The S.A.M. Story Part XX

 PART XX

He wanted his pre-proposal to "bait" her, as was their unofficial but usual way of "playing"-an enchanted 'high' of sorts for them.  It was all part of what had made their relationship so addictive.  Like an enslaving, habit-forming drug, it always left them wanting and needing more, making "space" so hard to accept, and deal with.  Never quite being enough, yet momentarily exhilarating, thus heightening the dependency and the ecstatic joy.  It was the "fun" they so loved about their relationship and each other.

His plan was to propose, by serenading her, only this time it would be with HIS words in his song, expressing all the feelings he had kept hidden; safe from exposure, rejection, and pain.  From her.  It was his most revealing and vulnerable, sheltered S.A.M. yet....awaiting disclosure.  One that would leave him hoping for approval, and acceptance.

He set the plan in motion.  Knowing she would be astonished and bewildered not expecting it, he elatedly typed in 'And they lived Happily-Ever-After', pushing SEND to her at the same time she, crossing cyber paths, typed in, 'And they lived Happily-Ever-After' and SEND......

Only his was going to her, while hers were the closing words of her manuscript she had been working on for close to a year, sent to her publisher (wanting to get it to him before her hospital stay).  She not knowing he was drawing closer to her, him, not knowing she was done.

Tomorrow will be the epilogue and final entry.

The S.A.M. Story Part XIX

PART XIX

As the relationship had been full of unexpected fun and surprises he wanted his proposal to be nothing less than unique and exceptional and something she didn't see coming. He wanted to keep it edgy and lively. Something beyond belief, that would shock her and that she would never forget.  So he asked his best friend who was a musician to compose music for "her song".  He then enthusiastically detailed a plan of how he would 'present' it to her.

The day was approaching; a deadline of sorts for her.  So much was going on inside as she felt apprehensive, anxious, scared and a deep sadness knowing that there would be a loss of varying degrees to be grieved.  She decided because of unforeseen possibilities she would contact and inform him before her surgery about her medical condition.  Just in case. 

She knew and accepted, that after she "sent" this last text, that her life was about to change in many ways.  Her priorities, her outlook, her routine, her future.  Although she knew that much, she had no idea what those words would actually “look” like.  What they would play out in day-to-day living.  What her prospective life would be.  Who she would be tomorrow.  Or even just a few hours later.  But she was ready.  Well, as ready as you can be for something that had no guarantee. 

Not knowing what her post surgery prognosis would be was one thing, but letting him go, losing him, was going to be the hardest.  Because she did not know what his response would be and how she would be affected by it.  She did not know if she would ever see him again, because it would be up to him, whether he would ever want to see her again.  
 

Over time, he had become part of her daily life.  What she woke up to, thought about continually, and formulated her life around.  He had become a part of her.  Something she could no longer deny nor erase even if she wanted to, as he had become engraved on her heart.  She was forever changed by admitting him into her life and would never be able to alter that, even if desired.  His absence would leave an undeniable void.  (What she didn't know was that he, her cyber-heart mate, had already made his decision). 

She felt most comfortable texting her final words as technology had always been their primary way of communicating.  So she typed out a short letter: 'Hey u.....a new S.A.M....I have to have surgery very soon.....I will talk to u as soon as it's over.....I am sending u my "love story" so u know where my heart and time has been spent for most of the year......please read, knowing how "real" it is for me and how my life will forever be changed because of it.  And always remember the words 'she' longed to hear in the ending of her story were: "I now pronounce you man and wife".  

For although her fairy tale story had started modern, she still wanted it to end classic.

S.A.M. Update

ATTENTION: To all you S.A.M.readers,
(here's the link for you newcomers)
http://theunexpectedlife2010.blogspot.com/2014/04/the-sam-story-part-i.html
I did not just end the" story" with "THE SONG"
http://theunexpectedlife2010.blogspot.com/2014/05/the-samstory-part-xviii.html

although, I did disappear for almost a week with no notice. Sorry, I can be
unconventional and even flaky like that sometimes :-0 Tomorrow (Tuesday) there
will be one of the closing, last PARTS to the story so make sure to check for the
updated link! And Wednesday it will end so keep posted
Thanks for being such Loyal fans!!

The S.A.M.Story Part XVIII

PART XVIII

He resolved to hold on to her.  To provide her with what she needed from him, knowing that by altering the course of his thinking, his future was about to drastically change.  And although marriage was more of a commitment than he had prepared for so early on in their relationship, he could no longer envision life without her.  It therefore became something he desired.  Because it included her.  And he wanted her like crazy!  Once again, he decided to let love in.  

His educational degree made it a natural place to turn for expression, in the form of words.  Inspired, he went into his house and found a pen and paper translating the words that were 'coded' into his heart and out onto paper.  As music had been such an influential part of their bonding, he penned these words in the form of a song for her:  

I Will Stay No Matter What.....

We came from two different worlds, miles apart,
But we came to be one in each others heart.

