What About The Lumpy Dress?

What About The Lumpy Dress?
I have this dress that looks like a very long T-shirt.

Actually I have two of them.

I am not sure where I got them.
But I do know I had them for years without ever wearing them.

I would reveal too many flaws if I dared put one of them on.

So why do I still have them?
Because you do not get rid of things you may someday be able to fit into.

Guess what?
Yep, that's right.
I now wear both of them.
A lot!

Oh, I fit into them alright.
All thirty pounds or more of me that I have gained.
Talk about revealing flaws!
I can be on commercials for Quaker Oatmeal of what lumpy oatmeal looks like (in a dress).

At a time when I could of worn them and probably looked just fine, I self critically refused.
Now when I could be using some advice from What Not To Wear, I wear them anyway.

If I studied the bowlful of lumps in the mirror, that happens to be in the shape of me, it could make me never want to eat a bowl of oatmeal again (or wear those dresses).

But I don't.
Or I try hard not to.

Is that a good thing?
Well, it may not be for my children or neighbors but it works for me.

I am comfortable.
I am o.k. with me.

Do I want a less lumpy physique?
Yes, of course that would be nice.
But I do not want to dislike myself to get it nor do I want to worry about "what others will think".

This lumpy dress thing has been good therapy for me.

I don't want to get so comfortable that I quit worrying about my weight altogether,
but I do want to be so comfortable that I lose weight because it's a healthy thing, not a critical motivation.

Anyone for an oatmeal cookie?

The Weight Is On

Just to clarify things, I am not proud of this.

Weight.

Back when I first posted about my shocking weight revelation I thought the scale was unbalanced.

But it has gotten worse.

You know how the needle on a broken scale goes around and around?
Well, there you have it!

How can that be?!
(Let me count the ways.)

I have vowed to do something about it because I have now moved my,
"I will never get to that weight" limit  several times!
In the bigger size direction!

I am trying to be realistic here.
So for starters I want to be honest about the facts.

#1  I cannot be sure that even if I make adjustments I will change the numbers on the scale.

#2  I can however control certain factors.


#3  I will eat a smaller portion of the serving I would regularly have.

#4  I will walk at least five days a week.


#5  I will drink water before I eat.


#6  I will only eat when I am hungry, not 'just because'.


#7  I will stop eating as soon as I feel full.  I will not stuff myself.

#8  I will find other ways to feed my emotional stress ors (stress ors are little whiny, needy people who beg to be fed sugary, fatty food, promising relief from life when a Denial trip is not an option.)


#9  I will only eat one big treat a day.


#10  I will look myself in the eye and remind myself that I am loveable and loved.


Doing these things will not guarantee weight loss results,
but they are things I can be proactive about.

I have been acting like the victim within my body, 
yet I am the one feeding her. 


I am now ready to take accountability and to face that fact.

P.S.  I just noticed that it was exactly a year ago this same month that my pounds were brought to my attention and started to weigh heavy on me.

Today Therapy Kicked My Butt

My therapist refused to see me as long as I was still on vacation ( in Denial.)


So I had to come home.

(Don't ever believe what they say about vacations being rejuvenating.)

So now I am back in my life and I went to therapy.
I guess you could say it is physical therapy.


I am worn out!

I feel like I just ran five miles.


Well, actually that is not true.


I have never run five miles in my life, so I don't really know what that even feels like.
But if I did ever run five miles, I am sure this is what it would feel like!


I am going to request that a scale be placed outside the office.
I have had to have lost weight.
Water weighs something right?
How can you cry so much that you use up the whole box of Puffs (appropriate name for my eyes and nose) and not lose weight?
A gallon is what?... 33 pounds?


I came home and laid vertically on my bed until I passed out. (Who needs alcohol?)
(Well it was more in the shape of a question mark.)
Then I ate the whole box of theater size Junior Mints.

Sometimes there are rewards for purging.

"Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart don't know how to laugh either."  ~Golda Meir

Pounds to Dollars - EXERCISE / WEIGHT UPDATE

I just wrote that to get your attention.
The part about $$$$.

I will not get money for losing weight.
That is unless I am Jared from Subway or Marie Osmond on Nutrisystem.
Or I might..., if I invent some new diet that works while I am brushing my dog!

My starting weight is 3,487 lbs.
My Goal: To lose between twenty and thirty pounds.

I do not usually worry about the numbers (I know that is not what I said about the doctor's scale...) as much as I worry about how I feel and look.
That way I am not obsessing over eating one Wheat Thin (who can do that?) (or pita chip for all you Trader Joe fans)  or worry about drinking water because it might look like I gained a pound when I step on the scale.
(Imagine what I'd weigh after therapy!  See April 9 post.)

Right now I do not like how I feel.

I do not like huffing and puffing after walking up the stairs to my house.
There are two of them.

Or needing a nap after flossing my teeth.

Or not being able to talk more than one and a half minutes on the cell phone because my arm is too weak to hold it up to my ear any longer.  (NO, I do not have a 'tooth' that goes into my ear!)

I also want to play 'Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes' without using a pointer.

This week I am starting my third week of exercising.


I am still getting sore in new places.


The other night when I was taking off my necklace, my arm pit hair hurt.
So I shaved them.  
That hurt even worse!
It was the stretching it took to get to those hard to reach places that was painful.

If you are a male and don't get it, try it.
Shave your arm pits.
Your hair will be back in 24 hours or so and you will be better able to relate to women.
(I am not sure what good that will do for you, just added it.)

I will keep you posted on my weight loss and my exercising and my pain acquisition.


"The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends."~ Author Unknown