Do Arms Have Wings?

The four year old boy I was sitting next to at rest time asked me this, "Do arms have wings?" as he was flopping the skin back and forth on my underarms.

I told him it was time to rest his voice.

What do you think I should have said?
"Some older models do.  Now I am going to quit talking and rest my wings."

Handling Changes

This is an article I wrote for my school's news letter.       

                                                               

As a new school year starts, there are bound to be changes to our schedules, our lives, our habits, and our emotions.

It will probably take some time for adjustment and for a routine to develop that the family is comfortable with.

I have found over the years that sometimes we are not aware how important predictability is to our children.  If you are doubting what I’m saying, think about what might happen if you drive a different route to school or forget your tie (does anyone wear ties anymore to work?) or drink coffee out of a different cup or heaven forbid buy it from a different store!?

So what can we do to help our children?

Try really hard to develop a routine especially for the mornings and at bedtime.

NOTE: When there are many family members including siblings, an exact time of things can feel impossible and may often be.  Seth misses his bus so you are now a taxi finding the quickest, shortest route with Miss GPS’s help-maybe--- in order to get everyone else where they need to be on time. 
   
Chances are on those days you aren’t merrily singing Polly Wally Doodle All Day, (but then again, you might be one of those exceptional families who will take every opportunity to create lasting memories…). 

If however you are not, just know Mama said there’d be days like this and get back on track the next day.  (It might help to recount where the glitch happened to avoid it again if at all possible.)

Try however, to establish a basic idea of what will be happening for these daily rituals.

On the other hand, being too rigid about time frames can create stress of a different source.

I know, make up your mind Reyna!    

But that’s parenting for you.   
Basically, it’s guidelines with room for personal interpretation.  Welcome to parenthood!

Anyway, back to my main point.  When changes happen as they will-for that is life in motion- keep as many of your regular habits as realistic.  Something as simple as not having their favorite breakfast bowl can cause turmoil for some children.  Also things we might not think, such as the opposite parent bringing the child to school when he/she usually doesn’t, can cause stress.  For some children this will be a treat, for others, chaos.  Learn to understand your child’s preferences.

A break in the family dynamic, like a parent traveling or company in the home can also uproot a child’s sense of security.  These things are also helpful to share with a teacher so they then can be aware of any sensitivities that might manifest itself in our children.

Although children may seem too young to really care, in general they like to know what to expect (in condensed form, not the essay-way I used to present it).   
Tell them a basic outline of events.  If your child is uncomfortable with transitions, give 5 minute warnings/reminders that change will be happening, e.g. we will be leaving in 5 minutes so finish up what you are doing. 

For the most part, as time goes on, people will fall into place with the new changes and all will be well.

One last thing I would like to address is the emotional changes that happen for the parents (which I alluded to in the first sentence.)

Watching our children become the independent, confident children we hoped to raise (darn them) can cause our hearts to mourn.   Oh yes, on one hand we are beamingly satisfied with them going off into the classroom and finding an activity or friend to play with but they may hardly even notice we are saying our goodbyes and that might sting.  They are growing up and away in the tiniest steps. 

It is imperative that we acknowledge this.  
Both the fact that they are maturing and the fact that we may not quite be ready for it.   It is in a sense a loss of their total dependence on us to a new form of independence for them.  This of course is what we want (for it breaks our hearts more to know they were crying for us all day) nevertheless it is sometimes a hard stage to swallow.   
It is normal to feel this tug of emotions!

Know they will always be your child and will need you to be their parent.  The only difference will be in how it manifests itself.  So, advise for parents is to develop a new habit/ routine for yourself that you do for yourself while your most prized gift is doing exactly what he is supposed to because you did your job exactly how you should have!

Have a wonderful year!                                                                                  

The Cracker Shopper - A Parenting Parable

This post is an excerpt from an article I wrote for my school's newsletter.

Our school provides wheat crackers and milk everyday (along with water and an additional item) for the children's snack.  The staff takes turns being "The Cracker Shopper".

