The S.A.M. Story XIII

PART XIII

Opening her eyes, it took her a minute to remember where she was, orienting herself.  Morning had arrived but it was difficult not to fall back asleep as she had only slept a few hours, having sat on the couch thinking about him after leaving his room.  She had stayed there until the dawn had slowly come in, finally making her way to bed.  

Cognitively knowing it wouldn't change things didn't stop her from emotionally hoping she could alter time, and the results of the incoming day.  But the new day had arrived delivering like a newspaper, reality on its doorstep.

Lying there mulling over her need for assurance and commitment, she wanted to be someone else with less expectations; at least just this one time. Wanting to undo the night and have a chance at a "redo" like children often play.  Wanting to go back to sleep and wake up to a different life; one that someone else had planned out.  One, more like the fairy tales that give little and big girls that false sense and promise of happily-ever-after.  One that can be fixed with just a kiss.  But it was not to be, as it was her, in her life, not someone else causing the sadness to encompass her; causing her to feel alone.

He had woken up and started breakfast.  He wanted to make sure the fraction of time left together was a memorable departing affair.  The house smelled like fresh coffee.......and bacon.  The duct tape for food.  If only bacon could work to mend broken hearts too.  Music was once again his companion which he so needed right then, to soothe his ambiguity and disappointment, examining himself.

She showered and skillfully applied her make-up to cover her sleep deprived and saddened eyes.  Slipping on her blue cotton/spandex sundress she looked back behind her in the mirror pulling her hair to one side, to do the 'final check' (because that is what women do) and she saw the wings. She had forgotten about them and she faintly smiled as she remembered the day and the night before with conflicting feelings.  Both joyous and somber.  

The wings reminded her of angels in her shortened slumber- not knowing if they had actually come to her in her deep sleep or if it was only a played out thought she invented out of need.  Neither really mattered at this point, as she stepped into the kitchen, knowing their physical time together would soon be coming to a close.

In his serene way, his eyes warmly welcomed her.  He added 'beautiful' to everything but it was so different hearing it come from his lips and seeing it on his facial expression. "Good Morning Beautiful!".   "Nice tattoo!" he said with a wink and that infectious smile.  Receiving the greeting  in person- that she had heard solely via technological separation- now with a face, and a body, and a personal hug was the best greeting she had had in what seemed like forever!  He gently embraced her with a kiss, then took her hand in his and with his other one on her lower back started moving her rhythmically to the love song playing in the back ground.  Never again would a text be able to compare!

Her gloom was replaced with consoling peace; something he was gifted in offering. Something her memory recalled at their first convergence.  He had a way of healing a heart and could have been the awarded recipient and owner of real wings as he was an angel to her.  In the sense of fixing things, making them better, he was a mechanic, compassionately and painstakingly repairing and restoring the brokenness of a heart back to its functioning form.

It had been years since she had woken up to someone--someone happy to see her, someone with a sweet greeting, someone who thought she was beautiful.  Someone who saw her for all that she was.  

She had once heard someone with a handicap say that they wanted more than anything for others to see past their outer appearance and love them for what was inside.  Although unlike this person, that, not being her personal trial, she unexplainablely felt the same way about herself.  But he had told her early on that one of the most attractive things about her was her naive innocence and her humor, and her genuine caring, loving heart. 

It caused her to feel as if what he saw and loved on the inside had seeped through her skin transferring the beauty with it to the outside; so strongly that there was no way for her to conceal it.  That this was the beauty he saw in her and spoke of.  That this was the beauty that others saw radiating from her.  

Earnestly she asked herself,"What are you doing?!"   Trying to intensely recall, why she had been so adamant about the expectation of commitment.

The Heart Ride Home

Even trips to Disneyland eventually have to end.

The park closes.
The lights go dim, the noise subsides and the rides stop.
The fun, the adventure, the escape from reality comes to a close and the people are left to go back to their lives-outside of fantasy land.

