky day because I came.

Talk about being humbled.
Talk about touching my heart!
Talk about being taught by a child!

I learned:
Not to be afraid of expressing your feelings (even if you are not sure the other person feels the same way.)
That you can be enthusiastic over what may seem to some to be a very simple thing.
That it is fun to be enthusiastic.
That you can be enthusiastic by yourself!
That enthusiasm is infectious!


That you can find the positive in almost anything.
That gratitude is something we often forget to have.
That gratitude can change a duty into a privilege.
That gratitude is infectious.
That gratitude is a virtue.
That at the end of the day I was the one who had a Lucky Day! 

"May we be found among those who give our thanks to our Heavenly Father.  If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues.  Despite the changes which come into our lives and with gratitude in our hearts, may we fill our days-as much as we can-with those things which matter most.  May we cherish those we hold dear and express our love to them in word and in deed."~Thomas S. Monson 


 

 

SERIES - #2 I Didn't Expect: To Have Four Boys and Only One Girl

When my daughter heard what this 'topic' was she announced to other family members that it was mean.  I didn't get it (of course, why would I?)

It seems sort of odd to 'expect' what sex your children will be, but that is how my mind was working.

I have always wanted five children but I never really gave thought to the balance.
I just thought there would be one.
Apparently not much thought...
(How do you balance out five anyway?)

Playing with my Barbies, (yes I had Barbies) I never acted out the role 0f a mother of mostly girls or mostly boys.  Even then I just thought it would be 'even'.  (Although there were not many male dolls available.  I only had one.  It was Ken.  (Sometimes my brothers' G.I. Joe, unbeknownst  to him would be around too.)  Mostly it was Ken.  One Ken to octo-Barbies.  Ken loved it!  It was like Mattel polygamy.) 
(Let's pretend I didn't just plant that idea in your mind.)

My first two babies were boys.
By the time I was pregnant with my third child, I thought it would be a girl.
I mean doesn't that make sense?
Two boys to play with each other.
Perfect!

Now let's mix it up a bit.
Give them a little sister.

But it did not happen that way.

Instead I heard, "It's a boy!"
Of course, I loved this baby boy too and I still do.
But I had not anticipated that it would not be  girl.
Who was tipping the scales here?

It would be another lesson for me.

I resolved then that I would be grateful for whatever gender God chose to send me.
And that I would trust that He knew what He was doing.
Don't get me wrong, I was grateful, I just got worried I would never get to experience a daughter.
(I am embarrassed to admit my shallowness.)
(Maybe my daughter is on to something?)

I had read about a faithful man who was the father of five boys and loved it for all the right reasons.
It changed how I felt.
I accepted the fact that I too might be blessed with five boys.

Near the last few months of my fourth pregnancy , the doctor had some concerns that complications might arise so I had to have several ultrasounds.
I was always asked if I wanted to know what the sex was.
I did not.
I figure if I have to wait nine months anyway, I might as well have a surprise in the end.
Isn't that how it has been for thousands of years?
And no one ever gets a refund anyway if they don't get what they expected.

Besides, my personality is such that I would not only have this child's name pre-picked without seeing them, but I would already have planned what kind of child they were going to be (see 'Preconceived Notion' post) and what extra curricular events they would be involved in, to what their favorite everything was and where they were going to college...before they were even born!

So I waited until the day.
"It's a girl!"
She really was unexpected!

She was a blessed addition to our male family.
It was added spice.
I said, "It is like having salt and pepper now!"
(Are those spices?)
Nooo cooking for you Reyna!

Then not even two years later,
Again I heard, "It's a boy!"
And my last child was absolutely perfect!
I was so happy to have him too!

I had grown enough by then not to think about whether it was a boy or girl.
I was grateful that all my children were born strong and healthy.
No more 'balancing' thoughts.
(Of course ten years had also passed-more mature perspective maybe?)


Then my divorce came.
When that happened, I got amnesia and I forgot about the part up on top here where I said, "[I] trust that He knew what He was doing" ( when he blessed me with mostly boys).
I questioned, mostly to the air so as not to speak disrespectfully, directly to God, "Why did God give me all these boys to raise alone?  I know nothing about boys.  I've had very few men in my life.  How am I supposed to raise boys?"
(It was my 'pity-me' cry.)

But it would not be long before those questions were answered.
Testosterone vs Hormones that's why!!

My sister has three girls very close to my childrens' age and as they matured (if you know what I mean...)
it became evident what a wise and loving and understanding and compassionate God He was.
Thank goodness for off-balance.
Thank goodness that He knew what He was doing!

Disclaimer:Nothing against girls-I happen to be one.
It's just that I was not a very good sharer when it came to who gets to play the monthly, lead role in Mommy Dearest.  Or is it Psycho?
Imagine if I would have had to fight for the part with 4-5 other females?!
Thank goodness those days are past.
(Back to the main focus here.)

I would not want any of my children to be any thing other that exactly what God sent.
Who was that crazy, 'I-want-balance-woman??!'
I know her.
She is OK now.
She has received help.  Thank goodness!

The help came in the form of four boys and one girl!
Therapy by design!
Designed by the Ultimate Creator of all time.

P.S.  I want to add what an absolute blessing it has been for me that God entrusted five of His special spirits to me.

In whatever form.

That I have had the privilege of giving birth to five wonderful, beautiful children.

That I was granted one of the two things I really ever wanted in life; to be a mother.

I know that I make sarcastic comments sometimes and kid around but I would NEVER change that part of my life!

This past summer I had major surgery.  

I had to sign a consent form acknowledging that I would never be able to have children again.

I have had my time to do that and have no desire to do that part of my life again, but somehow just the act of having to conscientiously sign that divine right away made me very sad.

It also brought a tremendous amount of gratitude to God for allowing my body to be healthy and work properly at the time needed so that I could be the means of transporting those precious babies to this Earth!

"I never knew how much love my heart could hold until someone called me "mommy."~Author Unknown