The first year I worked at the school and my rotation came around I closely watched the pantry supply, taking into consideration when the best time would be to shop.  I still had a son at home that was very involved in varying activities as well as the community work that I myself was doing, so timing was everything.  Because there is only one grocery chain that carries the crackers I carefully figured that destination in my errand loop.


One morning as I was preparing the snack, shortly after I had mentally made my date for the "shopping excursion", I was surprised and confused to see the pantry shelves already stocked with crackers.  Many thoughts crossed my mind as I wondered: if it was not my month to shop after all, had the cracker fairy come overnight or had I in my pre-Alzheimer's  state already done it and forgotten?  Those with more wisdom and years at the school suggested that someone had done it just to be helpful and nice.  Adding, that someone may have thought I had forgotten.  (Had I already started my absent-minded reputation?)

Trying to make myself feel better, that is what I told myself, but the truth was I still had on my goody-two-shoes-has-it-perfectly-all-together facade, trying to impress my new coworkers, so my "condition" was still under wraps.  But something happened to me that day that has stayed with me.

I became aware that I felt as though someone had not trusted in my ability to accomplish the task given me.  That brought up a couple of things for me.  It made me question my own ability and the thought-out decisions I had carefully made.  It left me wondering if I had unknowingly done something wrong. 

When I determined I hadn't, it made me resentful in a way.  I knew what was going on, and I had a plan.  I could and would rise to the occasion.   There would not be a shortage of crackers, but it appeared that because it was not the way someone else would have done it, it wasn't the "correct" way.  

The sensitive, vulnerable side of me wanted to throw my hands up crying, "Then maybe you should just do it."  The defensive, ego-wounded side of me wanted to throw something and say, "Then you just do it!"

As uncomfortable as it was, it made me think about times I had unknowingly sent that 
message to my own children by "correcting" what they did, or questioning their 'technique'.  Since I am older and have more experience I must know the best way.  I left no room for them to use their reasoning abilities, their creativity, or their opportunity to maybe learn from failure.  (It would have been uncomfortable and inconvenient for someone to have had to make a cracker run for me had I really forgotten, but I guarantee it would never happen again after that).

How often had I sent the message to my children that I did not trust their judgment?  If this is what they were repeatedly hearing from me, how could I expect them to trust themselves; their own judgment?  What would happen if and when I was not around to correct or worse, "think for them"?  Had I unintentionally discouraged them from being confident, self-accepting and willing to weigh out and try new things?

To some degree I am sure I did, being the inexperienced parent that I was.  But it is never too late to learn and to change ways.  (Do you ever notice how the patterns/behaviors you have with your children often overflow into other relationships as well?)  Everyone can benefit from change, even adults.

Be not dismayed.  This is not to provide guilt (although I can if you really want), it is to hopefully help you realize some changes that can be made sooner rather than later.  I know (after numerous therapy sessions) that that accommodating shopper way back when was truly trying to be helpful (as I hope my children will someday realize too).  And she was in more ways than one.  For that I will always be grateful! 




 

What Are You Going To Be....?

I spoke to my three-year-old granddaughter (who lives a thousand miles away) over the phone.

We were talking about Halloween and she asked me "what I was going to be".

My initial reactionary response that came to mind was, "I'm already a witch!".

I refrained from saying it knowing my harsh, sarcastic humor could be offensive or even confusing to an innocent child.

She said she was going to be a little-big, yellow mermaid and suggested that I be a very big-big mermaid.  (My son explained that the yellow came from her thinking you had to dress as a fruit and she had chosen a lemon.)

I could not bring myself to tell her that I do not really 'do' Halloween.

At least not for myself.  (I do enjoy seeing others' costumes though.)


How could I crush her enthusiasm?
How could I tell her I am a boring grandma when it comes to 'dressing up'?
How could I explain that it takes a certain body and fitting attire to be a mermaid?
That Halloween is a holiday to scare people, but not with my your body?!

I could not tell her.
Because she would not understand.
She would ask, "Why not?"
And somehow all my excuses would sound just like that.
Like EXCUSES.