Remember my Heart Ride?
Well, white horses don't always take us where we want to go.
Wise, experienced, mature ones, take us where we need to go.
Where we really belong.

The unsuspecting invite that had swooped me out of my routine, into another realm, and onto an unexpected white horse had changed my life.

Although it was as limited as a short "vacation" it had done what vacations are meant to do.
It had given me exposure to new experiences and rejuvenated my passion for daily life again.
And as with good vacations, it was cut way too short.
It also brought a familiar comfort from being in a place and with people who were part of my life, even though many years before.

You know, how sometimes you just yearn for an environment that you are well acquainted with where there is no need to be anyone else except who you you really are?
Well, that had happened for me.
It was a fun, wonderful place to be if only for a bit.

The "ride" exposed the rider and ridee to each other in ways that equaled those "back in time" romantic movies.
Feelings that had been dormant for years and had never totally disappeared, emerged from hibernation.
And yet like I had said, so had the changes we had each made as adults.

Those changes were clear reminders that yes, castles and occupants do indeed look different at mid-life than they did at eighteen and that expectations and dreams for those occupants change too.

It ended up not being a permanent place of residence for us.
But in the end, I believe, that good ol' Walt was onto something after all when he envisioned a place to imagine & experience dreams coming true if only for a short horse ride.  Because through all this I learned that sometimes a happily-ever-after ending, is only the beginning. 

Let's Go For A Heart Ride

I was reluctant to just jump on the white horse with him at the invite and ride away although I knew him well.  It's just that it had been over thirty years since I had last rode with him.  The seventeen year old said, 'just go', the older version said, 'hang on a minute'.

Questions internally arose from me such as, 'Once you're a knight are you always a knight or have you become a distinguished King?'  And conscientious concerns like,' Does he realize too that princesses age and mature into (maybe not so stately) Queens?'

Things had changed.  He now owned a horse named Harley who sported leather and I had retired not only the Daisy Duke wardrobe I'd borrowed but what had fit into it.  Carefree youthfulness was taken away by maturity in the form of children, jobs, ex's, bills and other responsibilities.  Things that we before never knew existed in our youth (or at least couldn't care less about) had now become our common daily concerns.

But no matter how many years had passed I still had not become so mature that I had outgrown the belief in fantasy.  I was just more cautious, slower to be swooped away- trying not to jump on just any inviting horse ride.  I had had my share of long, lonely treks back from deserted castles and wasn't looking to travel that route again anytime soon.

However, age doesn't erase dreams, at least not completely.  The-little-girl-turned-woman who believes in fairy-tales still yearns for a happily-ever-after ending, even when experience has taught that it is a lot harder to come by than good ol' Walt portrayed.  And I had had my share of tin-foiled knights to prove that.

Still he came.  Inviting.  Fun and adventure didn't await 'down the road' it was right away.  Right now.   Boy, when you become conscious and appreciative of life's time-line itself, 'right now' is more than just alluring, it's practical and even more appealing.

Not having to do initial introductions and take time to build impressive facades saved us a lot of time.  Quality time.  Because we had already been there.  Plus it was extremely relaxing and comfortable just 'being'.

Passing years had been good to us as we had done much of our "growing" away from each other and now came open handed to share the 'fruits-of-our-labors' - the product of our efforts.  There is something uncharacteristically romantic about the transformation of a reformed, flimsy, tin-foil boy into a shiny knight without actually watching the process, but reaping the rewards.

 Maybe in some ways the years had helped us learn not to 'sweat the small stuff ' and at the same time it magnified them.  Experience just helps you to categorize better, straining out the small things that are trivial and unimportant in the big scheme of things, and appreciating the things that used to seem so 'small'.  

Castles look different at mid-life than they did at eighteen.  So do the occupants.  And the expectations of those occupants.  I don't know if it's a place of permanent residence, but it is nice to visit and have a "Disney-call" as one should never be too old to dream and to take, if nothing else, just one more ride down that road on that horse.