I never knew beautiful would feel like this,                                 
Until you melted my heart with your passionate kiss.

Your body, your smile, your affectionate heart,
Your loving ways are a piece of art.

I will stay no matter what, always by your side,
As we will now become groom and bride.
I will stay no matter what, baby will you stay with me
Not just for today but for eternity?

You look in my eyes and it makes me melt,
You bring out emotions I have never felt.

Priceless and beautiful beyond compare,
With the rest of my life I want you to share.

I will stay no matter what, always by your side,
As we will now become groom and bride.
I will stay no matter what, baby will you stay with me
Not just for today but for eternity?

I would never dream, of walking out on you,
I love you so much, its the last thing I would do.

I give to you my greatest love shown,
Promising not to ever leave you alone.

There is nothing you can do to make me go,
What will it take for you to know?


That I will stay no matter what, always by your side,
As we will now become groom and bride.
I will stay no matter what, baby will you stay with me
Not just for today but for eternity?

'Cuz baby there's no way to live without you
Tell me what it is that I need to do.

To make you stay right by my side,                         
For forever and eternity as my bride.
 
I met you by chance yet you changed my life
You went from a stranger to being my wife.

Because I am staying no matter what, always by your side,
As we have now become groom and bride.
I am staying no matter what, baby will you stay with me
Not just for today but for eternity?

If I stay no matter what....................will you stay with me?   

The S.A.M. Story Part XVII

PART XVII

She tried to push her numerous thoughts out with the music as she drove home, but they kept coming.  Trying to tuck them away was about as effective as trying to tuck four small fidgeting children into the same bed at the same time.  Once one thought was settled another would roll over disrupting the others, so she finally just let them get up and come out, as there was not going to be any silence or break from them until she did.  

Driving was usually a cathartic practice for her, so she decided to go with it, giving her time to contemplate and sort out in the past 24 hours, what had been the life-shifting route she was now headed on.  

If it was possible, he had revealed not only more of himself to her while she was there, but more of herself to her....own self.  Doing what he somehow was magically able to do.  Maybe in his 'toolbox' he surreptitiously possessed "the magic wand".

From early on one of her S.A.M.'s had revealed to him that her heart and wings had been injured to the point of reluctant hesitation, not allowing her heart to get too close to anyone, to be vulnerable again. It was beyond his comprehension how someone could do this to her.  He never knew the details.  Just that he needed to be gentle.  And he was. 

Their situation had been perfect for her as the "space" between them had kept her sheltered in a sense, although through the lines of communication; feelings and emotions had gradually seeped in.  Each day he patiently waited for her, always encouraging her to believe in what he saw in her.  Each day, she was slowly starting to believe and accept.  Her.

Her last thought to put to 'rest' was the undisclosed S.A.M. regarding her health.  She didn't know how she would be able to get through each day without him in her life any longer, so she made the decision to tell him as soon as her surgery was over, and 'let him decide'.  A phrase he would often say to her when she thought she was "protecting" him by withholding information and knowledge.  A phrase that would test her faith in him, affirming if what he had been expressing with his words for the duration of their cyber-ship, would be true to his actions and life.  And to her.  

If paths really do cross for a reason, then perhaps part of his purpose was to teach her that she could have, and be fun again, something they had been able to do together, enlivening so many of her days.  She knew that people are often attracted to a quality in which they are deficient and long ago when life had marched in the Take-Fun-Out-of Life soldiers, she had lost what used to be a big part of who she was.  Her mechanic/soldier/hero had come in (again "fixing" it) and overtaken the adversary with The Funtastics army.  The victory had renewed her laughter and brought joy back into her life.  Something that by not having, had changed her and that she had considerably missed as a positive in her life.  Something he knew she needed back.

And on a more sober level he taught her that she should expect a man to lovingly respect her and not settle for less.  That she deserved that and so much more.  That beauty has many, many definitions not confined to temporal or worldly things.  That she should never have to give the "sales pitch" trying to convince someone why she was worth 'keeping'.  Because to him, she was priceless and irreplaceable!  And most importantly, he had tried to model for her through his actions, that love and commitment meant staying, "in sickness and in health".  It meant staying through it all.

The S.A.M. Story Part XVI

PART XVI 

As he sat there on his porch he already knew what his decision for the future was going to be.  What it had to be.  Although the music was so loud it could vibrate things off his living room shelf, it wasn't loud enough to drown out his soul.  The "words" spoken there, inside, were sent 'Morse code', causing his heart to pulsate, doing 'dots and dashes' to every beat for her, transmitting a message that even a novice could accurately interpret.

He thought about some of the "talks" they had had and how she had told him that she believed there were no 'chance' meetings.  She believed that God crossed peoples paths because they each had a lesson to learn from the others presence.  And although not everyone chose to learn the lessons presented, the opportunity was always there.  