I am reminded again of the post "When do we lose it?"


What bothers me is not the fact that I really am not comfortable being a part fish/part female, exposed to the elements and society, but that I am closed to the idea of spontaneity, of fun, and of the enthusiasm she has.

The revealing truth is that a fruity, sour, lemon is more my style.
And you know what, I have a feeling that even if I did dress up as some overgrown lemon on steroids that she would still think I was awesome.

It isn't about the costume as much as it is about what I do when life gives me lemons is it?!  

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO BE?

Wow! What Happened Here?!

Or Not!

I am not sure where I have been,

Or why I have not posted.

Maybe it was because I finally decided to wash my dishes,

Or attempt to try on and give away clothes that no longer fit.

(It is a good sign that is is time to let them go if they either get stuck going on or coming off...)

Or maybe I was coupon cutting.

(This has become my renewed passion.)

I am so excited about the great deals I have been finding,

that I am buying things like Huggies Little Movers (with no toddler),

and recordable discs (being the Luddite that I am of course.)

It could also be that I have been working on my presentation for a parenting class.

I am honored that I have been asked, 

yet always sometimes feel inadequate to be "the expert".

Well, I guess I am.

On what not to do as a parent.

It seems that my own family issues surface right about the time of my class presentation.

I worry that I will appear to be 'the hypocrite'.

(So I am considering using the Brady children as my examples.)

But then they didn't grow up so perfect either did they?

My diet has been blown by all the Humble pie I have been eating.

I also think I need to re-read my last post on guilt as that is contributing to my weight too.

I want to stand up in front of those parents and tell them that I made many mistakes as a parent,

but that it has all worked itself out now.

That I no longer have struggles.

That every one of my children are making mature, healthy choices,

and that I didn't contribute to any negative behavior.

I want to say this but I can't.

So I will just have to tell them the truth.

I will just have to admit that I am an imperfect parent
and that I have human children

and that we still have not figured it all out.

That what I do have readily available is my love.

And my desire and determination to keep learning and growing.

The End

If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and less tugging.
~Diane Loomans, from "If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again" 

Gone To Pot

I do not remember the 'pot pamphlet' being part of my "Welcoming  Your New Baby Home" package.

Do you?

You know, the one that says for approximately the next decade you will not be able to privately go to the bathroom?

If so, I missed it.

Who would dream that someone would want to be in that same room with you?
(The Pot?)

Well, apparently not me!

As all of my children have long been past this stage and are now living on their own, this is a far distant memory....

*The, "Mooommm, what are you doooiinngg in there?" question,

*The muffled, "Mrs. Lee is at the door and she has a flat tire and Mr. Lee is out of town and she has to go to the store cuz she has to make more brownies because Sara didn't know they were for the bake sale and she ate them and she wants to know if you can give her a ride.  So can you?!" yelled through the door jamb,


*The "Can you read this to me?" request (while sliding Everybody Poops under the door), 

*The distinct, it's-too-quiet-to-be-good silence (you know the one, the one that means TROUBLE) interruption,

*The, "I have to goooo! Huurrry!" demand.

(It's all coming back to me now.)


My children have no recollection of those days.
(I think it is because they have often traveled to Denial with me so are very familiar there.) (As stowaways- which was my choice, otherwise how could I have gone?)

So you can imagine my surprise when once again my privacy has been invaded.

                                                          BY THIS:
                                                         

                                                                                                           

                

 
                          



                                                        AND THIS:

"How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on."  ~Zall's Second Law

Parenting 101

"Most of us become parents long before we have stopped being children."  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

** PRNTG 101:

18 years credits,

Requires lifetime continuing education.

A grade of Z or better is required for graduation.

This course has prerequisites:

1. Must define sacrifice and humility by example, in daily living.
2. Must be able to clean up snot, throw-up, or poop without barfing.

3. Must be able to turn emotions on and off instantaneously.

4. Must be able to go without a shower for several days and still look as if you have had one.

5. Must be able to make dinner, give spelling words, "watch this trick", stop bickering amongst children-siblings, and remain level-headed and calm all at the same time.

6. Must be able to love unconditionally, even after your heart has been broken.

7. Must be o.k. being accompanied to the bathroom.

8. Must have a "Carol Brady' smile available at any moment.

9. Must be able to function on only three hours of sleep a night.

10. And must be able to experience emotions at a level never experienced before!

If you can do all these things AND with ease, you now qualify to try your heart hand at parenting!

**This course can be fulfilled with a satisfactory score on the AM I STILL SANE? assessment exam. 

"It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge."  ~Phyllis Diller

 

The Tattoo Across My Body

In the movie, Eat, Pray and Love, Elizabeth's friend gives her some advise on whether having a baby is for her or not.

She says:

"Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You really need to be certain it's what you want before you commit."

— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

That could not be more accurate!

With five children, I guess I am just one giant tattoo! 

SERIES - #2 I Didn't Expect: To Have Four Boys and Only One Girl

When my daughter heard what this 'topic' was she announced to other family members that it was mean.  I didn't get it (of course, why would I?)

It seems sort of odd to 'expect' what sex your children will be, but that is how my mind was working.

I have always wanted five children but I never really gave thought to the balance.
I just thought there would be one.
Apparently not much thought...
(How do you balance out five anyway?)

Playing with my Barbies, (yes I had Barbies) I never acted out the role 0f a mother of mostly girls or mostly boys.  Even then I just thought it would be 'even'.  (Although there were not many male dolls available.  I only had one.  It was Ken.  (Sometimes my brothers' G.I. Joe, unbeknownst  to him would be around too.)  Mostly it was Ken.  One Ken to octo-Barbies.  Ken loved it!  It was like Mattel polygamy.) 
(Let's pretend I didn't just plant that idea in your mind.)

My first two babies were boys.
By the time I was pregnant with my third child, I thought it would be a girl.
I mean doesn't that make sense?
Two boys to play with each other.
Perfect!

Now let's mix it up a bit.
Give them a little sister.

But it did not happen that way.

Instead I heard, "It's a boy!"
Of course, I loved this baby boy too and I still do.
But I had not anticipated that it would not be  girl.
Who was tipping the scales here?

It would be another lesson for me.

I resolved then that I would be grateful for whatever gender God chose to send me.
And that I would trust that He knew what He was doing.
Don't get me wrong, I was grateful, I just got worried I would never get to experience a daughter.
(I am embarrassed to admit my shallowness.)
(Maybe my daughter is on to something?)

I had read about a faithful man who was the father of five boys and loved it for all the right reasons.
It changed how I felt.
I accepted the fact that I too might be blessed with five boys.

Near the last few months of my fourth pregnancy , the doctor had some concerns that complications might arise so I had to have several ultrasounds.
I was always asked if I wanted to know what the sex was.
I did not.
I figure if I have to wait nine months anyway, I might as well have a surprise in the end.
Isn't that how it has been for thousands of years?
And no one ever gets a refund anyway if they don't get what they expected.

Besides, my personality is such that I would not only have this child's name pre-picked without seeing them, but I would already have planned what kind of child they were going to be (see 'Preconceived Notion' post) and what extra curricular events they would be involved in, to what their favorite everything was and where they were going to college...before they were even born!

So I waited until the day.
"It's a girl!"
She really was unexpected!

She was a blessed addition to our male family.
It was added spice.
I said, "It is like having salt and pepper now!"
(Are those spices?)
Nooo cooking for you Reyna!

Then not even two years later,
Again I heard, "It's a boy!"
And my last child was absolutely perfect!
I was so happy to have him too!

I had grown enough by then not to think about whether it was a boy or girl.
I was grateful that all my children were born strong and healthy.
No more 'balancing' thoughts.
(Of course ten years had also passed-more mature perspective maybe?)