She believed that although he was handsome, charismatic and charming, he was so much more.  She saw through to his heart, his sweet spirit, his intelligence, and his sensitivity.  She saw who he was born to be.  She saw through to him.  The gift that he was.  Something that had gone unnoticed with many of the women in his life.  A mistake that made her sad, as his heart had gotten hurt because of it, leaving him too with a broken wing, skeptical and reserved, closing off part of himself to letting love in.  

But over time and through "space" he like her, had started to believe that he was "Perfect and Gorgeous" just as he was.  That he didn't need to impress her as she loved the parts that others had missed.  That beyond the physical image of " societal manhood", that he had worked so hard to establish and keep, she found the greatest man in his ability to be vulnerable and real.  That discovery is what had lured her to hunger and thirst for him in a way that was rooted in the recesses of attraction, passion and desire, wanting to share and spend her whole life with him.  That discovery is what made him know he couldn't let her go.

The S.A.M.Story Part XV

PART XV

The music automatically started playing as she drove away.  This time the familiar tunes would do the reverse, as she yearned to be there, with him, and unlike her original journey it would lengthen her drive back to her home knowing each mile was taking her away from him, doubling the distance.  The same songs that had made her excitingly anticipatory now made her nostalgic, weighing heavy on her heart; making more want for the love sung about in the melodic words.  

Leaving the country road and approaching the highway her phone beeped notifying of a message.  She laughed through her tear filled eyes and couldn't wait to see what he already had to say as she had barely left!  It was SO like him to know just the perfect thing she needed!  Pulling over she scrolled down.  She was surprised to see several messages but not from him as she had thought.  Not realizing the poor service at his house, incoming calls and messages that had been delayed and intercepted had just then started coming through.  Most of them were from friends and family but there was a number she didn't recognize.  It was from her doctor.

To listen to the message she pressed one, but being more focused on the timing, as she asked herself, "What doctor calls on a Saturday?", she missed some of the words being spoken and had to replay it.  All she clearly heard was MRI and tumor.  She shouldn't have been surprised as all the prior symptoms had made it more likely than not.  But she was.  Maybe because she had tried to change the outcome by remaining positive and hopeful.  In some ways she had used this trip to "Denial" as a place of escape-to forget; if only for 24 hrs.  It had served its purpose!

She was now angry because the world, the life she had waited for, had just changed course. The puzzle pieces she had been collecting most of her life had almost been enough to accomplish her "dream"-having just gathered some of the most important remaining pieces from him.  The doctor's discouraging words were as if someone had just pushed her almost-completed-1000-piece-puzzle off the table and onto the floor.  

All the emotions that had been stored inside her heart came pouring out her chest in the way of sobs.  She was crying, not only for the current words she had just heard, but for the unspoken ones she had kept inside and never shared, and for the imagined and desired ones of comfort, not yet uttered.  She was crying because she felt so alone.
  
There had never been much dialogue around the topic of physical well being between them so they had implicitly chose not to open up that subject.  Some things remained classified even defying S.A.M.s .  Their health was something they had not actually "discussed", yet was honored between them as an almost sacred subject, kept in their personal vaults.  Medical needs had only been brought up regarding their aging parents' health problems back when they first "met"-bonding them in an understanding way that only comes from empathetic sharing.  

As close as she felt to him and as hopeful as she had "dreamed" of being with him, her doctor visits were a S.A.M. she had chosen at the time not to share.  She like him, "pretended" that if you don't acknowledge something, then maybe it doesn't exist.  But she knew, and it had affected her expectations.  Answering her own, "What are you doing?!" question she knew she had been adamant about requiring commitment because she needed someone who was willing to 'stand the test of time' as they say.  She knew what he didn't.

She had never wanted him to feel as if he "had" to stay with her and eventually marry her because she was ill, as he was so caring.  From the beginning he had a compassionate heart and she wanted to make sure he was in this because he was committed to her, through love, and not staying only because he wouldn't desert her; out of sympathy.  

It was one of the reasons why she had chosen to stay intimately, carnally detached- as she would otherwise evolve into an emotionally distorted woman; becoming clouded in appetite, prematurely advancing the relationship and forgoing the clarity needed for such a crucial decision.

It was also why falling for her "beauty" had to be much deeper than only outside appearance.  Subconsciously her doctor appointments had solidified her need for commitment-for a ring- wanting someone  'in sickness and in health' and for eternity; as "till death do you part" had then become such a conceivable possibility.  Only she had not wanted nor expected it to come like this.  And not now.  Would he understand now why what she 'wasn't wearing' mattered so much to her?


Already pining for him and feeling all alone she drove the lonely road, not knowing he was  feeling it too.  He had watched her drive away, and still sitting on his porch almost an hour later, he was reflecting on the most outstanding 24 hrs he had ever had, subsequently missing her immensely.  

He, like her, wanted to physically escape the distressing moment they were emotionally experiencing , although it wasn't able to happen.  Wanting to drown out the tough parts of life and the echoing words disclosing unwanted truths, they each turned up the music volume to unhealthy-to-eardrum decibels as their only other option.  He on his porch and she in her car, separate yet together, simultaneously chose music as their anesthetic.