Then my divorce came.
When that happened, I got amnesia and I forgot about the part up on top here where I said, "[I] trust that He knew what He was doing" ( when he blessed me with mostly boys).
I questioned, mostly to the air so as not to speak disrespectfully, directly to God, "Why did God give me all these boys to raise alone?  I know nothing about boys.  I've had very few men in my life.  How am I supposed to raise boys?"
(It was my 'pity-me' cry.)

But it would not be long before those questions were answered.
Testosterone vs Hormones that's why!!

My sister has three girls very close to my childrens' age and as they matured (if you know what I mean...)
it became evident what a wise and loving and understanding and compassionate God He was.
Thank goodness for off-balance.
Thank goodness that He knew what He was doing!

Disclaimer:Nothing against girls-I happen to be one.
It's just that I was not a very good sharer when it came to who gets to play the monthly, lead role in Mommy Dearest.  Or is it Psycho?
Imagine if I would have had to fight for the part with 4-5 other females?!
Thank goodness those days are past.
(Back to the main focus here.)

I would not want any of my children to be any thing other that exactly what God sent.
Who was that crazy, 'I-want-balance-woman??!'
I know her.
She is OK now.
She has received help.  Thank goodness!

The help came in the form of four boys and one girl!
Therapy by design!
Designed by the Ultimate Creator of all time.

P.S.  I want to add what an absolute blessing it has been for me that God entrusted five of His special spirits to me.

In whatever form.

That I have had the privilege of giving birth to five wonderful, beautiful children.

That I was granted one of the two things I really ever wanted in life; to be a mother.

I know that I make sarcastic comments sometimes and kid around but I would NEVER change that part of my life!

This past summer I had major surgery.  

I had to sign a consent form acknowledging that I would never be able to have children again.

I have had my time to do that and have no desire to do that part of my life again, but somehow just the act of having to conscientiously sign that divine right away made me very sad.

It also brought a tremendous amount of gratitude to God for allowing my body to be healthy and work properly at the time needed so that I could be the means of transporting those precious babies to this Earth!

"I never knew how much love my heart could hold until someone called me "mommy."~Author Unknown

 

Preconceived Notion

"I did my best parenting before I had children."

 
I had this preconceived notion before I had children of what kind of parent I was going to be.
Also of how my children were going to behave.
Of how we as a family were NEVER going to do that-
Whatever that was. 
We were not going to do it!

For example:

I was NEVER going to yell at my children.  Get upset maybe, but NEVER get so upset that I felt a need to yell, let alone actually yell.

My children would NEVER act out in public.
Or any place for that matter.
Because of course all I would have to do would be to tell them once what kind of behavior was expected of them and they would behave that way.
All of the time.

I would NEVER have bratty children.
I would ALWAYS be so proud of their behavior.


And if my children had siblings, they would ALWAYS treat them kindly and with love.
They would ALWAYS protect their sibling and NEVER do anything to hurt them.

If I ever had boys, (so I got four) they would NEVER drive their little cars around someone else's coffee table scratching it up.

They would NEVER break a neighbors window or one of ours while playing baseball with rocks.

They would NEVER think of spraying hairspray (yes I use hairspray-something I would never do) on flies to stop them in flight.
Or put duct tape on their siblings leg to see 'what will happen'.

I would NEVER have children who talk back.
Or EVER showed any form of disrespect (including eye-rolling).
ESPECIALLY my teenagers!


I would ALWAYS be patient.
I would be glad to answer the 'why' questions no matter how many my children would ask.
And I would answer them all.
Patiently of course.
With the correct answers.
And if I did not know the answer, I would look it up and get back to them.
I would NEVER forget to do that.


My children would NEVER have to go to the principals office or get in trouble with the law in any way.
Ever.


They would not be the ones who talk in class or who get their name on the board or who have to stay in from recess (do children even have recess anymore?).

I would be the room parent and love every minute of it hoping to organize more school carnival fundraisers.


My children would ALWAYS go right to bed when asked and NOT get up and ask for a drink or forget to tell me something really important.
And I would NEVER yell at them to get back in bed and make them cry because 'they were just trying to tell me they loved me'.
NEVER!


I would NEVER question why I became a mother.
I would ALWAYS be sure and confident that I was a blessing to them.
And of course I would ALWAYS remember what a blessing they were to me.


I would ALWAYS know why God entrusted me with His child.
Why He believed that of all the homes on Earth that ours was the best place to send this child.

I would NEVER feel inadequate or frustrated or scared.
I would ALWAYS know that I was doing the right thing.

I would NEVER cry because I felt like I was failing as a parent.
Or like I was not cut out for this job.
I would NEVER want to quit or question why I thought this was such a good idea.

And the one thing I know for SURE is that I would NEVER, EVER, EVER stop loving this child!

And that is the ONE thing that I was ABSOLUTELY, one-hundred percent right about!

Even BEFORE I ever really became a parent.

"I am a very patient, loving, understanding and calm mother... until my children get home from school."

"The greatest work you will ever do is within the walls of your own home."~Harold B. Lee

What???

"Laughter is an instant vacation."~Milton Berle

Comments overheard by children


 ~I didn't hear you-my eyes were shut.

                                                                       
~He was speak-less.


~Why can't you breathe out your ears?

(He is holding his breath.)








~1st child:I have air coming out here (pointing to mouth).
2nd child:That's the blow dryer.

~If I close my eyes in the day I'll have nightmares.

~Our President is Rock Obama.

~My Kung Fu teacher is Mr. Girl Power.

~My sister is running away because she doesn't like anyone to chase her.

~PB & J is Spanish for peanut butter and jelly.

"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk

comes out my nose."~Woody Allen

                                                                                         

'Inconvenient Sick'

"The phrase "working mother" is redundant."~Jane Sellman

 'Inconvenient sick' is the only kind of sick that mothers are allowed to get. (And some fathers too)

'I.S.'  is when you are dragging and you do not feel quite up to your normal self.
But you can not stop, be sick or get the rest you need.

You can never get 'REAL SICK'.

Because if you do...

who will pack the lunches,
find the missing shoe,
do your homework,

nurse the baby,

                                   
sign the consent forms,
"make her stop touching me",
change the diapers,
go to work for you,
do the laundry,
be the chaperon,
be the Dr.,
and the nurse,
and the secretary,
and the therapist,
and the lab tech,
and the janitor,
and the pharmacist,
and the x-ray tech,
and the general surgeon,

and the heart specialist,

and the vet,
and the gardener,
and the cook,
and the entertainer,
and the dishwasher,
and the librarian,
and the bather,
and the crowd controller,
and the singer,
and the comedian,

and the audience,                                                                                                    
and the scientist,
and the judge,
and the comforter,
and the encourager,
and the teacher,
and the artist,
and the house keeper,                                                                     
and the musician,
and the cab driver (or maybe limo mini-van driver),


 

and the referee,
and the historian,                                                                    
and the playmate,                                                                                         


and the defense attorney,
and the dentist,
and the nutritionist,

 
Who will sign permission slips,
find his glasses,
give the spelling words,
sew the patch on,
be the helping classroom parent,
bake the brownies,
make the party bags,
cheer their team on,
"make her stop looking at me"

buy the groceries,
design and make the costume,
feed the pets,
wash the uniform,
put gas in the car,
buy the birthday present,
know where the extra poster board is,
know everything,

And who will keep the family going,
and yet help the family stop and get sufficient rest,

keep the family healthy,                                                                   
hope everyone still feels loved at the end of the day,
pray your heart out,
cry yourself to sleep,                                                                

pass out from exhaustion,

And get up and do it again tomorrow?

Do not ever underestimate all that you do!

Add to the list: Make time for yourself!

"Not much emphasis has been placed upon the part that women played in the settlement of the Western Empire.  In this we are but following the general practice of men throughout the ages.  Women bear the burdens of the household, carry most of the responsibility of rearing a family, inspire their husbands and sons to achieve success; and while the latter are being given the applause of public acclaim, the wives and mothers who really merit recognition and commendation remain smilingly content in unheralded achievement."~David O McKay

"A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie."~Tenneva Jordan